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A good yanking

By Gordon - 22/07/2009 14:12 - United States

Today, I was standing by the bed, naked, waiting for my wife to come out of the bathroom. She opened the door and walked over to me, swinging her hips, wearing practically nothing. At about four feet from me, she tripped on the edge of the floor mat, and used my junk to catch herself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 82 785

You deserved it 6 773

Live from Salt Lake City

By Anonymous - 20/07/2020 20:02

Today, I’m in a polyamorous relationship with my husband and another woman. She has anger issues and has been very abusive to me, and finally told my husband she wants to break up with me. Not him... just me. She’s still sleeping in our bed with him, and I’m sleeping on the couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 077

You deserved it 3 404

Awkward...

By Sunny - 12/09/2018 14:30 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I went to this coffee shop in town that has a fire pit outdoors with my boyfriend. I threw out the idea of sitting by the fire together, and he responded by telling me that his father and dog died in a house fire when he was young. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 865

You deserved it 294

By Wilson - 04/10/2018 22:00

Today, I fractured my tibia, fibula, and tore a tendon in my ankle. How? You might ask. By stepping in a hole at soccer practice. Now I’ll be out for the entire season with months of rehab. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 683

You deserved it 219

By arrow - 23/02/2016 20:39 - United States - Pomona

Today, the officers of my archery club forgot to check if anybody was behind the targets looking for arrows. I got hit in the leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 681

You deserved it 2 015

By BaMiTsAnYa - 16/09/2013 01:21 - United States - Orlando

Today, as I was getting my nails done at a salon, the owner pulled my head back against the chair in front of all the customers and began to tweeze my eyebrows. When I exclaimed that I didn't pay for that service, she replied, "I don't care. This needs done." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 217

You deserved it 12 900

By HelpPlease - 11/02/2016 23:18 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I tried to break up with my boyfriend. Midway through the speech I'd prepared, I fainted and hit my head against a wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 550

You deserved it 2 675

By UGGGH that was my 2nd attempt too - 04/09/2013 21:14 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I took my driver's test. The woman administering it wouldn't even look at me, so trying to be friendly I said the first thing I could think of, "It must be scary getting in the car with someone you don't know!" She failed me for "excessive chatting." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 093

You deserved it 5 070

Sick

By SickMaMa - 09/12/2014 22:39 - United States - Cortland

Today, my daughter wasn't feeling well, so we allowed her to sleep in bed with us. She snuggled right up with my husband. I felt a little jealous until she turned around and cuddled with me, just long enough to throw up all over me. She then flipped back over and snuggled with her dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 834

You deserved it 4 066

Chill?

By stickygoober - 20/11/2018 22:00 - United States - Peoria

Today, my boss sent a message to a coworker saying, "We're putting all of you back on the phones because one of you can't stop watching Netflix so corporate thinks you guys don't do anything." That person was me. Everyone's pissed at me now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 843

You deserved it 7 402

By SilkySmooth - 28/11/2018 22:00

Today, I realised why my room has been smelling like berries and why sex has been so uncomfortable recently. Apparently boyfriend doesn't know the difference between hair conditioner and lube. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 796

You deserved it 442

By Anonymous - 21/01/2016 13:40 - Belgium - Ieper

Today, I realised what kind of man I married when I finally shelved his book, "Getting Things Done", still untouched 3 months after buying it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 426

You deserved it 2 683

No Shame

By FML Videos - 14/11/2018 00:30

At least he's honest!

I agree, your life sucks 293

You deserved it 72

By Anonymous - 01/01/2010 07:11 - United States

Today, I was forced to spend New Years Eve with my strict/conservative parents in the middle of nowhere in Illinois. If I had nothing else, I looked forward to watching the ball drop in NYC. As the seconds counted down the T.V. shut off. Parental controls shut down cable at midnight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 320

You deserved it 2 885

Night wrestle

By whyeventry? - 02/08/2013 04:39 - United States - Neenah

Today, I finally talked my boyfriend into going down on me. Everything went well until I came and instinctively gripped his head with my thighs. He panicked and we both rolled off of the bed crocodile-style. Now he's too scared to even have sex with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 217

You deserved it 12 745

By Magicfml - 06/02/2017 02:00 - United States - Toledo

Today, I learned that my boyfriend is a better pole dancer than I am, despite daily practice. This was his first time trying it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 309

You deserved it 1 041

Feelings

By Anonymous - 29/07/2013 00:46 - United States - Beaumont

Today, my girlfriend and I were going at it doggy style, really fast, when she started laughing. I asked her what was so amusing and she giggled, "I can't feel anything in there." FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 672

