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Today, I thought it would be funny to fart in my roommates mouth while he was asleep. I walked over to him and pulled my pyjamas down and let loose. To my surprise it was a very wet one and I accidently took a dump on his face, he woke up and beat me until I was bleeding. FML
I agree, your life sucks (14226) - you totally deserved it (222081)
On 04/18/2009 at 1:09am - health - by dumptaker (man) - Canada (Ontario)
Today, I was playing with my pet hamster and I decided to put it down my pants for fun. It started running around and I actually got aroused. My mom then proceeded to walk into my room to see me with an erection and my pet hamster poke his head out of the hole in my boxers. FML
I agree, your life sucks (18701) - you totally deserved it (163341)
On 04/08/2009 at 10:14pm - intimacy - by hammylove (man) - United States (Florida)
Today, I went on a date with a guy for the first time. We went to Starbucks and got coffee. We talked for awhile, and we were joking and having a good time. Suddenly, he put his hand on my stomach and said, "soon, this will be plump with my seed." FML
I agree, your life sucks (157426) - you totally deserved it (10528)
On 04/06/2009 at 3:39pm - intimacy - by creepermagnet (woman) - United States (Maryland)
Today, my tampon string was hanging from my bathing suit. My boyfriend thought it was a thread hanging from my bikini bottom. He publicly pulled out my tampon. FML
I agree, your life sucks (94864) - you totally deserved it (8544)
On 04/03/2009 at 3:39pm - misc - by rebekah (woman) - United States (Massachusetts)
Today, I left the iron and ironing board in my room. While I was at school, my mom decided to do some ironing, and did it in my room for convenience. The iron needed water, so she took a water bottle from my dresser and poured it in. It was my secret vodka stash, and the iron caught on fire. FML
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On 04/03/2009 at 2:13pm - misc - by healey16 (woman) - Canada (Ontario)
Today I was at my job as a shift manager at a fast food restaurant. Our company policy states that all employees must be clean shaven before coming to work. My boss told me that I had to inform one of the employees, Kris, that they had to shave before they could clock in. Kris is a woman. FML
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On 04/02/2009 at 2:21pm - work - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Michigan)
Today, I came home to find a sock I previously used to whack off on my bed with googly eyes and a mouth drawn on it with a note that read "Because you can't find a real girl, I made your current one prettier, Love Mom." FML
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On 04/02/2009 at 1:13am - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Oregon)
Today, a joke, my friends plastic wrapped me to my bed while i was sleeping, I had an allergic reaction to the plastic and had to have the girl i like come cut me out and give me my meds. I sleep naked and was unable to put on clothes during this time. She saw me naked, swollen & with hives. FML
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On 04/01/2009 at 10:49pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Florida)
Today, I decided to take a nap. My boyfriend gave me some sleeping pills but I decided last minute not to take them. I woke up to my boyfriend kissing my neck and unbuttoning my shirt. Without opening my eyes, I whispered "ooh this is so romantic." He blurted out shocked, "Oh...you're awake?!" FML
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On 04/01/2009 at 12:13pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - Canada (Ontario)
Today, while at the Golden Gate Bridge, I spotted a large group of asians trying to take a picture. Trying to be a diplomat, I slowly say "You... want me... take picture?" while using hand motions. The man looks at me and says "No thanks asshole. I got it." in plain english. FML
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On 03/26/2009 at 3:19am - misc - by Tourist (man) - United States (California)
Today, my teenage stepdaughters, as a punishment for refusing to buy them iphones, told my wife they saw me in town kissing an attractive blonde and grabbing her ass (all invented). She believed it and i'm single. I've been faithful and feeding the whole family for 10 years. FML
I agree, your life sucks (205487) - you totally deserved it (9172)
Today, I was sitting in Science class and to my surprise I felt my pants suddenly becoming warm and wet. I looked behind me to see that 4 boys from my class had inserted a small funnel into my exposed buttcrack and where pouring the melted butter from the experiment into that area. FML
I agree, your life sucks (62012) - you totally deserved it (14787)
On 03/10/2009 at 1:13pm - misc - by Sarah - United Kingdom (Bolton)
Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled : "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML
I agree, your life sucks (216150) - you totally deserved it (238598)
On 03/09/2009 at 6:58pm - intimacy - by RC3Welly (man) - United States (Florida)
Today, I was in the change room at the local YMCA. I went to use the hair dryer but couldn't because a naked old man was bent over, butt cheeks spread wide with his hands, and ass aimed at the dryer. He seemed to be enjoying it. FML
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On 03/05/2009 at 1:45pm - misc - by nuberific (man) - Canada (Ontario)
Today, my boyfriend told me he couldn't hang out with me because he felt really sick. I went to his house anyway to surprise him with homemade soup. I walk in to his room only to find him hooking up with my sister. She can't drive, our mom drove her there. FML
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On 02/28/2009 at 7:44pm - intimacy - by Noname (woman) - United States (Virginia)
