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Spotified

By aarong - 10/02/2014 06:42 - United States - Tampa

Today, I found my daughter's "sex songs" playlist. I was more disappointed by her poor taste in music than the fact that she is already sexually active. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 550

You deserved it 8 011

My nan

By Mandy - 01/03/2009 14:20 - United Kingdom

Today, I was drunk at my nan's birthday party. My boyfriend texted me asking if I could go out, to which I replied "No, I'm at my nan's house." He then dumped me, calling me a "cheating whore." I was confused, until I realised I'd misspelt nan and said, "No, I'm at my man's house." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 950

You deserved it 46 790

By Anonymous - 25/02/2012 05:21 - United States

Today, my oven decided that it was going to lock and clean itself right in the middle of cooking my steaks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 690

You deserved it 4 244

Wyan

By hellosaila - 27/02/2009 07:58 - United States

Today, I met this really attractive guy who introduced himself as Wyan. He was really cool and sweet and we got along pretty well. Then someone informed me that his name is Ryan and that he has a speech impediment, AFTER I had been referring to him as Wyan for quite some time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 988

You deserved it 15 082

By cay - 30/01/2013 19:59 - United States - Holley

Today, I was trying to sleep away a fever, when my grandma woke me up. She was sitting next to me, shoving gummy bears into my mouth until I started choking. She laughed, ran away, and denied everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 347

You deserved it 3 251

Teenage narcs

By Anonymous - 08/02/2020 05:00

Today, my mom called to tell me that I needed to clean the side of her couch. Why? Because someone picked their nose and wiped snot all on the side of it. She thinks it was me because I sat there last. It wasn't me. I don't even live there, but I have two teenage siblings that blame everything on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 899

You deserved it 166

Masterclass

By annoym - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I spent my day creating a new type of laugh, and performing it in my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 361

You deserved it 14 265

CLAWS

By Attacksloth32 - 09/07/2021 01:59

Today, my cat was sleeping on me while I was laying in bed. I had to use the washroom, so I pushed him off. Except he used my testicles as a way to latch on to me, through my underwear. Let's just say, after having to change the sheets due to blood, I'm considering wearing a jockstrap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 918

You deserved it 243

Thank you for your service

By Pooper scooper - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - Guam - Yigo

Today, I realized that my dog has more work experience than I do. He's a retired military working dog, and I have a Master's degree. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 154

You deserved it 5 799

Third degree

By Anonymous - 10/07/2021 06:01

Today, my wife left her curling iron on the bed, which was dangerous enough, but I also accidentally sat on it after my shower. Now I have a burn on the bottom of my balls, which has turned into a painful blister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 516

You deserved it 145

Creepy

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Tobyhanna

Today, I had to explain to my father that when my friends sleep over, it's not acceptable to sneak into my room in the middle of the night and dig through their stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 994

You deserved it 4 519

By Rejection - 04/05/2010 07:33 - France

Today, I sent my boyfriend a naughty pic. I then asked him if there was anything else he wanted before I got dressed. His reply? "No it's fine." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 051

You deserved it 15 658

Nun the wiser

By Anonymous - 11/07/2021 16:01

Today, my girlfriend offered to roleplay as a sexy nun, then dumped me, claiming my saying yes meant I was attacking her catholic faith and that I’m a sick, depraved criminal. She was the one who offered. I’m not remotely interested in roleplay, I only agreed cause I thought it was her kink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 790

You deserved it 142

Anger management

By Manuel Gearbox - 12/07/2021 18:01 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, I drove a different work vehicle, one with the cupholder right behind the gear lever. After multiple accidental attempts at changing gears with my Coke bottle, I threw it out the window in a temper. I then got busted for littering. FML

I agree, your life sucks 221

You deserved it 1 701

The prick

By Anonymous - 07/10/2022 18:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend asked me to deep throat him and I had to tell him he isn’t long enough to reach my throat. It just about reaches the back of my tongue, but that’s it. He’s now sulking. I can’t change the length of his prick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 526

You deserved it 634

By Anonymous - 22/01/2014 00:55 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I learned that my girlfriend can sleepwalk. She got up, came into the living room where I was laying back against the sofa playing video games. I wasn't really paying much attention, until she stepped on my crotch, after which she left. She doesn't remember a thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 405

You deserved it 6 215

By Anonymous - 24/01/2013 07:17 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I was waiting inside the shelter at the bus stop when a lady came up to me and asked if I would mind if she peed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 221

You deserved it 2 354

Idle hands

By workaholic - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, while I was at work, my boyfriend decided to give my Cocker Spaniel a haircut. I now have the equivalent of an over-sized naked mole rat running around my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 600

