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U-turn

By deweyd8855 - 03/07/2012 02:22 - United States

Today, I moved back home after unsuccessfully trying to find work in Florida, despite living there for nine months. About 45 minutes into my 18-hour drive home, a TV station called me to offer me a job interview. I applied for that job over three months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 281

You deserved it 2 498

Desperate nan

By Anonymous - 10/05/2009 04:18 - United States

Today, I graduated from college with two undergrad degrees in biochem and wildlife biology, with high distinction. My mom told me she had found me a job at a petting zoo. I thought she was joking. She then said sternly, "I want grandkids. At least you will meet girls there." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 385

You deserved it 3 570

By Anonymous - 01/07/2012 17:09 - United States

Today, my husband and I went to the store. Because we have no car, we had to walk four miles in the 115 fahrenheit weather. It didn't click until we were standing outside the door with a metric shit-tonne of ice-cream, that we'd have to tear ass back home to keep it all from melting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 272

You deserved it 30 253

Messy bitches

By princessbbee - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I bought my cats two new litter boxes in hopes that they would use them. They still prefer to pee on the clothes in my closet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 056

You deserved it 7 258

By Anonymous - 27/10/2010 05:58 - United States

Today, I spent all day handing out flyers advertising my services as a psychic. I got only one call. The caller wanted to inform me that I had misspelt the word "psychic" on my flyer. She was right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 796

You deserved it 42 659

The whole kit and caboodle

By Anonymous - 05/07/2023 22:00

Today, I asked my husband for a divorce. He said fine, as long as I got full custody of the kids. I did an actual double take; he didn’t want shared custody, he wanted me to take the kids, no arguments or negotiating, because he doesn’t want the kids anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 508

You deserved it 578

Fairy tale

By Anonymous - 04/12/2024 12:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my whole office is treating me like a pariah because I rejected the new guy who has autism. I have a history of being domestically abused so why should I date a guy who, by his own admission, loses his temper easily and attacks people? That’s right, I shouldn’t. FML

I agree, your life sucks 868

You deserved it 121

A friend in need…

By anonymous - 30/06/2012 06:26 - United States - Denver

Today, I was going through a hard and painful break up after a long relationship. Trying to get over it, I invited my two best friends over to lift my spirits. The night ended with them making out on my bed as I sat alone in the other room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 223

You deserved it 2 542

By Anonymous - 26/10/2010 00:22 - United States

Today, I went to my first day of work in over 2 years. As I approached the boss, he asked me what my name was. Turned out they hired the wrong person. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 673

You deserved it 2 387

Stinki Boi

By Mrs sensitive nose - 21/03/2022 04:00

Today, my nose finally unblocked after a week of having a cold. Now all I can smell is the disgusting stench of my husband's pits. We've argued three times already about his refusal to shower more than once a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 068

You deserved it 143

My new best friend

By froggylicious - 16/08/2011 18:18 - Canada

Today, I woke up exhausted because a croaking frog had kept me awake the night before. This has happened every night for the past week, and no matter how far away I take the frog, it always ends up sitting in the same place the next morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 037

You deserved it 5 763

Hate sex

By xenutja - 29/01/2021 20:02 - United States - Amery

Today, I found out why my boyfriend always has sex with me like he hates me. Turns out, he actually hates me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 136

You deserved it 180

Hairstyle lifehack

By Anonymous - 07/07/2023 12:00 - United States - Albany

Today, I tried dyeing my hair at home to save some money. I carefully followed the instructions but when I rinsed it off, my hair turned a shocking shade of shiity neon green. Not wanting to leave the house looking like a radioactive toad, I wore a hat and hoped nobody would notice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 649

You deserved it 389

Don't make me choose

By Anonymous - 16/07/2026 00:00 - United States

Today, I finally cracked and told my boyfriend that if he didn't sign full custody of his evil, manipulative 3 year-old daughter to her mother, then I would leave. He picked me up and literally threw me outside his apartment, slamming the door in my face when I tried to run back inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 78

You deserved it 1 368

By Anonymous - 24/05/2019 06:14

Today, I worked a long shift at my job while feeling like crap, anticipating getting a promotion. As my boss was leaving work, he informed me that because I also go to college, the promotion was being given to another employee that I trained a month ago. This is the second time this has happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 111

You deserved it 197

Sleep tight

By sleepy and scared - 09/07/2023 18:00

Today, it's been four straight nights of terrible nightmares. I’m afraid to go to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 763

You deserved it 123

By Anonymous - 22/10/2010 09:04 - Australia

Today, I was walking home down a small street while listening to my iPod. I really got into the music, and started to dance really badly, only to realise there was a car following me, trying to get past. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 232

You deserved it 31 721

By ElamentalAngel - 06/05/2009 17:04 - United Kingdom

Today, my 3 year old nephew was sitting on my knee at the computer. He was annoying me as he kept on pressing all the buttons. To scare him off I did a creepy voice in his ear that makes him cry. He turned round and broke my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 347

