The Top

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The smell test

By sosadstudent - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Netherlands

Today, I realized I can tell which one of my 6 roommates has taken a dump, just based on the smell emanating from the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 121

You deserved it 4 470

By starbird - 23/02/2009 19:40 - United States

Today, I went to the Doctors and the nurse asked if I was married, in which I responded "yes". Then she asked if I was sexually active... "no". FML

I agree, your life sucks 80 139

You deserved it 10 644

Dark humor

By Anonymous - 14/07/2021 04:01

Today, whilst I was setting up a room for a paediatric first aid course, some of the students arrived. At that precise moment I dropped one of the dolls, and for whatever reason, the first words out of my mouth were, "Oops, I killed the baby." Death glares ensued very quickly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 855

You deserved it 292

By j0hn - 23/02/2009 02:35 - United States

Today, I saw my mom sneaking meat into her spaghetti sauce. She told me she sneaks meat into most of the food she cooks. I've been a vegetarian for 8 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 038

You deserved it 17 544

What have you been up to?

By BadtoWorse - 23/03/2010 14:51 - United States

Today, after thinking I smelled the aroma of stale alcohol, I asked my husband, who is a recovering alcoholic, if he has been completely honest with me about all that he has been doing. Bracing myself to hear about his fall off the wagon, I instead heard a confession of adultery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 187

You deserved it 4 479

Fake it til you make it

By shouldabeenapornstar - 17/03/2010 15:46 - United States

Today, I decided to fake it when my husband and I were making love. Afterwards, he told me that he could tell my head was "really in the game" and felt a stronger connection with me now and was glad I opened up and "let go" with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 265

You deserved it 40 564

By husks - 12/04/2011 04:08

Today, I broke up with my now ex-girlfriend for the 5th time. She still hasn't got the hint. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 137

You deserved it 12 449

365 Days part 16

By frustrated - 13/01/2013 06:39 - United States - Miami

Today, while reading an erotic story, I was more excited that the author used a conjunctive adverb than the sexual content in the story. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 674

You deserved it 12 480

Just stop, please

By fuck you, mum - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, marks the sixth day in a row that my mum has called me to discuss my upcoming wedding. She's obsessed and has intimidated the actual planner I hired into going along with her plans. She's slipped up twice already and accidentally referred to it as her own wedding. Just great. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 210

You deserved it 4 310

By Vincent - 02/01/2014 05:04 - United States - Overland Park

Today, I asked my mom why she had two tooth brushes: one manual and one electric. She said: "I only use the manual one for brushing my teeth." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 161

You deserved it 8 342

By deadhamster - 03/02/2012 18:29 - United States

Today, I woke up to one of my hamsters cannibalizing the other. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 468

You deserved it 5 061

Are you OK?

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Israel

Today, my dad made a voodoo doll out of a melon. This seems to happen a lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 014

You deserved it 2 845

Ecstasy

By Abyssal - 04/04/2011 18:29 - United States

Today, I was making love to my wife from behind. As we both reached climax at the same time, she threw her head back in ecstasy just as I buckled forward with pleasure. We slammed our heads together, effectively ending our orgasms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 261

You deserved it 11 942

Call 'em now

By Anonymous - 01/08/2021 02:01

Today, I had to tell my adult daughter that living in a pigsty house, breastfeeding when she can be bothered, changing a nappy only once a day, and leaving the baby at any relative's house while she shops is not adequate parenting, and unless she improves, I’m getting social services involved. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 437

You deserved it 180

Suspicious Minds

By Anonymous - 03/08/2021 16:01

Today, I finally found out why my wife always told me to never visit her at work. You see, my wife and I are dark haired with blue/brown eyes and our daughter is blonde with very striking emerald green eyes. You know who else is blonde with striking emerald eyes? My wife’s boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 790

You deserved it 126

Mismatched

By AlexSnower - 12/04/2020 02:00

Today, I'm trying to get over my OCD by wearing 2 different shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 258

You deserved it 449

Not feeling it

By Anonymous - 06/08/2021 03:59

Today, it's the 11th time in a row my wife has promised sex, then backed out. Some were good valid reasons I’ll admit, but this time we got as far as naked dry-humping when she suddenly decided she was too upset about our cat dying 8 years ago, so instead she played on her phone until she fell asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 146

You deserved it 338

How is that fair?

