About HazelXHeart : Hey there :) Vegan pizza is AWESOME!!!
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HazelXHeart's favorite FMLs
Today, after a great treadmill run at my gym, I noticed a stain on my clothing. Apparently my nipple chafed so badly that it bled through my white t-shirt, and I'd walked around the gym completely oblivious. FML
by sorenips / 10/03/2011 at 7:19pm / Canada (Quebec) / Health
Today, I finally got the nerve to tell my parents that I'm no longer going to pay them a flat percent of my salary, but only what they need to cover my expenses. Their response: "Better find a place of your own then, you freeloading bastard." FML
by Anonymous / 10/03/2011 at 4:49pm / United States (Texas) / Money
by Username / 10/03/2011 at 1:58pm / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, while at work being a waitress, this lady came in and requested to sit in the section I was waitressing. She held up a $100 bill and told me that if I was attentive to her needs, she would leave me a $100 tip. Excited, I waited on her hand and foot. She dined and dashed. FML
by moodyreallyrocks / 10/03/2011 at 9:05am / United States (Kentucky) / Work
Today, I came back home to find that my house had been robbed, one week after my neighbors. I was walking around my neighborhood to see if anything was suspicious, and discovered that my neighbors had put up a sign, reading: "Rob the neighbors, THEY don't have a security system." FML
by TheAnnoyedNeighbor / 10/03/2011 at 2:08am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous
Today, my boyfriend was going down on me for the first time. He stopped just as I was about to orgasm, and asked if I could finish by myself. Apparently he'd come up with a new algorithm for the Rubik's Cube on my desk and wanted to try it out. FML
by Kayt / 10/03/2011 at 12:38am / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy
Today, my six-year-old got in an argument with my four-year-old. I told them to go outside. The next thing I know, my son was standing in front of his sister's burning Barbie's Malibu Dream House, singing "Burn Baby Burn" and cackling madly. FML
by TraumatizedMother / 10/02/2011 at 3:27am / United States (New York) / Kids
Today, I realized that it has been so long since my wife and I were intimate that I got slightly turned on watching her suck the meat off chicken wings. I'm jealous of fried, sauce-soaked poultry. FML
by therevsev / 10/02/2011 at 2:05am / United States / Intimacy
by katt_is_here / 10/02/2011 at 1:15am / United States (Colorado) / Work
by Kelly / 10/02/2011 at 12:53am / United States (Florida) / Kids
by FirstStringQB / 10/01/2011 at 6:45pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, I gave a man a cigarette. He spent the rest of the day so far following me around, telling me all about his medical history, and chasing after me when I got too far away. I couldn't get rid of him for hours. FML
by Anonymous / 10/01/2011 at 12:21pm / United States / Miscellaneous
by soapy / 10/01/2011 at 12:08pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous
Today, I walked into a gas station to get a bag of chips. Upon moving towards the counter to pay, I noticed the cashier had what looked like a golf ball stuffed in his cheek. I said to him in a joking manner, "That's a huge pinch of dip!" His reply, "It's mouth cancer." FML
by lollipopgreen / 10/01/2011 at 8:33am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 10/01/2011 at 7:44am / Sweden (Vastra Gotaland) / Miscellaneous
- Today, I had a date through a mutual friend. I waited for three hours and she didn't show. Why? Me… Today, while in the bathroom, two teachers came in and started talking. Now that wouldn't be so bad… Today, while shaving, my mother decided that my side burns were uneven. She took my razor and ended…