The Top

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Not working out too well, huh?

By Coldandcalculated - 13/10/2021 02:00

Today, I learned that my fiancée copied my house key early into our relationship. The reason being is that in case I were to catch her cheating, which I did, she could come in and trash my place when I called off the wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 524

You deserved it 149

Topping from the bottom

By Anonymous - 23/01/2023 21:00

Today, my girlfriend wanted to have a conversation about sex. After she finished telling me what she liked, in exact detail, I said, "Well, I really like…" She cut me off and said, "I don't give a fuck what you like." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 707

You deserved it 324

By TysonY2 - 26/01/2015 22:30 - United States - Boise

Today, I mentioned to my girlfriend that I'd sent in a job application after she went home. In front of her parents. Who thought she'd stayed the night at a friend's place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 374

You deserved it 8 881

TysonY2 tells us more.

TysonY2 2

Wednesday 28 January 2015 1:56

CLARIFICATION: (Yes I am the op) Yes, she stayed the night at my house. We are both 18, and have been dating for 4 years. Her parents had been assuming we had been "fooling" around for quite some time, so they weren't really per say SHOCKED when it slipped my mind. We both live with our parents, but my mom left for the night. The reason it slipped my mind was because she was the one who told me there was an opening (she saw a sign as we were driving back from getting coffee the morning after), so to my stupid ass brain attributed her directly to applying in the first place. Her mom laughed, and her dad remained silent. Her little brother also remained silent.

By wasted_gas - 05/10/2013 16:00 - United States - Cumming

Today, I woke up, got dressed, and left for the 1 hour drive to the nearest vet. When I arrived, I realized that I left my cat in its carrier on my kitchen counter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 815

You deserved it 27 058

By Anonymous - 24/01/2015 18:33 - Romania - Campina

Today, it's been 3 months since my dog scratched my 9 year old granddaughter after she walked over and repeatedly kicked him. My daughter has disowned me and won't let me see my own grandchildren until I have my companion of 11 years "destroyed". FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 421

You deserved it 2 934

Freaked out

By radioinvader - 28/10/2012 12:29 - Canada - Kingston

Today, my coworker and I were sitting and eating lunch. We noticed a little kid kept staring at us, and every time we looked away he would come a little bit closer. When he was right behind us, I looked and was startled enough to jump. The parents were three tables down, laughing uncontrollably. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 585

You deserved it 3 764

Let sleeping dudes lie

By Anonymous - 10/06/2024 12:00

Today, there was a homeless guy asleep on a bench. I had to step around some kids and my bag hit the homeless guy. Now I can only assume he was a homeless veteran, because the speed with which he woke up, screamed “enemy contact”, and practically broke my knee, tells me he had years of training. FML

I agree, your life sucks 441

You deserved it 133

About last night…

By Couch Potato - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Elk Grove

Today, my girlfriend got mad at me because I slept on the couch last night. She also seems to have forgotten that we had an argument last night, after which she stormed into our bedroom and locked me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 649

You deserved it 3 285

By Anonymous - 26/10/2012 21:59 - Switzerland - Zurich

Today, I was watching a movie with my boyfriend, when things got a little frisky and we started making out. It was my first time French-kissing, and apparently he has a very sensitive gag reflex, because the moment my tongue went in, he started retching, and vomited moments later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 021

You deserved it 3 830

Hormonal hell

By Anonymous - 05/08/2020 23:02

Today, someone drank a sip of my single serve pasteurized orange juice and put it back in the fridge, ignoring the whole jug of non-pasteurized juice, that I cant drink because im pregnant. I cried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 522

You deserved it 278

Doofus

By Burned - 11/06/2024 22:00 - United States

Today, I learned that if you're going to light a bottle rocket and throw it out the window of a car, you should roll the window down before you light the bottle rocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44

You deserved it 1 039

Brutally honest

By thisucks - 28/01/2010 13:59 - Canada

Today, I went out on a date with a guy significantly older than myself. I told him I really liked him because I can have an intelligent conversation with him, unlike most guys my age. He told me he just wanted to get into my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 409

You deserved it 11 031

Huh?

By Anonymous - 14/07/2009 18:03 - Spain

Today, I went to a restaurant for lunch. The waiter brought some bread and I started eating it as I waited for him to take my order. When he approached me he looked at me and said, "Don't eat too much bread honey. It'll make you fatter." Not fat, fatter. I never thought of myself as fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 303

You deserved it 7 079

TMI

By mael - 25/11/2008 08:54 - France

Today, I was looking for a magazine in my mother's bedside cabinet and I came across some daft test about sex. Apparently, my mother likes anal, oral, and my dad's cock is bent. Nauseous. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 574

You deserved it 10 521

Feline Fitness

By FML Videos - 18/09/2018 00:30 - United States - New York

It's ok, they've got 9 lives.

