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Today, I flew from New York to San Fransisco with my wife. We were seated apart and were texting each other about our seatmates in Spanish. I told her the ass of the woman next to me was oozing under the armrest and making my leg sweat. The oozer told me that lots of fat asses can read Spanish. 6 hours to SF. FML
I agree, your life sucks (9172) - you totally deserved it (46071)
On 05/22/2009 at 11:17am - misc - by mecago (man) - United States (California)
Today, I got a call saying that my son was chasing all the girls in the class with his "Sword of Death" (my dildo). FML
I agree, your life sucks (53215) - you totally deserved it (24644)
On 05/21/2009 at 3:18pm - kids - by a (woman) - United Kingdom (Hertford)
I agree, your life sucks (44461) - you totally deserved it (1789)
On 05/20/2009 at 4:49pm - misc - by lm (man) - Ireland (Dublin)
Today, I had a very intense sexual dream that made me come and left me panting when I woke up. It was the best orgasm I'd ever had. The trouble was, it wasn't about a hot girl, or anything sexy. It was about bacon. FML
I agree, your life sucks (88735) - you totally deserved it (19200)
On 05/17/2009 at 8:33am - intimacy - by wtfdreams (man) - United States (California)
Today, I woke up to a hand rubbing my very erect penis, and a woman's peppermint breath in my ear. "Mom?" I called out instinctively, recalling how she always smells like peppermint. The hand stopped rubbing, and I turned to face my very disgusted looking girlfriend of three years. FML
I agree, your life sucks (19502) - you totally deserved it (57687)
On 05/17/2009 at 2:42am - intimacy - by Ohshit (man) - United States (Texas)
Today, my football club gave us all jerseys with our last names on them. My last name is 'Flicker'. The letters are all in uppercase. And the 'L' and the 'I' are joined together at the bottom. My jersey reads 'FUCKER'. FML
I agree, your life sucks (51759) - you totally deserved it (3355)
On 05/14/2009 at 3:23am - misc - by Flicker (man) - Australia (New South Wales)
Today, I took a call. Wrong number. A few seconds later, they called back and I told her that she had the wrong number. She said she just hit redial and didn't understand how she got me again. I tried to explain how redial works. She called me a moron and hung up. Then my phone rang again. FML
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On 05/12/2009 at 1:39pm - work - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Minnesota)
Today, my friend had to take my cat who has a tumor to be put down when I wasn't home since I couldn't bare to take him myself. I have two cats. He took the wrong one. FML
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On 05/10/2009 at 3:01pm - misc - by catlady (woman) - United States (Washington)
Today, I was serving a family at the restaurant where I work. When I went to ask the little girl what she wanted, I was tongue-tied and got "cutie" and "hun" mixed up and ended up asking: "What can I get for you cuntie?" FML
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On 05/08/2009 at 4:53pm - work - by keeks_25 (woman) - Canada (Ontario)
Today, I was walking on the track when this really cute guy shows up. I was hot and sweaty, and wanted to impress him by pouring water on myself. Instead of being turned on, all he saw was me wiping my face on my shirt screaming. It wasn't water, I forgot I had brought Sprite. FML
I agree, your life sucks (5631) - you totally deserved it (60588)
On 05/06/2009 at 7:36am - love - by gymbob (woman) - United States (Indiana)
Today, was my first meeting with business partners as I am new to the team. Instead of saying that I was looking forward to "stretching my legs" or "spreading my wings", I told them I was anxious to start "spreading my legs". FML
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On 05/06/2009 at 2:04am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Minnesota)
Today, I was about to lose my virginity with my girlfriend of 2 years, when I got an urgent phone call from my 9-year-old sister, telling me I had to come home immediately. My grandma fell off the toilet and got stuck between the bowl and the wall. I'm not making this up. FML
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On 05/03/2009 at 7:22pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States
Today, my mother sent a letter to my best friend trying to comfort her over the death of her mother. She signed the letter "LOL, Jen" thinking LOL stood for "lots of love." FML
I agree, your life sucks (45936) - you totally deserved it (3030)
On 04/28/2009 at 5:51pm - misc - by unlolable4321 (woman) - United States (New York)
Today, I texted the hottest girl in the school saying, "I really like you, we should date". She responded with a text saying, "Sorry, I'm not into you." I then got a text saying, "Sorry, my brother stole my phone, and answered, but still it's no". I got rejected twice. Once by a man. FML
I agree, your life sucks (43957) - you totally deserved it (6661)
On 04/22/2009 at 12:09am - love - by misterhippo (man) - United States (California)
Today, I told my morbidly obese teacher that he had mustard on his chin. He tried to wipe it off and I said without thinking "No, your other chin." FML
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On 04/21/2009 at 1:42am - misc - by anonymous (man) - United States (California)
