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Alxjams

Offline (the 08/23/2014 at 12:31pm) | Search for a member

Alxjams

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  • Number of visits : 235
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  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 0 posted

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Alxjams's favorite FMLs

Today, I was enjoying a nice bath, when one of my cats jumped up on the rim and started purring. I thought it was sweet, until my other cat ran in and body-slammed the first into the tub with me. Being a conscientious cat owner, I hadn't de-clawed them. FML

#20181270
201 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20966) - you deserved it (5831)

On 11/27/2012 at 2:52pm - animals - by Neutered (man) - United States (Alaska)

Today, I caught my mother trying to switch my contraceptive pill for Tic Tacs. I don't know what's worse - how far she will go to have a grandchild, or that she thought I wouldn't notice that my birth control left me with minty fresh breath. FML

#20178576
106 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22409) - you deserved it (1493)

On 11/25/2012 at 6:36pm - misc - by Username (woman) - United Kingdom (Newcastle upon Tyne)

Today, my boyfriend and I got intimate with each other for the first time. He shoved his hand down my pants, touched about an inch away from my clitoris, and whispered "cummm" in my ear. I doubt I'll have an orgasm ever again. FML

#20145795
118 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33521) - you deserved it (3527)

On 11/03/2012 at 2:02pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - Australia (Western Australia)

Today, during dinner, my daughter rudely cut into my conversation and gushed that she's "like, totally" going to audition for a reality TV show next year, after I pay her way. Five minutes into her jaw-dropping stupidity, I had to physically restrain myself from slapping her out of her chair. FML

#20134692
157 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23936) - you deserved it (5916)

On 10/26/2012 at 8:33pm - kids - by Anonymous (man) - United Kingdom (Solihull)

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He decided that the best time would be while I was giving him a blowjob. He then seemed confused as to why I didn't finish. FML

#20114701
172 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33471) - you deserved it (3173)

On 10/13/2012 at 8:04am - intimacy - by notthebesttime -

Today, as an introduction to the history of China, I asked my APA World History class to write a 500 word essay on a historical Chinese person. Out of a class of 18, five of them were about Mulan. FML

#20102571
220 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21145) - you deserved it (4436)

On 10/05/2012 at 5:47am - work - by desperate (woman) - Malta

Today, it's been a week since I've been in hospital. No one has been to visit me. The nurses have nicknamed me "The Lonely One." FML

#20071345
121 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27153) - you deserved it (1621)

On 09/14/2012 at 6:17am - misc - by lonely one - United States

Today, I was assigned to write a short story about what we imagine Earth to be like in 500 years, and daily conflicts people experience. My teacher loved it and read it aloud to the class. He asked for my inspiration, and I didn't have the heart to say that I ripped off Mass Effect 3. FML

Today, the office I work at put up a "No Masturbating at Desks" sign. I'm disappointed by this, not because I usually whack off at my desk, but because enough people do that there needs to be a sign against it. FML

#20043181
155 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27231) - you deserved it (3670)

On 08/26/2012 at 7:39pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I asked my girlfriend why she never lets me in her house. She stared blankly and said, "What is inside is not for thine eyes." I told her best friend about this creepiness later on. She sighed and said, "T'was not for mine eyes either. I didst fail to listen." I feel like I'm losing my mind here. FML

#19772012
280 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24546) - you deserved it (3305)

On 06/11/2012 at 5:45pm - love - by amidreaming?? (man) - United Kingdom (Hertford)

Today, I was browsing the web on my boyfriend's laptop, when I idly clicked a bookmark. It turned out to be his private blog, where he most recently spoke in very creepy detail about his efforts to make me love him, remarking that, "Soon, I'll plant my seed in her breeding hips." FML

#19663287
303 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34042) - you deserved it (3982)

On 05/22/2012 at 4:49pm - love - by Anonymous (woman) - Canada (Alberta)

Today, I received an email from my girlfriend listing 10 ways to stop premature ejaculation. Subtle. FML

#19629864
129 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21469) - you deserved it (6442)

On 05/15/2012 at 10:53pm - intimacy - by quick blow (man) - United States

Today, I yet again heard a friend say "YOLO" as if it's a word. It was so annoying that I had to restrain myself from punching him in the face and offering him the chance to suck on one of my turds, since apparently "YOLO." FML

#19520181
234 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18248) - you deserved it (4836)

On 04/24/2012 at 12:44am - misc - by Anonymous - United States

Today, another of my dad's blind dates went bad, so I took him out for a beer. I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and when I came back, two guys were congratulating my dad on scoring such a hot piece of ass, and said the sex must be awesome. My dad played along with it. FML

#19472995
164 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38331) - you deserved it (2790)

On 04/15/2012 at 2:43pm - intimacy - by jonasister (woman) - Sweden (Skane Lan)

Today, after several years of having her help me out by doing household chores, I bought my fifteen-year-old daughter a new pair of jeans. Her reaction was to squeal, "Master has presented Dobby with clothes. Dobby is free!" FML

#19463606
583 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13319) - you deserved it (54555) - Translated from the french version of FML. Bon appétit!

On 04/13/2012 at 10:06pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - France



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