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How depressing, no badges acquired at all. :/
Today, I finally worked up the nerve to text the girl I've had a crush on to ask her on a date. I got back the reply, "Error message 3265: Number No Longer In Swrvice." Not only can she not spell, when I looked it up, "error 3265" doesn't even exist. FML
I agree, your life sucks (63832) - you deserved it (7311)
On 08/17/2009 at 5:41pm - love - by ZSL (woman) - United States (New York)
Today, while I was watching Miley Cyrus' new music video, I had an itch near my bikini line that I couldn't reach through my jeans. So I unzipped my pants to get to it, and that's when my boyfriend walked in on me with my hands down my pants. He thought I was getting off on the music video. FML
I agree, your life sucks (38176) - you deserved it (16634)
On 08/15/2009 at 7:24pm - intimacy - by notguilty (woman) - United States (California)
Today, I went to Knott's Berry Farm with my girlfriend. After we got off of Supreme Scream, the ride attendant asked her, "How was it?" She pointed to me and said, "It's like sex with this man, my boyfriend; intense, then disappointing because it only lasts like 30 seconds." FML
I agree, your life sucks (44054) - you deserved it (8464)
On 08/08/2009 at 9:41pm - intimacy - by blank13 (man) - United States (California)
Today, I was listening to music while my grandma and mom were in the same room. I only had one headphone in. My mom, thinking I had both in, started telling my grandma how much of a "little bitch" I am. My grandma went on to say, "She's also a slut." FML
I agree, your life sucks (46284) - you deserved it (12555)
On 08/07/2009 at 8:43pm - misc - by Momlovesme (woman) - United States (Colorado)
Today, I was at my girlfriend's house. It was just me and her. Things began to get heated, and we started doing it on the living room couch. Near the end of it I decided to whisper in her ear, "Who's your daddy?" I hear behind me, "I am." FML
I agree, your life sucks (38667) - you deserved it (71406)
On 08/05/2009 at 1:28am - intimacy - by unbelievable208 (man) - United States (Michigan)
Today, I was taking a shower when my boyfriend suddenly hopped in with me. We were getting a little frisky when my mom's hand unexpectedly came through the curtain, and dropped a condom in the bottom of the shower, all the while saying, "Keep it safe kids!". FML
I agree, your life sucks (47941) - you deserved it (21913)
On 07/21/2009 at 3:45pm - intimacy - by uh-oh (woman) - United States (New Mexico)
Today, my mom had a talk with me while my dad was out. She said to stop using her lotion for my masturbation sessions. I asked her how long did she know. She replied with, "Ever since we put up that camera in the living room for burglars, where you happen to watch your porn." FML
I agree, your life sucks (21975) - you deserved it (34327)
On 06/30/2009 at 12:49am - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - Canada (British Columbia)
Today, I heard my daughter scream at my son through the bathroom door, "Are you jacking off in there or something?" and him scream back at her "Shut up you fucking cunt!" My daughter is 7 and my son is 8. FML
I agree, your life sucks (98103) - you deserved it (56511)
On 06/10/2009 at 2:09pm - intimacy - by badmom (woman) - Canada (Quebec)
Today, after masturbating in the shower, I heard my phone go off outside the bathroom. After my mom saw me get my phone to check my messages she said "I think you're addicted to that", to which I said "but it feels so good and every guy does it." She was talking about how I text people a lot. FML
I agree, your life sucks (9770) - you deserved it (55416)
On 06/07/2009 at 2:47am - intimacy - by Jon (man) - United States (Illinois)
Today, I meant to express to my friends that I was enamored with a young saleswoman I had encountered at a store. I wanted to tell them that she was quite petite and that I am, in general, attracted to petite women. Instead I said "You know? I like little girls." FML
I agree, your life sucks (14866) - you deserved it (43425)
On 06/03/2009 at 1:23am - love - by boinger (man) - United States (California)
Today, I found some oversized-strawberry-spree candies in my pantry. They were delicious and I munched on them through out the day. I ended up in and out, but mostly in, the bathroom in the dead hours of the night experiencing the wonders and effectiveness of Fruit Flavored Fiber pills. FML
I agree, your life sucks (10150) - you deserved it (32466)
On 05/28/2009 at 3:14am - health - by KKimrae_ness (woman) - United States (California)
Today, I thought it would be funny to bother my friend Emily. I kept punching her. She asked if I wanted to fight. I agreed because she's a 15 year old skinny girl and I'm 17 year old buff guy. She beat the crap out of me until I cried. FML
I agree, your life sucks (13319) - you deserved it (105500)
On 05/24/2009 at 5:49am - misc - by AyoitsSteveo (man) - United States (California)
Today, I had a very intense sexual dream that made me come and left me panting when I woke up. It was the best orgasm I'd ever had. The trouble was, it wasn't about a hot girl, or anything sexy. It was about bacon. FML
I agree, your life sucks (142292) - you deserved it (32745)
On 05/17/2009 at 8:33am - intimacy - by wtfdreams (man) - United States (California)
Today, I had my first job interview and didn't have much of an appetite because of the nerves. So I grabbed a brownie that my roommate had left in the fridge and ate it on the train ride in to the city. About 20 minutes into my interview I was so stoned I couldn't speak. FML
I agree, your life sucks (146583) - you deserved it (38936)
On 05/02/2009 at 2:28am - work - by Dunzo15 (man) - United States (New York)
Today, I was going to have sex with my Hispanic boyfriend. I wanted to turn him on, so I asked my friend how to say "fuck me" in Spanish. She claimed it was 'pollo frito'. I then had sex, constantly screaming 'pollo frito' for an hour. I later realized I was screaming "fried chicken." FML
I agree, your life sucks (47084) - you deserved it (129067)
On 04/06/2009 at 3:51pm - intimacy - by FML.. (woman) - China (Hebei)
Monday 17 June 2013
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