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Today, my dog farted. Immediately, he turned around to sniff his stink then furiously licked his butthole. He then proceeded to lick my nose. FML
I agree, your life sucks (12692) - you totally deserved it (4561)
On 02/26/2010 at 6:13am - misc - by aaalias34 (woman) - United States (California)
Today, my boyfriend came to visit me. He told me he was cheating on me, and that he wanted to break up. I was so angry that as he left, I started screaming at him out of my second story apartment window. I picked up a huge potted plant and shoved it through the window at him. It missed my ex and hit my car. FML
I agree, your life sucks (6327) - you totally deserved it (19155)
On 02/25/2010 at 7:33pm - love - by MUemma (woman) - United States (Pennsylvania)
Today, I applied and was accepted for a part-time network engineering position. Being contract work they asked me what I charge. I replied, "$12 an hour." After a look of surprise they accepted me for the position and said, "Our last guy charged $200 an hour, you're a bargain." FML
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On 02/25/2010 at 10:39am - money - by compguy (man) - United States (New York)
Today, I discovered that when business is slow at my family-owned store, my daughter and another employee make a habit of sneaking away to the back room. I have literally been paying this kid to screw around with my daughter. FML
I agree, your life sucks (15515) - you totally deserved it (2273)
On 02/19/2010 at 3:36pm - kids - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Iowa)
Today, I returned home to find that my boyfriend's dog had gotten into the garbage and ripped all my used pads to shreds. There's a trail of Always tatters leading to his dog bed, and blood everywhere. My blood. Oh God. FML
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On 02/19/2010 at 3:24am - misc - by OMGraven (woman) - United States (Georgia)
Today, in math, I was working on an assignment and this really cute girl comes over and says my name. At this point, my heart is pumping with excitement and I'm thinking she is going to ask for my number. She said,"Did you know someone drew a penis on your back?" FML
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On 02/19/2010 at 1:32am - misc - by GeneralElement (man) - United States (Utah)
Today, my little sister walked in on me and my boyfriend. I told her I would give her 10$ if she just pretended it never happened. She agreed, walked out and shut the door. Later, when my parents arrived, she yells: "Nicole and Joe were naked upstairs!" FML
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On 02/19/2010 at 12:31am - kids - by ohemgee23 (woman) - United States (California)
Today, in a sporting goods store, my mom walked over to the other side of the store, when a cute guy came over to talk to me. When she saw this she grabbed a bat, walked over to us and said "If you ever even look at my daughter again, I will beat you shitless." She was serious. He ran. FML
I agree, your life sucks (16960) - you totally deserved it (925)
On 02/16/2010 at 9:54pm - misc - by batter--up (woman) - United States (Georgia)
Today, I went to the shops with my little sister. We had to walk through the lingerie section of the store to get to another part. My sister then yells at the top of her voice 'stop following me you freak'. I had security escort me out of the store, and got many dirty looks. She thought it was hilarious. FML
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On 02/16/2010 at 3:18am - misc - by Timv86 (man) - Australia (Victoria)
Today, my dog farted next to my CPAP sleep/breathing machine. The machine sucked up her fart, compressed it, and promptly injected it up both of my nostrils. FML
I agree, your life sucks (21080) - you totally deserved it (1648)
On 02/13/2010 at 11:08am - misc - by Dog fart - United States
Today, while on the treadmill, my iPod fell and shot out underneath my feet. I got off to get it, and when I tried to get back on, I slipped and fell on my face on the moving track. The whole gym watched me get beat up by a treadmill and clapped when I finally got back on. FML
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On 01/03/2010 at 11:28am - health - by i-should-probably-stick-to-swimming (man) - United States (California)
Today my boyfriend and I were play wrestling. I had pinned him down and was sitting on his chest when he suddenly squeezed my stomach, causing me to rip the loudest fart ever. He looked so shocked that I could help but laugh. I laughed so hard that I accidentally peed on him as well. FML
I agree, your life sucks (21534) - you totally deserved it (9344)
On 12/31/2009 at 3:04pm - love - by pottypattypeepants (woman) - United States (Texas)
Today, my grandpa was wearing flip flops and white socks. He entered my restroom, and the moment he did it, I realized there was no toilet paper left. I felt too ashamed to interrupt his dump, so I waited for him to ask for paper, he never did and came out without socks. FML
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On 12/10/2009 at 4:03pm - misc - by dayum (man) - Mexico (Chihuahua)
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me for being superficial. She said I was superficial because I paid $100 for acne medication, because she always complained about how much acne I had. FML
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On 12/09/2009 at 5:19pm - love - by Superficial (man) - United States (West Virginia)
Today, I met a girl who's the whole package: brains, beauty, shared interests, great personality, single, and into me. Too bad I married my bitchy, depressive high school girlfriend who said she'd kill herself if I didn't. Sometimes, she still tells me she'll do it if we divorce. I believe her. FML
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On 12/09/2009 at 8:27am - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Florida)
