my name is liddy
i love zacharyyyyy
Today, I told my daughter how her eyes look exactly as pretty as my wife's. She told me that she loved the way my eyeballs stick out of my face, just like Elmo. FML
I agree, your life sucks (23278) - you totally deserved it (2346)
On 10/03/2009 at 8:33am - kids - by dessaye (man) - Singapore
Today, I was in a video chat with an old friend who I haven't talked to in years, and my mom walks in. The first thing she says is, "Did you close the toilet after you pooped? Cause today on the news I heard that your poop particles can fly up to 25 feet, landing on your toothbrush." FML
I agree, your life sucks (19518) - you totally deserved it (1414)
On 10/01/2009 at 9:09pm - health - by Poop (woman) - United States (New Jersey)
Today, I am still coughing. I was diagnosed with whooping cough last week, which apparently cannot be treated. Basically, it appears I'm a 19th century English peasant. FML
I agree, your life sucks (24944) - you totally deserved it (2310)
On 09/16/2009 at 1:33am - health - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Virginia)
Today, I was cutting the grass when I saw a man staring at me from my neighbor's garage. This went on for 5 minutes until I finally yelled 'hello'. There was no response, and I was creeped out, so I called my neighbor. It was a life-sized Paul McCartney cutout. FML
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On 09/06/2009 at 12:35am - misc - by cachow (man) - United States (Ohio)
Today, before class I was trying to prove I can twist myself like the people on the front of my anatomy textbook, I got onto a table and twisted my ankles behind my head. Everyone seemed impressed until I farted so loudly that it echoed in the hallway. I couldn't get my legs unstuck. FML
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On 09/04/2009 at 11:07pm - misc - by flexibleflatulance (woman) - United States (New York)
Today, while riding in the car with my friends, we stopped at a red light. To our left, a very obese, middle aged man slowly unbuttoned his shirt and spread it out. He then stared at us while massaging his nipples with his thumb and index fingers for the duration of the red light. FML
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On 09/04/2009 at 1:15am - misc - by Scarred (man) - United States (North Carolina)
Today, when we were at wrestling practice, we had to bend over to stretch. When I bent down, I noticed a car on the street stopped. There was a sixty year old man watching us. He then licked his lips and drove away. FML
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On 09/02/2009 at 4:07pm - work - by iceman123432 (man) - United States (Texas)
Today, I had a stressful day at work and decided to go in the jacuzzi. I hadn't used it for a year, so it was a little dirty. After I cleaned it, filled it up, and jumped in, I pressed the jets. Immediately, thousands of dead moths shot out at full speed towards me. FML
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On 08/30/2009 at 11:23am - misc - by mel (woman) - United States (Illinois)
Today, I was trying to have sex with my boyfriend, David. I moaned his name and he whispered, "I'm not David." Then, with an Italian accent, he said, "It's-a-me! Mario!" FML
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On 08/28/2009 at 1:11pm - intimacy - by Michelle (woman) - United States (Maine)
Today, I thought it would have been funny to cut off my friend's rat-tail. He thought it would be funny to put a brick through my windshield. FML
I agree, your life sucks (7752) - you totally deserved it (63154)
On 08/26/2009 at 9:34am - misc - by alieyoubelieve (man) - United States (Illinois)
Today, I posted a status update on Facebook about how much I liked the Season Finale of NBC's "Heroes". My hand slipped to the right and it came out as "I really love Herpes. It's much better than everyone says it is". I didn't notice for few hours. FML
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On 08/24/2009 at 12:28am - misc - by NotThatKind (man) - United States (New York)
Today, I decided to smoke in my car on the way to school. As I went to ash it out the window, one of the embers flew back into car landing in my eye. Turns out the excruciating pain was my contact lense melting to my cornea. FML
I agree, your life sucks (10057) - you totally deserved it (33305)
On 08/22/2009 at 5:10am - misc - by Shootme (man) - United States (Arizona)
Today, I decided to cook dinner for my wife and kid. After a long day of preperation and cooking I asked them what they thought of it. My 12 year old son then says, "I would say it tastes like shit but not even shit tastes this bad!" My wife then laughed and gave him a high-five. FML
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On 08/22/2009 at 2:29am - kids - by NoCookForYou (man) - United States (New York)
Today, I was driving to work and I had to pee really badly. I am a teacher and my school was another 20 miles so I stopped on the side of the road. About halfway through, a bus full of laughing kids went by. They were all my students. My pants were down. FML
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On 08/21/2009 at 6:15pm - kids - by mrteacher (man) - United States (South Dakota)
Today, my 6 year old daughter somehow learned about sex. She also had the open house at her school where she meets her new teachers. When the teacher asked where she came from, she said, "My daddy's happy sacks." FML
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On 08/21/2009 at 5:28pm - kids - by Ben (man) - United States
