Ask me no questions and I shall tell you no lies.
Today, I received the box my parents sent me for my birthday. Contents were a travel first-aid kit, and a remote control robot toy, with an age recommendation on the box of 8. I'm 29. They thought that since I'm an engineer I would like the toy. They also think I'll hurt myself with it. FML
I agree, your life sucks (26814) - you totally deserved it (1763)
On 06/16/2009 at 12:39am - misc - by JustAGiftCardPlease (man) - United States (Massachusetts)
Today, my girlfriend of 2 years and I decided to have sex for the first time. When we were in the room, finally ready to start, she confessed that she had never seen a penis before. To make her more comfortable, I showed her mine. At the sight of it, well, she actually fainted. FML
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On 05/22/2009 at 3:50pm - intimacy - by herve (man) - Lebanon (Beyrouth)
Today, my 6 year old daughter walked in on my husband and I getting it on. Now she won't stop 'pretending to be daddy' against items of furniture. We have guests coming round in three hours. FML
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On 05/14/2009 at 8:03pm - kids - by Jessica (woman) - United States (Michigan)
Today, it's my birthday. I have gotten three calls all day. The first one was my fiancee, saying he wanted his ring back. The second one was my best friend, confessing to me that she had been sleeping with my fiancee for the past three months. The third was the dentist's office singing me a happy birthday. FML
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On 05/14/2009 at 1:43pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Georgia)
Today, I went to the gym for the first time in a while and realized that I can lift WAY more with my left hand than with my right even though I am right handed. I also realized that I jack off with my left hand.FML
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On 05/12/2009 at 7:08pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Massachusetts)
Today, I lost track of time while rocking out, butt-naked, to Kelly Clarkson and Michelle Branch after taking a shower. Three of my metalhead friends had let themselves in my house and were on the lower level laughing their butts off at me for 30 minutes before telling me. I'm a 23 year old guy. FML
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On 05/05/2009 at 2:26am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Connecticut)
Today, I paid for $60 haircut from a professional stylist. I look like Spock from Star Trek. The worst part was that during the stylist asked me, "Hey, are you going to go see that new Star Trek movie?" Now wherever I go people are giving me the 'live long in prosper' sign. FML
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On 05/05/2009 at 2:21am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)
Today, 5 hours into my shift in a cafe I realized there were two stickers on my back that read: "Don't touch my no-no square" and "I wear diapers." I make food with my back to customers all day and I walk through the seating area delivering food. No one said anything. FML
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On 05/05/2009 at 2:11am - work - by kekumbas (man) - United States (Illinois)
Today, I thought it would be a good idea to superglue a couple quarters to the sidewalk downtown and watch people try to pick them up. Unfortunately, street patrol was watching me glue everything the whole time. I was fined with public vandalism and defacing US currency. FML
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On 05/05/2009 at 1:43am - money - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)
Today, I found a box of birthday candles sitting on the coffee table. Bored, I lit one, and after a minute I threw it away and sat back down on the couch. I started looking at the box and noticed that it said "Magic Re-Lighting Candles" at the exact moment that my trash can burst into flames. FML
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On 05/04/2009 at 4:28pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Texas)
Today, I found out that the girl I've been dating online for over a year is actually a very bored 14 year old boy. FML
I agree, your life sucks (34467) - you totally deserved it (103953)
On 05/04/2009 at 2:12am - love - by Iman (man) - United States (California)
Today, my 6 year old daughter asked me, "what would happen to me if you and daddy died?". I told her that she'd probably live with her Uncle Ant and Aunt Ilene. She looked at me and said "You guys can die. I won't cry. I get everything I want over there." FML
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On 05/02/2009 at 4:12am - kids - by Anonymous - United States (North Carolina)
Today, I had my first job interview and didn't have much of an appetite because of the nerves. So I grabbed a brownie that my roommate had left in the fridge and ate it on the train ride in to the city. About 20 minutes into my interview I was so stoned I couldn't speak. FML
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On 05/02/2009 at 2:28am - work - by Dunzo15 (man) - United States (New York)
Today, I forgot my inhaler. I had an asthma attack and had to go to the ER. The doctors told me it wasn't an asthma attack. It was just a panic attack from worrying about whether I would get an asthma attack. FML
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On 05/01/2009 at 5:07pm - health - by jlover42 (woman) - United States (Virginia)
Today, I took a bath with what I thought was my waterproof vibrator. It wasn't. Apparently my boyfriend found me passed out in the tub from an electric shock with my vibrator floating next to me. He refused to call a doctor and insisted on interrogating me about what he's doing wrong in bed. FML
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On 05/01/2009 at 5:46am - misc - by uhoh (woman) - Australia (Western Australia)
