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Today, I was at a petting zoo with my boyfriend. A guy that worked there said he'd take a picture of me with a mouse on my head. He reassured me that this mouse was trained. I agreed. Once the mouse got on my head, it peed. Turns out the guy didn't work there after all. FML
I agree, your life sucks (15293) - you totally deserved it (8810)
On 11/08/2009 at 2:14pm - health - by Poopyhead (woman) - Ireland (Cork)
Today, I wore the new bathing suit my boyfriend got me for my birthday to a family reunion pool party. Turns out, it was a gag gift that dissolves after 3 minutes in water. FML
I agree, your life sucks (49034) - you totally deserved it (3711)
On 08/15/2009 at 3:26pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Massachusetts)
Today, after a long stressful day, my boyfriend and I decided to take a shower together. As I'm telling him all about my day, I suddenly felt something warm on my foot, only to look down and see him peeing on me. When I asked what he was doing he said "I'm marking my territory, you're mine now." FML
I agree, your life sucks (48064) - you totally deserved it (8966)
On 07/24/2009 at 3:34am - love - by Surprise (woman) - United States (California)
Today, in the midst of foreplay, this girl tells me I am so hot, I respond "Ditto." She heatedly responds "I love ditto," to which I suavely reply "I didn't know you were into Pokemon. That may make you even sexier." She knows nothing about Pokemon, but I sure know how to kill the mood. FML
I agree, your life sucks (10422) - you totally deserved it (47565)
On 07/23/2009 at 2:42am - intimacy - by MitchFail (man) - United States
Today, I moved in with my brother to save on a swanky apartment. I was skeptical as to how this would work out as we fought a lot as kids. Our first big fight? Whether or not to keep his dorm-style futon complete with Return of the Jedi sheets. He's a 35-yr old physician; I'm a 28-yr old lawyer. FML
I agree, your life sucks (24651) - you totally deserved it (6483)
On 07/11/2009 at 3:50pm - misc - by bdiddy (woman) - United States (New York)
Today, my daughter asked me what the youngest age you should start having sex is, being a good mother I said that she shouldn't have sex until after she's been married. My daughter then said, "Oh...shoot." and walked away. My daughter is twelve. FML
I agree, your life sucks (49796) - you totally deserved it (6660)
On 06/29/2009 at 8:40pm - intimacy - by blazer - United States (Minnesota)
Today, Michael Jackson died. FML
I agree, your life sucks (75777) - you totally deserved it (51822)
On 06/25/2009 at 6:15pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (New York)
Today, I was driving on the motorway when a cop car made me stop. It was a routine check and when they said "Have you been drinking?" of course I said no. To that, my 6 year old sitting in the back screamed "Yes he did! He's lying I saw him drink!" I had drunk a milkshake. FML
I agree, your life sucks (57148) - you totally deserved it (2392)
On 06/04/2009 at 8:17am - kids - by Kimmiko (woman) - Germany (Niedersachsen)
Today, I was cuddling in bed with my girlfriend after a night of heavy drinking. She rolled towards me, looked me in the eyes and sweetly said, "I love you". Her morning breath was so bad that I had to jump up and rush to the bathroom to vomit, leaving a trail along the way. FML
I agree, your life sucks (35767) - you totally deserved it (5981)
On 05/23/2009 at 1:48pm - love - by jimbop (man) - Canada (Ontario)
Today, I spent the whole day seeing how many licks it would take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop: 763. I'm 24. FML
I agree, your life sucks (33809) - you totally deserved it (12360)
On 05/23/2009 at 12:15pm - misc - by Tootsy_Roll_Pop (man) - United States
Today, I got a call saying that my son was chasing all the girls in the class with his "Sword of Death" (my dildo). FML
I agree, your life sucks (53212) - you totally deserved it (24641)
On 05/21/2009 at 3:18pm - kids - by a (woman) - United Kingdom (Hertford)
Today, I left a party after drinking, and was soon pulled over. I frantically grabbed my mouthwash I keep for emergency situations to cover up the alcohol smell on my breath. I was given the breathalyzer almost immediately. I blew a 2.37. Apparently, alcohol is the main ingredient of Listerine. FML
I agree, your life sucks (9310) - you totally deserved it (119310)
On 05/02/2009 at 2:21am - health - by breathalizard (man) - United States (North Dakota)
Today, I thought it would be funny to fart in my roommates mouth while he was asleep. I walked over to him and pulled my pyjamas down and let loose. To my surprise it was a very wet one and I accidently took a dump on his face, he woke up and beat me until I was bleeding. FML
I agree, your life sucks (16692) - you totally deserved it (249838)
On 04/18/2009 at 1:09am - health - by dumptaker (man) - Canada (Ontario)
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