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Today, I was talking to my guy friend on the phone. He said, "You sound depressed, I should cheer you up and give you a big hug." Jokingly, I responded, "You wouldn't hug something as gross as me." His response? "You'd be surprised." FML
I agree, your life sucks (10423) - you deserved it (29779)
On 07/31/2009 at 2:44am - misc - by Girafarig (woman) - United States (California)
Today, my suburban, white boyfriend of two years told me he wanted to tell me something serious. He sat me down, looked me in the eye and said "I want to be gangster." I started laughing thinking he was joking. He was 100% serious. FML
I agree, your life sucks (52167) - you deserved it (5627)
On 07/09/2009 at 1:17am - love - by hatboxghost (man) - United States
Today, my friend told me that semen was inflammable. Later at night I jacked off into a sock and then, excitedly, tried to lit the sock on fire. Turns out, semen is very much not inflammable. Naked, I shook my sock in the air so it would extinguish while my semen splashed out all over my room. FML
I agree, your life sucks (6219) - you deserved it (87388)
On 06/27/2009 at 12:41am - intimacy - by notinflammable (man) - United States (Rhode Island)
Today, I finally got into a yoga class with the instructor I've been crushing on for 2 years. As he walked closer to greet me, I lifted my leg over my head into a full split, and queefed obnoxiously loud. He responded with his gag reflex. FML
I agree, your life sucks (39409) - you deserved it (23772)
On 06/26/2009 at 12:51pm - misc - by LondonKitsch (woman) - United States
Today, while walking in the mall, I had two people race past me in wheelchairs. Thinking they were racing, I started rooting for the one guy that was ahead. Turns out his wheelchair was malfunctioning and the other was chasing after to help. He then slammed and fell into the water fountain. FML
I agree, your life sucks (34270) - you deserved it (12101)
On 06/20/2009 at 10:29pm - misc - by meantowheels (woman) - United States (Michigan)
Today, I was on the phone with a prospective blind date. He asked me to describe myself so I said that I was fun, attractive and a little chubby but not fat. My 7 year old sister walked up to me and screamed "Jesus doesn't like it when we lie!". FML
I agree, your life sucks (42565) - you deserved it (10466)
On 06/15/2009 at 3:11pm - love - by apparentlyugly (woman) - United States
Today, I got an "Enlarge your penis" email for the millionth time. I was about to dismiss it when I saw the FW: from my wife. FML
I agree, your life sucks (76300) - you deserved it (5455)
On 06/02/2009 at 8:19am - intimacy - by Ariel (man) - Israel (HaMerkaz)
Today, I got a call saying that my son was chasing all the girls in the class with his "Sword of Death", otherwise known as my dildo. FML
I agree, your life sucks (75277) - you deserved it (35504)
On 05/21/2009 at 3:18pm - intimacy - by a (woman) - United Kingdom (Hertford)
Today, I had sex for the first time with the guy I've been seeing about a month. When we finished, all he wanted to do was kiss and cuddle, and all I could think about was how soon he would leave so I could cry. FML
I agree, your life sucks (57612) - you deserved it (21001)
On 05/21/2009 at 5:38am - intimacy - by ouch (woman) - United States (Texas)
Today, my 6 year old daughter saw a man in a wheelchair who's leg had been amputated. She walks up to him and says, "What happened?". He answers kindly that he's a war veteran. She then responds, "Well then you deserve to get your leg blown off. You shouldn't be killing people." FML
I agree, your life sucks (78682) - you deserved it (15587)
On 05/17/2009 at 9:19pm - kids - by embarrassedmom (woman) - United States (Arizona)
Today, my dog started to hump my leg. He always does this and I heard that humping the dog back asserted dominance. Well, I decided to, and I dry humped him back. As I was doing this I said "How do you like that!" And then my mom walked in. FML
I agree, your life sucks (24547) - you deserved it (106518)
On 05/17/2009 at 7:40pm - animals - by sucks (man) - United States (Georgia)
Today, was my first meeting with business partners as I am new to the team. Instead of saying that I was looking forward to "stretching my legs" or "spreading my wings", I told them I was anxious to start "spreading my legs". FML
I agree, your life sucks (51834) - you deserved it (18219)
On 05/06/2009 at 2:04am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Minnesota)
Today, I got dressed in what I thought was a really adorable outfit. I had a cute pink skirt on, a white tank top and silver strappy sandal heels. On my way to the mall a car pulls over and this guy asks me how much for three hours. FML
I agree, your life sucks (23507) - you deserved it (55778)
On 04/23/2009 at 4:07pm - intimacy - by gabormelchior (woman) - United States (New Jersey)
Today, I was in a tour group going through a cave and our guide stopped, turned off the lights, and told us to be quiet so we could feel absolute silence. I farted. FML
I agree, your life sucks (23561) - you deserved it (44457)
On 04/22/2009 at 3:10pm - misc - by fartmaster (man) - United States (Illinois)
Today, I got a text from my girlfriend saying she needed more phone credit, so I bought her more and got another message saying "Great, now I have enough credit for this..." as she spelled out a three page message breaking up with me. Yes, I paid for her to break up with me via text. FML
I agree, your life sucks (64888) - you deserved it (5592)
On 04/22/2009 at 11:26am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - Australia (Victoria)
Monday 20 May 2013
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