You deserved it 3 085

Tense

By kiwi023 - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I spent an hour cleaning my already-clean house to avoid any form of conversation with my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 551

You deserved it 28 587

Amnesiac

By sexytime - 02/09/2009 06:33 - United States

Today, my best friend, who I've had serious feelings for for over a year, decided to tell everyone that he hasn't gotten laid in almost two years. When I told him that he was lying, he responded with, "No, I'm not. Who could I possibly have slept with?" We hooked up six months ago. Three times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 977

You deserved it 4 257

By pchemist - 22/02/2009 00:13 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He said I was way too good at sex so I must have lied about not having much experience, and he "wouldn't be with someone who is hiding something." WTF? FML

I agree, your life sucks 89 543

You deserved it 7 009

Classic mistake

By Anonymous - 17/07/2021 22:01 - United States - Fargo

Today, I woke up from a dead sleep needing to fart. The second I tried to push it out, I realized it wasn't wasn't fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 833

You deserved it 493

By Ouch - 17/03/2010 16:16 - United States

Today, I was walking down the hallway when someone opened a door, smashing it into me. The bump makes it look like I have a third boob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 305

You deserved it 3 955

By overdriven07 - 01/09/2009 15:07 - United States

Today, my landlord asked to borrow my truck to move some furniture. When she returned it, I noticed she had filled the gas tank up. I thanked her for doing so, and she handed me the receipt and said "just add it to next month's rent". FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 924

You deserved it 3 533

Sister act

By ohsugarxo - 31/08/2009 17:21 - United States

Today, I was at my only sister's wedding. She gave a speech about the person who means the most to her. She said, "She's my favorite sister, who has always been there for me." Being her only sister, I got up to hug her. Turns out she was talking about her slutty sorority sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 447

You deserved it 4 023

Be reasonable, people

By SailorVenus93 - 20/03/2020 06:00

Today, at work, I was told at the beginning of my shift that we would be enforcing a 4-item limit on hand sanitizer, toilet paper, etc. Not even 20 minutes later, I had 2 customers bitch me out. This is going to be a long shift, if not year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 168

You deserved it 151

Family goals

By Stephenstrange - 22/07/2021 19:59 - United States - Clinton Township

Today, I asked my mom to tell me how she met my dad, because after 15 years me and my dad are finally working on our relationship. My mom thought it was a good time to tell me he’s not my father, and that my biological father wants to meet me this week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 239

You deserved it 96

By Anonymous - 17/01/2013 10:43 - United States

Today, after months of searching and several emotional breakdowns, I finally found a new job. My wife's words of encouragement? "Try not to fuck this one up." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 479

You deserved it 9 552

By Anonymous - 16/01/2013 05:52 - United States - Sacramento

Today, I was walking out of my girlfriend's house with her when I saw her thong drying on the rack. I picked it up, sniffed it and put it on my face as a joke. She replied with, "Those are my mother's." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 555

You deserved it 53 703

By Ned - 29/08/2009 23:36 - United States

Today, I woke up in my bunkbed because I thought I was experiencing my first earthquake ever. I jumped out of bed and found that it was just my roomate masturbating in the bottom bunk. It was 6am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 570

You deserved it 3 894

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The Top

Today, I had to call the doctor regarding my penis. Not because of erectile dysfunction or an erection lasting more than four hours, but because of the multiple fire ant bites I woke up to after falling asleep in my backyard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 923

You deserved it 4 176

Today, a customer spent ages bitching me out, because he refused to believe he needed to upgrade his computer, which still runs Windows 98, in order to install a modern game for his grandson. He ended up calling my manager and trying to get me fired for scamming him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 499

You deserved it 2 739

Today, I went to the park to read “The Book Thief”. I fell asleep and when I woke up, my book was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 377

You deserved it 1 013

Today, I found out it's not normal to constantly develop boils in the same general areas. Some of those areas include: My neck, my abdomen, my forearm, my forehead, right next to my eyes, right below my armpit, right next to my genitals, and even directly on my penis. I want to rip my skin off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 870

You deserved it 122

Today, I went to a new hair salon that has just opened down my street. I asked them for a trim and a little bit of layering, just to keep things smart and professional. I walked out looking like a cross between a pineapple and a mop. Of course, as is often the case after a bad haircut, I have a job interview in two hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 411

You deserved it 259

Today, I found out the "mystery buzzing" in my apartment wasn’t an electrical problem. It was my landline cordless phone vibrating under the couch, which had apparently been stuck there for two days. I missed 23 calls, mostly from my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 276

You deserved it 246