Bartimists

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Bartimists

0Fucked!

  • Town/Country : Not specified
  • Title : Mister
  • Birth Date : Not specified
  • <3 status : With someone
  • Number of visits : 2007
  • Number of comments : 8
  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 0 posted

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Bartimists's page activity

Visits<b>ABillOnFire</b> - the 07/04/2013 at 12:19am<b>FluxPavilion</b> - the 05/06/2013 at 4:58pm

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You have voted for 15% of the entire collection of FMLs to date.

50 favourites

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Bartimists's favorite FMLs

Today, my gran came over for dinner, for which I had to go grab some supplies from the supermarket. I guess I should have locked my laptop, because when I came back, I found my gran had used my Facebook account to propose to my now-ecstatic girlfriend. FML

by my gran is a cuntwaffle / 09/26/2013 at 4:36pm / United Kingdom / Love

Today, I asked my boyfriend about his views on personal growth. He replied, "What, you mean dick size?" FML

by what / 09/25/2013 at 10:42am / Canada (Alberta) / Intimacy

Today, a week after my dad discovered Family Guy and started mindlessly repeating catchphrases from it 24/7, I finally lost my temper and told him how incredibly annoying it is. He just paused, turned to look me in the eyes, and said, "Shut up, Meg." FML

by Anonymous / 09/06/2013 at 6:56pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I was asked by my neighbor to stop jogging in our neighborhood because he keeps catching his son whacking off while watching me. His son is 28 years old and still lives at home. I'm 18. FML

by whatjusthappened / 09/05/2013 at 8:46pm / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy

Today, I'm a police officer who had the honor of arresting my girlfriend of 3 months for prostitution. All of my coworkers at the station know her and won't stop giving me judging looks. FML

by single again / 09/05/2013 at 8:29pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, a soon-to-be-ex co-worker flew into a rage when she saw she wasn't on the schedule for next week. The boss told her it's because she quit. She reminded the boss she wants to keep working part-time. My new job is inventing tasks for her to do to keep her calm. FML

by Zuzubat / 09/05/2013 at 7:29pm / Canada (Alberta) / Work

Today, I came home to find my housemate cowering in the lounge corner, sobbing, hugging a bag of chips while the automatic vacuum cleaner gently bumped into him. Apparently he "mistakenly" put magic mushrooms in his sandwich instead of peanut butter. FML

by down trodden / 09/05/2013 at 3:45am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I finally got up the courage to talk to my four-year boyfriend about how insecure I've been feeling in our relationship recently, and how I needed his support while I try to get my self-esteem back on-track. He fell asleep mid-conversation. FML

by Anonymous / 09/05/2013 at 2:47am / United Kingdom (Warrington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized that I have a rack and butt most girls would be jealous of. That wouldn't be bad if I wasn't a dude. FML

Today, I used a restroom. While doing my thing, the power in my building completely went out. There was another person in the restroom making demonic noises and scratching at my stall. When the power came back on, he was gone. I think I'm being haunted. FML

by dear god help me. / 09/04/2013 at 6:46pm / United States (Hawaii) / Work

Today, the window cleaner did his rounds at my house. I sat at my mirror applying makeup and doing my hair. When he came to my window, he yelled rather loudly, "Stop putting on a show for me, you dirty slut!" FML

by stillembarrassed / 08/06/2013 at 1:01pm / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous

Today, I was feeling down because I always think that I'm overweight. My boyfriend tried to prove me wrong by lifting me up. I threw his back out. FML

by GirlfriendsAreBadForYourBack / 08/06/2013 at 12:01pm / United States (New York) / Health

Today, my wife of 12 years informed me that the only sexual activity she is interested in is foreplay, and she absolutely doesn't want to go any further than that anymore. FML

by tigger2013 / 08/03/2013 at 12:01am / Australia (Victoria) / Intimacy

Today, I was washing up in a public bathroom, when I looked up for a second and saw a kid in the mirror staring back at me. I gasped, as I thought the place had been empty. He whispered, "It's time to die." I screamed and ran out, only to hear him burst out laughing behind me. FML

by lights on forever / 08/02/2013 at 4:57pm / Turkey (Istanbul) / Miscellaneous

Today, I finally felt ready to make love to my boyfriend for the first time. It all went great, until I tried putting the condom on him. In the process, I managed to nick his penis not once, but three times with my nails. His eyes brimmed with tears and he completely lost his erection. FML

by fuck but no fuck / 08/02/2013 at 3:44pm / South Africa (Gauteng) / Intimacy