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This isn't what should be happening
You've set the cat off again, he's started pushing fruit out of bodies of water. Well done.
An insomniac or a creature of the dark
You commented on an FML between 1 and 3 am.
You’ve now voted that they totally deserved it more than 100 times.
Today, I went over to my girlfriend's house. She'd told me not to ring the doorbell and just come in so that I wouldn't wake her dad up. As I walked upstairs, her father walked out of the bathroom naked. We locked eyes. I can't get the image out of my head. FML
Today, I had a chat with my husband, and I convinced him to try being more spontaneous to spice up our sex life. This evening, he burst into our bedroom with an eyepatch on, and "seductively" growled, "I'm gonna slay your pussy, wench." FML
Today, I was browsing the web on my boyfriend's laptop, when I idly clicked a bookmark. It turned out to be his private blog, where he most recently spoke in very creepy detail about his efforts to make me love him, remarking that, "Soon, I'll plant my seed in her breeding hips." FML
Today, I was watching a boys volleyball team warming up, and I had my eye on one of them who was quite attractive. He sent the ball a little too far and it hit me in the face. He apologized, and I then for some reason replied with, "It's fine, I like balls in my face." FML
Today, while lying in bed, I heard a strange grating noise coming from the hallway. After recovering from my initial assumption that it was a poltergeist come to murder me and steal my liver, I went out to investigate. It was there that I discovered my bulldog casually eating into the wall. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I agreed to tell her parents that she's pregnant. When they started freaking out, instead of dealing with the situation maturely, she went into straight-up Tard Mode and said, "It's okay, I'm not the mom." FML
Today, some friends and I were pulled over on our way back from a party. We'd had a few drinks, so we tried to play it cool just in case we were over the limit. The cop didn't seem to want to breathalyze us, until my really high friend in the back seat said, "These are not the droids you are looking for." FML
Friday 26 September 2014