You deserved it 9 813

By Anonymous - 05/06/2009 21:33 - Canada

Today, I was taking a bath and out of boredom started making sheep noises. I then had a conversation with myself in farm animal noises. When I got out of the bath, I walked to my bedroom in my towel, passing the living room... where my little brother's soccer team burst out laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 940

You deserved it 75 331

By Anonymous - 24/12/2015 21:38 - United States - Hackensack

Today, I was taking my grandma shopping, when she pointed at a pair of thongs and told me if I don’t start wearing them I won’t get a man. I've been married for 4 years, gran. Thanks for paying attention. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 235

You deserved it 1 617

Sorry not sorry

By Klamp18 - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I attached fifteen-pound weights to each foot so I could burn some extra calories while shoveling snow. My dad asked me to move one of the cars in the driveway. When I put my foot on the gas pedal, I couldn't take it off. I ended up hitting my sister and knocking her into a snow bank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 123

You deserved it 54 938

Tough choice

By Anonymous - 12/02/2019 00:00

Today, my new anxiety medicine fully entered my system. It makes me shit my brains out. I can either fart and risk shitting my pants every time or I can be too anxious to even enter a public place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 250

You deserved it 222

By Anonymous - 11/12/2015 00:10 - United States - Persia

Today, a woman who I have spoken to approximately twice in my life, asked me out. I turned her down in the most harmless way I could. Three hours later, I found my car keyed and my windshield wipers gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 345

You deserved it 2 033

That's a mother

By Anonymous - 23/02/2020 20:00

Today, my mom and I got into a fight about a topic we agreed on. Seems like we're destined to never get along. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 575

You deserved it 326

By Anti_Sora - 24/03/2019 18:00

Today, I tried to turn in a final exam online. When I went to check if it had been submitted, Blackboard told me it did. My grade told a different story. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 217

You deserved it 158

By dicksonthebrain - 26/09/2014 13:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I was asked to order a new lockable cash tin for work. When my boss returned to ask which one I'd selected, I said, "An 8-inch black one". Her giggle said it all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 295

You deserved it 6 658

By mislead - 22/09/2014 16:43 - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, I found out that the neighborhood call-girl my husband and I secretly joke about is the same woman who secretly pleasures my husband for money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 775

You deserved it 6 189

By Anonymous - 06/11/2015 20:47 - Poland - Warsaw

Today, my roommate called me, but she's a cunt so I ignored her. A few hours later, I found out her mom and dad were in a serious car accident and she needed a ride to go see them at the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 017

You deserved it 32 309

By AmPatt - 26/12/2016 16:06 - United States - Grand Junction

Today, despite driving extremely slowly and cautiously, we slid off the road due to ice and snow. The car hit a rock and the airbags deployed. We were in my 3-month-old car because the engine in my husband's truck blew last week. Merry Christmas to us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 764

You deserved it 826

By Dogless - 21/08/2011 05:51 - United States

Today, over a year on from my parents telling me my dog had died, I went to the shelter to volunteer, and saw my old dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 626

You deserved it 2 612

Lost

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I went to a party with a friend. All I remember is passing out on the couch. About 10 minutes ago, I was woken up by a bucket of cold water and thrown out by the guy who lives there. I'm still dripping and very cold, and I have no idea where the hell I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 971

You deserved it 8 739

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The Top

Today, I went downtown with my friends. A group of guys came up to us and started hitting on everyone except me. Then one of them said, "Do you girls hang out with her to make yourselves look better?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 880

You deserved it 3 871

Today, I fell asleep in history class. I was dreaming about my history teacher. When I woke up everyone stared at me rather weirdly and the teacher wasn't there. Turns out I was moaning my history teachers name through my sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 140 116

You deserved it 40 230

Today, I was in my room and I drew a Harry Potter lightning bolt on my forehead in eyeliner because it cheers me up. Then some friends came over, so we went out to get yogurt, and when I got back I realized the lightning bolt was still there. I'm in college. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 443

You deserved it 74 733

Today, my psycho ex is threatening to take me to court on child abuse allegations. How did I abuse them? I “gendered” our children by buying them certain colored clothing and toys... that they’d asked for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 396

You deserved it 318

Today, I was talking to a coworker about gender reveal parties, and how dumb and dangerous they're becoming. A nearby coworker then burst into tears and ran out. It appears that she's having one this weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 169

You deserved it 516

Today, I woke up to find I'd peed the bed. My girlfriend did the warm water trick to me, where she put my hand in water while sleeping, which can make you piss yourself apparently. As I went to get up, I noticed she'd also painted my toenails pink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 964

You deserved it 204