The Top

Computer is now password protected. It wasn't before cause I let him use my computer for school work, but obviously, he was using it for other purposes!

By Anonymous - 04/09/2011 16:21 - United States

Today, I finally got intimate with the girl I like. As I started lifting her shirt, she stuck her hand down my pants and grabbed my junk. She immediately stopped what she was doing, snickered, and calmly said, "Take me home." FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 353

You deserved it 6 403

By Zanna - 23/03/2017 12:00

Today, a job candidate I was interviewing took a drink of water, and let it dribble down her chin and shirt while making fixed eye contact with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 439

You deserved it 288

By Single and wigless - 14/04/2019 04:00

Today, I was on a FaceTime call with a guy I like and my cat, out of nowhere, attacks my head and snatches my wig off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 160

You deserved it 877

By nomade319 - 16/05/2013 02:57 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, at Toronto airport, the customs officer checked my passport, then called his colleagues to confirm whether my country, Madagascar, really existed or not. Then, he took a picture of himself with me so he could show his kids that people actually live in their favorite cartoon’s country. FML

I agree, your life sucks 856

You deserved it 60

By Anonymous - 07/11/2015 05:02 - Canada - Barrie

Today, my 9 year old shitblossom of a sister decided to wake me up by hocking a loogie into my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 787

You deserved it 1 849

By Anonymous - 10/07/2012 10:03 - United States

Today, I had this amazing dream that a beautiful girl was giving me head. It was getting really hot, so in my dream, I reached down to push on her head, but in real life I actually swung my arm down and punched myself in the balls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 900

You deserved it 41 424

Funny guy

By kinkyapparently - 22/10/2015 14:47 - United States - San Juan Capistrano

Today, my husband broke his toe after tripping over one of our dog's toys. Instead of telling the doctors what actually happened, he said it was "sex related". I had to sit there, beet red with embarrassment, getting weird looks while he giggled to himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 221

You deserved it 2 522

By violetbcracecar - 14/12/2016 03:48 - United States - Suisun City

Today, for the first time in my life, I have lice. The dog we rescued infested our house. No amount of showering has made me feel clean, and my bald husband just doesn't understand why I'm so bothered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 615

You deserved it 966

By Anonymous - 03/06/2013 20:14 - Poland - Polska

Today, my brother looked me dead in the eyes and said his life goal is to find a way to jizz on everyone in the world. I'm scared. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 616

You deserved it 5 613

By Anonymous - 11/10/2015 06:45 - Canada - Oakville

Today, while waiting in line to get my medication, a man who just got his prescription looked me up and down and said "Penis pills, right? Ya look like the type." Then he walked out as a couple of other guys in line started snickering. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 774

You deserved it 1 817

By dukemisery - 28/11/2016 12:23 - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, my ex-girlfriend called saying she wants to get back together because of how mature and sincere I sounded last night. I despise her and I was drunk last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 046

You deserved it 3 035

Favoritism

By Damnlife123 - 21/04/2009 02:39 - United States

Today, I was playing and laughing with my new baby boy. He was giggling, and it was adorable. Out of nowhere, I said, "You're my favorite!" Now I'm sitting here, talking to my two other children about how what I said earlier I didn't mean personally. They never want to talk to me again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 282

You deserved it 130 980

By Kay - 20/10/2016 10:37

Today, at the register, I got a spontaneous nose bleed. The lady behind the counter apparently didn't do well with blood. Her face turned white, she passed out and fell with her head on the counter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 745

You deserved it 629

By stupidrobot - 03/09/2015 20:14 - United States - Seattle

Today, I had to complete a simple math problem to submit a web form in order to show that I wasn't a spam robot. I got it wrong. I'm officially too bad at arithmetic to prove I'm human. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 387

You deserved it 8 341

By Anonymous - 02/09/2015 13:29 - United Kingdom

Today, I was diagnosed with depression. My girlfriend's idea of consoling me was to break up with me because she can't date a "psycho". FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 827

You deserved it 2 201

By AM - 31/08/2015 21:46

Today, it was my birthday and I have no children. My father bluntly says, "Well, I guess if I get any grand-babies out of you now, they will have Down's Syndrome." I just turned 30. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 654

You deserved it 1 949

By Well okay then - 09/10/2016 17:12 - United States - Palmdale

Today, after letting the painters working on my house know that they're more than welcome to use my restroom, I walked outside only to find three of them pissing in my garden. One even aimed for my tomatoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 365

You deserved it 775

Bad memory

By thereisnobaby - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Cadillac

Today, I was met with an unfortunate clerical error, receiving a letter from WIC with a cheery handwritten note instructing me to call when the baby arrives. I guess they forgot I was there four months ago to discuss the changes in benefits after a miscarriage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 661

You deserved it 853

By hk - 20/09/2016 15:29 - Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur

Today, I was introduced to the girl my current boyfriend went out with while dating me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 339

You deserved it 1 018

By stick - 20/10/2009 16:05 - United States

Today, I learned that if you make fun of a man for walking with a cane, you'd better be ready for him to hit you with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 349

You deserved it 172 083

By Anonymous - 19/09/2016 14:03 - United States

Today, because of the gas crisis in my state, we had to stop taking delivers at the pizza place I work at. Someone asked if we could walk it to them. My manager agreed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 858

You deserved it 832

By Sadmom - 14/09/2016 02:15 - United States - Cherry Hill

Today, I found out that my son thinks it's acceptable to use words like "on fleek" in high school level essays. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 969

You deserved it 1 437

FML on Facebook

Keywords

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The Top

Today, while I was having sex with my girlfriend, I was struck with a white-hot pain, and in the confusion thought her vagina had contracted hard. It turned out it was actually my uncircumcised penis retracting for the first time in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 645

You deserved it 7 760

Today, I was walking to work through a bad part of town. A man yelled something at me, but knowing what part of town I was in, I ignored him and kept walking. Two seconds later I got hit by a car. Turns out, he was trying to warn me about the car coming right towards me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 158

You deserved it 38 823

Today, I was checking my friends' posts on Facebook and all of them were complaining what a boring night they had. They were all just at my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 581

You deserved it 231

Today, my son and daughter-in-law are both going to jail for the same crime. I’m recently retired but I’m now stuck raising their bratty 15 year-old and their new baby, who’s less than a year old. I’m nearly 70 years-old, I can’t do this shit anymore. I certainly can’t afford it on a pension. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 121

You deserved it 124

Today, I got lectured by my father for cussing out one of his old friends, after the man insulted me at a formal gathering. This man had called my race into question with a slur. Dad swore up and down how respectable the man is and that I lacked "civility." This old fart of a racist happens to be a council bigwig. FML

I agree, your life sucks 557

You deserved it 128

Today, what should have been a nice family dinner ended with my wife standing over me, staring me dead in the eyes, while endlessly repeating, “Get him out of my house, get him out of my house…” until I agreed to take my drunk brother to a hotel to sleep it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 135

You deserved it 810