By Anonymous - 23/12/2013 00:58 - United States - Dekalb

Today, I found out I was passed over for the promotion I've wanted for 9 months at the fast food restaurant I work in. Who got the job? The 16 year old girl I trained 2 weeks ago. Their excuse was, "She has ambition." I'm going to college for food service management. She failed her drug test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 639

You deserved it 4 243

Nailed it

By anon - 21/12/2013 14:13 - United States - Lehigh Acres

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. I guess she got bored because she started looking at her nails. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 163

You deserved it 12 927

Stuck in a rut

By Anonymous - 16/04/2020 20:00

Today, I realised my wife has been slowly phasing out most elements of our previously active and inventive sex life. These days, it's missionary once a month or she tells me to whack one off by myself in the bathroom. When did we get so boring? FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 186

You deserved it 344

Blackout

By Anonymous - 05/11/2022 06:00

Today, after sexting with my wife for the whole day, I came home to a dark house due to a blackout. Being horny, I went in and started humping her from the back. She screamed. It was my mom who came to supply candles during the blackout. FML

I agree, your life sucks 785

You deserved it 2 576

By rhplb - 17/05/2016 13:10 - Philippines - Quezon City

Today, I arrived to work at exactly 8 so I could leave at exactly 5, without overtime. I found out later that my brother took my keys with him somewhere and now I can't enter the house until he gets back at 11. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 148

You deserved it 910

Caught in the act

By darkrebel01 - 21/04/2020 02:00

Today, I found out how fast my dad's reaction speed is. I was coming downstairs and sat next to my dad on the couch to show him something I did in a class. He was on an adult website and didn't notice I was coming into the room until I was sitting next to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 775

You deserved it 242

Spooky

By Anonymous - 29/04/2020 17:00

Today, I work as a RGN in an old victorian-style nursing home. Due to Covid-19, we've lost many residents, one passing just the night prior while I was with him. This morning, the TV turned on its own at nearly 4 a.m. in the lounge, and one of the HCAs reported stuff falling off in the corridor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 715

You deserved it 176

By TrophyGirlfriend - 17/08/2009 05:43 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was fired. After breaking the news, he also broke up with me. Apparently, his boss had a creepy crush on me and would give my boyfriend bonuses for bringing me to company events and, occasionally, out on the boss's personal boat. Looks like I am no longer useful. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 927

You deserved it 3 220

By suffersecks - 20/01/2012 23:54 - United States

Today, while in the middle of giving my husband a blow job, I looked up to see him staring into space and vigorously picking his nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 698

You deserved it 6 209

By Toothach - 12/05/2016 01:38 - Canada - Fonthill

Today, I went to my dentist's appointment with huge anxiety because I had to get a filling. Last week, I paid $120 to be told I needed this filling. This time, I paid $80 to be told my teeth are fine. Each visit lasted all of 5 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 277

You deserved it 918

Romantic evening

By Neglected - 11/12/2013 19:06 - United States - Wimberley

Today, I told my husband it would be great to spend an evening with a bottle of wine and a pile of blankets on the balcony of our cabin during the cruise. He decided it would be great to ditch me and go out gambling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 261

You deserved it 6 268

Entitled bitch

By das_shizzle - 02/05/2020 05:00

Today, after telling a student that she had to take the online test on the date that I had assigned, she whined to the vice president of the college, who then told my dean that he needed to do something about it. She made me offer testing days on multiple dates. So much for integrity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 741

You deserved it 249

Bye!

By loverpants - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I made the "Good luck, We'll miss you!" sign for my own going away party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 186

You deserved it 5 656

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The Top

Today, my boyfriend turned out to be a moron. Although he loves anal porn, he says gay sex is revolting. His reasoning? Because guys poop out of their buttholes. Apparently women don't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 404

You deserved it 1 560

Today, my family and I went to the movie theater. There weren't enough free seats near the front, so I sat a few rows back with my grandpa. He kept throwing our snacks at my parents' heads all through the movie. He claimed he'd been asleep the whole time, and I'm now grounded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 948

You deserved it 2 375

Today, I found out that you can get arrested for holding up a 'free hugs' sign. FML

I agree, your life sucks 453

You deserved it 118

Today, I asked my girlfriend why my new package of condoms was open. When she failed to change the subject, she responded with, “This is why you’re a depressive crybaby who’ll die alone!” The fight ended with me proposing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 491

You deserved it 3 262

Today, after receiving messages from a person or persons who supposedly have a crush on me, I've come to the realization that it's probably been one guy messaging me all along. I'm not even gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 764

You deserved it 92

Today, someone asked me a question and I responded with, “What?” They said, “Are you deaf as well as stupid!?” then punched me in the throat. I’m actually hard of hearing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 798

You deserved it 127