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Bartimists's favorite FMLs
Today, I finally hooked up with the guy that I have been in love with forever. If there is such a thing as soul mates, this guy is it. He's my best friend in the whole world. It was the worst sex I have ever had. FML
by Live Sweet / 04/25/2013 at 1:33am / Intimacy
by fiercehawk / 04/24/2013 at 2:23am / United States (Indiana) / Health
by BIGCHEIFAAA / 04/24/2013 at 12:55am / United States (California) / Kids
by anonymous / 04/24/2013 at 12:55am / Germany / Work
Today, at work at a farm, we got a new calf. It looked like it had to poop, but was having difficulty. About four hours later it still hadn't pooped. Turns out it was born without an actual butthole. It was there, just sealed up by skin. I literally had to cut this poor calf a new butthole. FML
by halliemarie1818 / 04/23/2013 at 10:01pm / United States / Animals
Today, I decided to be playful and leave my girlfriend flowers and chocolates from an "Anonymous Admirer". She immediately dumped me, saying she couldn't be with someone who "isn't even as romantic as a stranger". Yep, I think I just got dumped for myself. FML
by BestBF / 04/23/2013 at 7:22pm / United States (Nebraska) / Love
Today, my boyfriend and I were planning how to spend the day together. When I suggested we start off with some fun in bed, then get some pizza and play his favorite video game, he sighed, "Can't we just go straight to gaming?" FML
by Anonymous / 04/22/2013 at 4:16pm / United States / Love
Today, I was feeling really sick at work. I messaged my boss whether his girlfriend, who also works there, could cover me. He then came down, shouting at me that whatever illness I have, I've also passed on to his girlfriend. I'm pregnant. FML
by work -_- / 04/22/2013 at 9:22am / United Kingdom (Surrey) / Work
by Anon / 04/22/2013 at 3:19am / Singapore / Miscellaneous
Today, my boyfriend and I got into an argument. Naturally, I drove over to my best friend's house for comfort. My boyfriend saw me driving past his house and promptly broke up with me for being "a psycho stalker." She lives across the street from him. FML
by And you think I'M crazy? / 04/22/2013 at 1:06am / United States / Love
Today, I saw a woman in the neighbouring apartment taking a shower without pulling the blinds of her bathroom window. As a good Samaritan, I waved my arms to attract her attention that she forgot the blinds. She noticed me, opened the window, did a weird boob dance and middle fingered me. FML
by Magicali / 04/21/2013 at 10:56pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous
by wallet? GONE / 04/21/2013 at 6:27pm / United States (Colorado) / Money
Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend that taking triple the maximum dosage of painkillers won't actually triple its effects. She rolled her eyes, called me clueless, and said that I should "leave this stuff to the professionals." She's studying to become a doctor. FML
by Anonymous / 04/21/2013 at 1:36pm / Kuwait (Al Kuwayt) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was trying sell a customer a top-of-the-line surround sound system. Apparently he was aware that I work on commission, as he threatened to buy the system elsewhere unless I sang Rebecca Black's "Friday" in front of the whole store. Goodbye, self-respect. FML
by a little less poor at least / 04/21/2013 at 12:03pm / United States (Tennessee) / Money
by jerk_ex_boyfriend / 04/21/2013 at 9:33am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Love