I agree, your life sucks 323

You deserved it 92

The chop

By Anonymous - 08/11/2021 05:01

Today, I got a serious infection following a medically necessary circumcision, and my doctor told me they will probably have to remove even more of the skin where the infection is particularly aggressive. My knob is gonna look like Freddy Krueger's face on a bad day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 764

You deserved it 157

By Anonymous - 24/10/2012 10:51 - Australia - Croydon

Today, I went to the bar I've always gone to after work for the past 12 years. On arrival, I got banned for life, punched in the nose and thrown out. The barmaid comes out and says, "Sorry, wrong guy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 344

You deserved it 1 908

By samantha - 27/01/2010 14:05 - Singapore

Today, I was sick with the flu so my boyfriend announced that he would make me some chicken soup. It was touching until I stumbled to the kitchen and found out that his "chicken soup" was actually leftover KFC bones boiled in water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 785

You deserved it 4 389

Strange dynamic

By Anonymous - 15/11/2021 01:59

Today, my husband has been texting women to see if he can go out on a date with one of them, just because I’ve befriended his friend and apparently, the movie and food I got with the friend was a first date, so now he wants to get even. FML

I agree, your life sucks 729

You deserved it 2 361

Everyone can be a 7

By Diet Time - 16/06/2024 20:00 - United States

Today, I summoned the courage to ask out my best friend of 4 years. I’ve had a crush on him for a while now. He told me, “Thanks but no thanks, you’re a great friend but I don’t find you physically attractive enough to go out with.” This always happens with every guy I try to get with. It sucks to be ugly and fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 372

You deserved it 505

Mind games

By Aaron - 27/01/2010 02:12 - United States

Today, some girl from Colorado called me. She knew my name. My Facebook. I had no idea how she got my number. She then asked me out. I say, "Sure…" sarcastically. She then called my girlfriend, who also lives in Colorado. Our relationship is now over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 937

You deserved it 39 584

Put the booze down

By Anonymous - 13/08/2020 14:01

Today, I shat myself in front of my girlfriend's family, after drinking too much the previous night and waking up with major stomach problems. FML

I agree, your life sucks 569

You deserved it 2 119

Communication

By mairelys - 26/01/2010 06:56 - Canada

Today, I tried talking to my boyfriend about our sex life. I was trying to express that I feel like we don't do it enough, but he wasn't very responsive. I ended up saying, "I wish you had a bigger sex drive" to which he answered, "I wish you had bigger boobs." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 041

You deserved it 10 219

Sneaky hand shandy

By Skylan - 13/11/2008 10:31 - France

Today, I took advantage of the fact that my wife was sleeping to watch porn on my computer. I put headphones on so that she wouldn't hear, but It wasn't until she came out of the bedroom that I realised I hadn't plugged them in properly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 809

You deserved it 59 018

How? Why?

By bloody_hell - 15/01/2015 02:18 - United States - Elkhart

Today, I was faced with the inevitable horrible circumstances which lead me to put in a tampon on a moving city bus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 627

You deserved it 5 242

Thanksgiving is such a special time of year

By emilyta - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my husband threw up in the shower after drinking almost a whole bottle of wine. The shower won't drain now. Happy Thanksgiving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 290

You deserved it 2 991

emilyta_fml tells us more.

emilyta_fml 0

Thursday 29 December 2011 7:49

I don't drink much and he wanted to have drunk sex. Lol fail on him.

By Anonymous - 20/01/2011 20:05 - United States

Today, I dozed off during a lecture. When I woke up, I didn't recognize any of the people surrounding me, and I saw one guy pointing and laughing at me. It turns out, my professor instructed everyone to let me sleep because he wanted to see how long it would be before I woke up. I was asleep for three hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 089

You deserved it 34 264

By Anonymous - 19/10/2012 02:49 - Canada - Regina

Today, after being totally in love with a guy since middle school, I finally had enough self confidence to go and talk to him. Turns out he's boring as fuck. I obsessed over this guy for nearly 4 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 006

You deserved it 37 232

By Anonymous - 24/01/2010 19:29 - United States

Today, I broke my dominant hand. My teacher insists we hand-write our essays. I called and asked if it was okay for me to type up the essays. She said no. I have two essays due tomorrow, which count for half my grade. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 401

You deserved it 3 599

By Tara - 31/10/2008 07:06 - Sweden

Today, I babysat a four year-old kid, so his parents could go out to party. Once in bed, he yelled, "I want to go party!" After three or four times, I told him to go to sleep. Two hours later, he'd wet the bed, saying, "I told you I want to go potty!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 003

You deserved it 52 340

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The Top

Today, after being sick all day with the flu, I asked my husband to wash the dishes after I went to bed. He said he couldn't because he had a large, important project for work that needed to get done. I woke up a couple of hours later to find him smoking weed on the couch and watching cartoons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 842

You deserved it 2 427

Today, my country is going back into a full national lockdown after the government swore they wouldn't do another one. We desperately need to stop the spread, but with so many U-turns and broken rules from the government, no one is going to listen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 967

You deserved it 224

Today, my dad is getting married for the 4th time. First it was my mom, then as they got older, he married a woman 10 years his junior, then his third wife was my age and 28 years his junior. Now at the grand old age of 64, he is marrying a 22 year old, 42 years his junior, almost 2 decades younger than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 260

You deserved it 127

Today, I sharted in work this morning. It was rather unpleasant and everyone around me knew what had happened. The embarrassment was stifling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 959

You deserved it 192

Today, I found out my mother would rather sleep than attend my soccer games, volleyball tournaments, or see me win any awards. However, she was present to see the dog get potty trained, filming the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 031

You deserved it 117

Today, I had to call the cops on my batshit crazy neighbor, who’s repeatedly threatened to steal my dog. I finally got her ass on camera. She swears that my dog is being abused because it prefers to sleep outside instead of being in the house. Imagine that, an animal that likes being outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 938

You deserved it 148