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DishHeads's favorite FMLs
Today, I was lighting fireworks for my cousin's birthday in my Grandmother's yard. When it came time to light the "Grand Finale", I read on the outside of the box,"Face this side toward crowd for best result". After I lit it, I realized that it was on it's side. I shot 100 fireworks at my family. FML
by Tyler_Padgett / 05/24/2009 at 7:52pm / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous
Today, I had an ultrasound in fear of testicular cancer. I apparently signed papers allowing an intern to do it for practice. She was in her early 20s and smoking hot so as she was rubbing jelly on my testes I got an erection. FML
by erectioninfection / 05/01/2009 at 2:21pm / United States / Intimacy
Today, a telemarketer called for my dad. Jokingly, I said, "I haven't seen him for like five days...I'm starting to get worried," in my best child-like voice. Apparently the telemarketer called Child Protective Services. I'm 20. FML
by Telemistake / 04/30/2009 at 2:03pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was playing one on one soccer with a girl like. I accidentally kicked the ball right into her face. The ball rolled back towards me and as I was running to see if she was ok, I kicked the ball... right into her face again. FML
by hyper12332 / 04/29/2009 at 10:35am / Australia (Victoria) / Love
Today, I was driving home from school, when I saw this girl I like walking home. Trying to be polite, I pulled over and asked if she wanted a ride. After my offer, I was rejected as she said "No, I'm actually already home," and walked up the nearest driveway... MY driveway. FML
by Kelavmeister / 04/16/2009 at 9:16pm / United States (Illinois) / Love
Today, my parents were out so I invited my girlfriend over. It was the afternoon, and things started to heat up. We were having sex, and I was about to finish. Then I looked through the window, to see a construction worker (who was fixing the house next to mine) giving me a thumbs up. He's her dad. FML
by Anonymous / 03/22/2009 at 9:04am / Malta / Intimacy
Today, I came home and saw on our fridge, "Please don't drink anymore, I really worry about your health" written by my 7-year-old daughter. I figured she wouldn't ever find out, so I opened the fridge. But I found another note on a can that said "So you're going to drink anyway?" FML
by Anonymous / 03/21/2009 at 12:46am / United States (Florida) / Kids
Today, I texted my college boyfriend to tell him how terrible I felt about cheating. He replied saying he was so relieved because he had been cheating on me with a girl in his dorm. I was talking about my math exam. FML
by gentileman / 03/16/2009 at 1:11pm / United States (Maryland) / Intimacy
Today, I had one of the worst panic attacks in years. I was worried nobody cared about me and that I had completely messed up my life. I was hyperventilating and crying hysterically. My mom walked by my room, looked at me, and said, "If you're going to make those noises, at least shut the door." FML
by Screwed / 03/15/2009 at 11:38pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous
Today, to remind myself to write a check for my speech and debate team (Lynbrook Speech and Debate), I wrote "LSD money" on the back of my hand. The Vice Principal saw it, dragged me to the office, and called my parents. FML
by gonkc / 03/04/2009 at 2:05am / United States (California) / Money
by Sal / 03/03/2009 at 1:29pm / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy
by EPICfml. / 03/02/2009 at 2:01pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous
Today, I met a guy at a bar and we went back to my room. We start having sex and about 30 seconds in he stops and says it's not right - he likes me too much for a one night stand. He gives me his number, a kiss on the cheek and leaves. Turns out he already came. I call his phone - wrong number. FML
by jsw029 / 02/25/2009 at 11:51pm / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy
by screewit / 02/20/2009 at 6:42pm / United States (New Jersey) / Intimacy
Today, I fell asleep in my driver's ed class, and I woke up in a middle of a dream laughing. Everyone stared at me. I found out that the teacher had just finished talking about his vegetative niece who didn't wear a seat belt. FML
by Biggest Jerk / 02/14/2009 at 6:15pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous
- Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She gave me back the brand new box of 12 condoms that I had… Today, my room mate told all of our mutual friends that he had walked in on me doing woodwork in my… Today, when I woke up, my husband was already up. Thinking I hear him in the hall I shout out "come…