"Being mature isn't acting like an 'adult.' Real maturity is acknowledging the way you are and being that way regardless of what the world thinks."
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Today, the cops showed up to check out a child abuse complaint, I then had to spend an hour explaining that I had given my son a suppository. The neighbors heard him sobbing hysterically "Daddy, why did you put that in my butt? It hurts." My neighbor had heard and thought I was raping my son. FML
I agree, your life sucks (56425) - you totally deserved it (2419)
On 06/24/2009 at 5:11pm - kids - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)
Today, I walked into the bathroom and found my sister cleaning her vibrator. With my toothbrush. FML
I agree, your life sucks (78265) - you totally deserved it (3933)
On 06/09/2009 at 12:18pm - intimacy - by quadropheniac (woman) - United States (Missouri)
Today, I was in Walmart. I saw a demo for Guitar Hero on the DS so I started playing. I was kicking ass and really feeling great about myself. I then looked away for a second, looked back down, and saw that the notes were still being hit. The demo had been on automatic-player the entire time. FML
I agree, your life sucks (11181) - you totally deserved it (40186)
On 05/29/2009 at 9:10pm - misc - by theskippster - United States (Maryland)
Today, me and my girlfriend were heading back to her place. On the way there, she was rubbing and stroking me. When we got there, I asked her mom for a congrats hug. I forgot I had a hard on from my girlfriend. She felt it. FML
I agree, your life sucks (12182) - you totally deserved it (43789)
On 05/27/2009 at 5:45am - intimacy - by arctic1 (man) - United States (Alaska)
Today, I went to the store to buy groceries. I didn't care how I looked, so I wore an old shirt that said, "Thousands of my potential children died on your daughter's face last night." I ran into my girlfriend's parents at the store. FML
I agree, your life sucks (13410) - you totally deserved it (61822)
On 05/24/2009 at 3:50pm - misc - by helloitsbrian6969 (man) - United States (Florida)
Today, I had a very intense sexual dream that made me come and left me panting when I woke up. It was the best orgasm I'd ever had. The trouble was, it wasn't about a hot girl, or anything sexy. It was about bacon. FML
I agree, your life sucks (88659) - you totally deserved it (19168)
On 05/17/2009 at 8:33am - intimacy - by wtfdreams (man) - United States (California)
Today, I woke up to a hand rubbing my very erect penis, and a woman's peppermint breath in my ear. "Mom?" I called out instinctively, recalling how she always smells like peppermint. The hand stopped rubbing, and I turned to face my very disgusted looking girlfriend of three years. FML
I agree, your life sucks (19490) - you totally deserved it (57657)
On 05/17/2009 at 2:42am - intimacy - by Ohshit (man) - United States (Texas)
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. I really get off on hearing her say my name so I was imagining her doing so more often than she actually was. I then proceeded to call out my own name by accident. FML
I agree, your life sucks (17797) - you totally deserved it (66967)
On 05/07/2009 at 10:45am - intimacy - by eeh (woman) - United States (Ohio)
Today, my boyfriend and I were laying naked in my bed making out. All of a sudden, we hear "pop goes the weasel" outside my house. My boyfriend stops, looks directly at me, and excitedly says, "ICE CREAM MAN!" and proceeds to flip me over, grab his clothes, and run out of my room. FML
I agree, your life sucks (66361) - you totally deserved it (8246)
On 04/30/2009 at 8:15am - intimacy - by soooyeah (woman) - United States (Pennsylvania)
Today, while on a run off campus with my german shepherd, I tried to impress a couple of hot fraternity guys playing football outside of their house. I broke out into a full sprint. I then got tangled in my dog's leash and fell straight in to a parked jeep knocking myself unconscious. FML
I agree, your life sucks (9305) - you totally deserved it (34928)
On 04/27/2009 at 10:10pm - misc - by Radgirl (woman) - United States (Virginia)
Today, I went shopping at Macy's for swimsuits with my mom. I told my mom that I hated all the suits there, and that I wanted to get them at Dick's Sporting Goods. My mother then said, in a loud voice, "STOP BEING SO OBSESSED WITH DICKS!" Half the store stared at me. FML
I agree, your life sucks (61278) - you totally deserved it (6779)
On 04/23/2009 at 3:33pm - intimacy - by jpr11011 (woman) - United States (Massachusetts)
Today, my mom and I went to Winn-Dixie. I told her I was going to a different isle 5 minutes later I hear my name on the intercom to go to the front of the store. As I go I see my mom crying, she comes and hugs me and tells me she thought I was lost. Im 22, I had my cell phone, and I drove there. FML
I agree, your life sucks (67855) - you totally deserved it (2291)
On 04/15/2009 at 2:38pm - misc - by SwimSquid (woman) - United States (Florida)
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. He knows that I love when he breaths on my neck. When I was about to finish he put his lips a millimeter away from my neck/ear and breathed, "I love how you smell like my grandmother's house." FML
I agree, your life sucks (76649) - you totally deserved it (5294)
On 04/13/2009 at 8:07am - intimacy - by bodyelectric (woman) - United States
Today, I was playing with my pet hamster and I decided to put it down my pants for fun. It started running around and I actually got aroused. My mom then proceeded to walk into my room to see me with an erection and my pet hamster poke his head out of the hole in my boxers. FML
I agree, your life sucks (19963) - you totally deserved it (165635)
On 04/08/2009 at 10:14pm - intimacy - by hammylove (man) - United States (Florida)
Today, I ran over a squirrel. I saw it twitching so I backed over it to end its suffering. It wasn't a squirrel it was a kitten. The children it belonged to watched as I ran over their kitten. TWICE. FML
I agree, your life sucks (27032) - you totally deserved it (75039)
On 04/07/2009 at 8:11pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Virginia)
