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Today, I have to defend my client in court. The defense that my client wants me to use is, "It's not a robbery if you have swag" and then goes on saying, "The judge is bound to let me go after he sees my swag." FML
I agree, your life sucks (18350) - you deserved it (1345)
On 05/22/2013 at 9:57pm - work - by Anonymous - Canada (Ontario)
Today, I was at Starbucks getting my usual morning coffee. When the barista asked me what name I wanted on the cup, I said 'Primrose Everdeen' for a laugh. When they called out my order, a stranger yelled, "I volunteer as tribute", walked up to the counter, took my coffee, and left. FML
I agree, your life sucks (8453) - you deserved it (19815)
On 05/22/2013 at 9:35pm - misc - by Primrose Everdeen - United States (Virginia)
Today, I brought my girlfriend home for the first time to meet my parents. They were having a heated argument because my mom had bought "the wrong toilet paper" and my dad was angry because "she should know that he has a sensitive anus". FML
I agree, your life sucks (41549) - you deserved it (2759)
On 05/17/2013 at 11:52am - misc - by Sonofa - Canada (Alberta)
Today, I was at my aunt and uncle's house. I went to the bathroom and after I washed my hands, I took a Q-tip out of the carton to clean my ears. When I reached for a second one, I noticed that every Q-tip in the carton was actually already used. FML
I agree, your life sucks (39953) - you deserved it (6515)
On 05/05/2013 at 7:10pm - health - by grossed out - United States (Illinois)
Today, I babysat a 4-year-old child for my neighbor. It seems he had diarrhea. The evidence of this is in his pants, down his leg, on the couch, on the bathroom floor, smeared on my wall, and in the shape of a brown handprint on my shirt. FML
I agree, your life sucks (45637) - you deserved it (3061)
On 05/05/2013 at 4:49pm - kids - by Aunjy - United States (New Jersey)
Today, I was taking a dump in the bathroom. The lights turned off and I was too embarrassed to come out of the stall. The janitor walked in, turned the lights on and asked If anyone was there. I stayed quiet. He turned the lights back off and locked me in the bathroom. FML
I agree, your life sucks (15287) - you deserved it (51743)
Today, I wanted revenge on my college's drinks machine. For the past two days, it forgot to release a cup before pouring my coffee. This time, I had planned ahead; I put my money in, entered the code, and quickly inserted my own cup. It gave me hot water. FML
I agree, your life sucks (39134) - you deserved it (4471) - Translated from the french version of FML. Bon appétit!
Today, I summoned the courage to call my abusive mother-in-law about her non-payment of the money I stupidly lent her last year. She replied, "Why don't you go deepthroat a cactus, then we'll talk about it, cunt." and then hung up on me. FML
I agree, your life sucks (46822) - you deserved it (5756)
On 04/28/2013 at 4:44pm - money - by a tad whipped (man) - Australia
Today, I was getting ready to have sex with my boyfriend for the first time. It seems he thought I was a much larger cup size than I really am, because when he saw my actual boobs, he said, "Aaaaaaand they're gone". FML
I agree, your life sucks (48766) - you deserved it (9993)
On 04/27/2013 at 12:11am - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States
Today, I was making out with my girlfriend for the first time, and she reached down to feel me up. When her hands got there, she stopped and said, "You're not even hard..." I was. FML
I agree, your life sucks (59621) - you deserved it (6809)
On 04/24/2013 at 2:56pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)
Today, at work at a farm, we got a new calf. It looked like it had to poop, but was having difficulty. About four hours later it still hadn't pooped. Turns out it was born without an actual butthole. It was there, just sealed up by skin. I literally had to cut this poor calf a new butthole. FML
I agree, your life sucks (68889) - you deserved it (3077)
On 04/23/2013 at 10:01pm - animals - by halliemarie1818 - United States
Today, while practicing a song in choir, I got a boner. Trying to cover it up, I tried sitting down. My choir teacher got mad and made me stand in front of the whole class. FML
I agree, your life sucks (55748) - you deserved it (6782)
On 04/23/2013 at 12:08pm - intimacy - by Soundofaboner - United States
Today, my mother met my sister's boyfriend for the first time. As we talked about it later over dinner she said she didn't like him. When I asked why, she paused for a second and said, "Well, he really reminds me of you." FML
I agree, your life sucks (34058) - you deserved it (2492)
On 04/21/2013 at 8:27pm - misc - by Ellwood - United States
Today, I was trying sell a customer a top-of-the-line surround sound system. Apparently he was aware that I work on commission, as he threatened to buy the system elsewhere unless I sang Rebecca Black's "Friday" in front of the whole store. Goodbye, self-respect. FML
I agree, your life sucks (37636) - you deserved it (4431)
On 04/21/2013 at 12:03pm - money - by a little less poor at least (man) - United States (Tennessee)
Today, while my boyfriend was in the kitchen, he got three text messages, all of which were from "Babe 2", "Babe 3", and "Babe 4". FML
I agree, your life sucks (49340) - you deserved it (5946)
On 04/20/2013 at 8:02am - love - by How strange - United States
Monday 20 May 2013
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