You deserved it 83 925

Tracking

By Anonymous - 11/07/2023 18:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered a tracking app enabled on my phone so I switched it off to save battery space. Within 20 minutes my mother rang and demanded to know where I was, what I was doing, if I was with some woman… you get the picture. I'm 32 and own my own apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 130

You deserved it 126

Hip cats

By :(( - 24/06/2012 21:45 - United States - Montevideo

Today, my parents felt the need to lecture me about how people who "smoke the reefer" are a "waste of life" and will never amount to anything. I was baked during the entire conversation, and actually ended up breaking down in tears, because I realized they were totally right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 071

You deserved it 51 007

By Anonymous - 23/06/2012 13:11 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my parents were awake while I was still in bed on my iPod touch. I decided to play The Smurfs Village. One of its minigames involves shaking the iPod, so I was breathing heavily. Later, my parents sat me down for a little "talk". FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 790

You deserved it 7 816

By Anonymous - 12/08/2011 10:40 - Australia

Today, I was using a public urinal when a man came up to use the one next to me. As he approached, he said, "Friendly spy plane inbound" and pretended to look at my knob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 185

You deserved it 2 980

Hello?

By noquiero - 21/06/2012 18:13 - United Kingdom - Peterlee

Today, someone rang my doorbell. The moment I opened the door, a smell not unlike a cascading torrent of rotting flesh and urine hit my nostrils. I stood there for an eternity as a homeless man leaned on my door and desperately tried to convince me to buy an array of scrap metal from him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 075

You deserved it 3 500

By Anonymous - 19/10/2010 00:23 - United States

Today, a guy asked for my number. He used the rather annoying "You know, this iPhone has everything... but you know the only thing that's missing is your number." I might have given it to him, if he did have the iPhone, not the makeshift box of Mini Wheat Thins he had in his hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 724

You deserved it 5 912

By Username - 10/08/2011 12:36 - United States

Today, my boyfriend leaned over and sniffed me like a dog. He does this almost every day, even in front of people sometimes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 571

You deserved it 7 172

Hey, well, happy birthday anyway

By elmoisdead2131 - 09/02/2021 14:01

Today, my parents took me out to dinner. I thought they were taking me because it's my birthday. Turns out they are getting divorced. They forgot it was my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 354

You deserved it 105

The 5%

By Anonymous - 20/05/2022 10:00

Today, my office has decided to make our working from home a permanent thing for 95% of our staff so they can rent a much smaller office space. Guess who’s one of the 5% who has to drag himself out of bed, just to be a warm body at the office in case something comes up requiring a man on site… FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 073

You deserved it 145

By Anonymous - 01/06/2013 00:02 - Guatemala - Guatemala City

Today, I was sending some dirty texts to my boyfriend, when I heard a knocking sound coming through the wall. I sat there for ten minutes before I realized I was listening to my mom and her boyfriend having sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 856

You deserved it 6 583

By raraisbang - 19/06/2012 01:07 - United States - Doyline

Today, I was forced to listen to a client rant about her lackluster sexual encounters with her husband. I was also given a rather detailed description of his manhood. Apparently, it's small. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 027

You deserved it 2 645

raraisbang tells us more.

raraisbang 12

Tuesday 19 June 2012 16:59

Actually, I'm op and I'm a cosmetologist. I do hair. To clear that up :P

By Anonymous - 09/08/2011 12:55 - United States

Today, I held an open house. Not wanting anything to be stolen I loaded up all valuables in my car (money, prescriptions, computer, iPod, etc) and went out. My car got stolen. Nobody came to the open house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 311

You deserved it 12 458

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The Top

Today, my boyfriend was showing me photos on his iPod when he came across a photo of a half-naked girl. He tried to play it off by quickly changing it, only to reveal even more half-naked girls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 558

You deserved it 3 280

Today, I saw an elderly man struggling to make it across a busy street. I jumped up from my table at Starbucks to help him, leaving my things behind. When I got back to my table feeling good, I found that my coffee had disappeared. So had my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 395

You deserved it 25 716

Today, at 2:30 a.m. I got locked out of my room. I knocked upstairs to get my landlady to give me the spare key. Instead, I woke up the dogs next door who wanted to kill me, so I hid for 5 hours in the enclosed trampoline with some outdoor blankets. They were covered in animal piss. It rained. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 093

You deserved it 705

Today, my therapist started laughing at me whilst I was telling my story. He said, "Sorry, I can't help it" and burst out laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 095

You deserved it 132

Today, my fiancé “thought he should let me know” that he has a 3 year-old son. We’ve been together for 7 years and our wedding is this weekend. He says it’s no big deal, because, “It was just a one-night stand and she has a new man now.” He doesn’t get why I’m angry and calling off our wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 562

You deserved it 146

Today, I was attending a spa weekend that my husband got me, while he watches the kids. He'd swore he’d only call me in emergencies. So far he’s called me 18 times with questions on basic parenting like, "Where are the nappies?" and, "Can babies eat yoghurt?" Emergencies, sure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 533

You deserved it 127