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N1GHTS's favorite FMLs
Today, I was babysitting a new child. I guess she heard me tell her parents about my severe peanut allergy because she got a jar out of the pantry, spread it all over the stairs leading to where her fort was, and walked around with a baseball bat covered in it so I couldn't come near her. FML
by PeanutlyDisabled / 01/08/2010 at 2:23am / France / Kids
by Anonymous / 01/06/2010 at 10:17pm / United States (Ohio) / Love
Today, my best friend was texting me about her sick dog. She wrote "Do you think she will get better?", so I wrote "I hope she does". It wasn't until later that I realized I accidentally wrote "I hope she dies" instead. FML
by poordog / 01/04/2010 at 10:32pm / United States (Virginia) / Animals
Today, I was in line at the grocery store with my 3-year-old son. He was holding a tub of yogurt that had on it a cow wearing sunglasses. He shouted, "Mommy, look at the fat cow with the sunglasses on!" To my horror, the obese woman in front of us turned around. She was wearing sunglasses. FML
by annonymous / 11/30/2009 at 1:59pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, my ex said "I love you!" for the first time at a party in front of my boyfriend. Smugly satisfied, I said "Well, you're too late for that." My ex looked at me with irritation and said "I'm talking to him!" and gestured to my boyfriend. They'd been "best friends" since middle school. FML
by Anonymous / 10/10/2009 at 12:25am / United States (Alabama) / Love
Today, I pulled someone over for speeding. He was only 10 over the speed limit so I gave him an $84 fine. It turns out he is a workplace Occupational Health and Safety officer and because I wasn't wearing my high visibilty vest while standing on the side of the road he gave me a $250 fine. FML
by auscop / 09/17/2009 at 6:57am / Australia (Western Australia) / Transportation
by Confused / 09/15/2009 at 5:58am / United States (Hawaii) / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 09/14/2009 at 5:41am / South Africa (Gauteng) / Miscellaneous
Today, I went out with my family and boyfriend for dinner. We were all having a good time, and suddenly at the end of dinner he decides to kneel down on one knee, take out an engagement ring, and say "I choose you, Pikachu," with a straight face. He was serious. FML
by mandy / 09/04/2009 at 10:19pm / United States (California) / Love
Today, I was at the mall in a store looking at movie posters. I turned around and suddenly saw a creepy guy smiling at me, holding his arms out wide. I screamed "holy shit!" really loudly, causing everyone to stop and stare at me funny. Then I realized the creepy man was a cardboard cutout. FML
by becca1417 / 09/01/2009 at 6:21pm / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous
by shaggy / 08/30/2009 at 5:26pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love
by irony / 08/16/2009 at 3:05am / United States (California) / Health
by JPF / 08/12/2009 at 11:13pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Intimacy
Today, I was picking my daughter up at day care. She was outside playing kick ball. A red ball rolls over to me, and trying to impress the kids, I kicked it over the slide. I turn around to see three crying six year olds. It was their hamster ball. FML
by Anonymous / 08/05/2009 at 1:10pm / United States (New York) / Kids
by Toaster / 07/30/2009 at 11:11am / United States (Virginia) / Kids
- Today, while getting it on with my wife, I started to talk dirty to her. She started laughing. When… Today, waking up I noticed that my female boss had texted me during the night, telling me she wants… Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I was apparently really loud, because when we finished I…