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By bready - 16/02/2009 13:01 - United States

Today, I drank a ton of beers for my 25th birthday. My friends love to watch me open beer bottles with my teeth. I chipped both of my front uppers doing this. I'm no longer covered by my parents dental insurance because I'm 25 now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 864

You deserved it 72 214

By Anonymous - 04/04/2011 05:26

Today, I had diarrhea in a public bathroom. When I was finished, I noticed that someone had pissed all over the toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 466

You deserved it 4 702

Moral support

By too bad so sad - 15/02/2009 11:51 - United States

Today, as I sat on my couch heartbroken from a very recent breakup, my mother walked up to me and in a very comforting voice said, "Maybe he left you for someone else." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 628

You deserved it 2 482

Break it off

By Anonymous - 06/04/2020 02:00

Today, I found out that my fiancée wishes she'd never said yes when I proposed, as she is in love with another man, and has been hiding their relationship for years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 937

You deserved it 149

By robotchickens - 10/03/2010 19:54 - United States

Today, while on the bus, an old man told me about all the many things he wanted to do with my various orifices. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 220

You deserved it 2 714

Good one

By Anonymous - 23/10/2022 18:00 - United States - Lewisburg

Today, I found out that my friend's adult daughter Renee is actually just him catfishing his friends with actress Jessica Jade Andres's pictures. FML

I agree, your life sucks 700

You deserved it 157

By robert - 31/01/2012 00:20 - United States

Today, I went to deliver some reports to my boss in his office. He was facing away from me and ranting about his "useless employees", so I slipped in and waited for him to put the phone down. Turns out he was talking to himself. When he noticed me, he bitched me out and threatened to fire me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 512

You deserved it 4 229

By Anonymous - 01/04/2011 04:32 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were lying in bed together, and I was in a snuggly mood. I rolled over to gaze lovingly into his eyes and whisper sweet nothings to him in the darkness. His response? "Dear God! Did somebody fart in your mouth?!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 758

You deserved it 36 396

Scary

By The V Sal - 13/02/2009 18:39 - United States

Today, I was helping supervise a 5 year-old's birthday party in an inflatable obstacle course. I was playing hide and seek with them. I saw the birthday boy and crept around the corner and yelled, "Found you!" He peed his pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 134

You deserved it 34 335

Eat to the beat

By Anonymous - 04/08/2021 06:01 - Germany - Ebersbach

Today, working at McDonald’s, I get lunch money on top of my salary. Well, actually I don’t *get* the money, I can eat the money. No freestyling though, only items that are actually on the menu. I guess my health and my figure won’t be lovin' it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 752

You deserved it 308

Alone time

By Anonymous - 27/02/2024 20:00 - United States - Buford

Today, I finally got some alone time today with the boyfriend (we have kids, so this is rare) and we were going heavily at it when his mother decided to drop in and wouldn’t stop knocking on the front door. Worst timing ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 548

You deserved it 141

By Anonymous - 04/01/2013 22:52 - United States - Elgin

Today, my boyfriend showed up at my grandmother's wake in torn jeans and a Family Guy t-shirt. When I took him aside asked him what the hell he was thinking, he lost his temper and stormed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 463

You deserved it 4 318

By Anonymous - 29/01/2012 19:09 - United States

Today, it's my girlfriend's birthday. I presented her with an oil painting of her that I'd been working on for over a month, and she started to cry. I thought it was because she liked it, until she asked if she really looks that ugly and disproportionate in real life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 015

You deserved it 3 883

By ohshit - 07/03/2010 17:25 - United States

Today, my fiancé picked which new house he thinks we should live in based on the fact that the bathroom was set up in such a way that he can drink himself in to a stupor, then use the toilet and puke in the sink at the same time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 780

You deserved it 5 686

By ihatemylife - 20/08/2009 17:50 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. When I asked her why she did, she said that the psychic that she was texting (one of those 44644 numbers) said we have a 2% compatibility rating. How does that explain 4 years of happy dating? FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 644

You deserved it 4 459

Late stage capitalism

By Stupidtechnology - 29/10/2022 10:00

Today, being poor and starving, I stole a chick’s iPhone while she wasn’t looking. Turns out, she has a feature on her Apple Watch that can track the iPhone and make it go off, even if it’s on silent mode. I had to pretend I just found it and was looking for the owner so I didn’t look like a thief. FML

I agree, your life sucks 143

You deserved it 2 526

People of Walmart

By Anonymous - 08/08/2021 22:00

Today, a bratty kid at Walmart called my mom a "fat bitch" when she wasn't walking fast enough for him. Enraged, I gave him the meanest death glare I could muster and I tore him a new one, right in front of his mother, who then defended her kid, saying that my mom and I should both lose a few pounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 120

You deserved it 277

Kinda sussy

By HiddenGF - 07/03/2024 16:00 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of a year is talking to another woman on Instagram. When I go to bed, he talks to her until 2-3am, and while I’m at work too, all day long. Their conversations are friendly, but he seems more enthusiastic with her than me. This explains why he doesn’t feature me in his stories and posts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 567

You deserved it 131

By Insanity - 09/04/2015 05:28 - France - La Poste

Today, I managed to get my 4-year-old son to agree that, "cigarettes are poop." I was a lot less proud of myself when he pointed at a 6-foot bodybuilder-type dude in the subway and yelled, "That man smells of pooooooop." FML

I agree, your life sucks 499

You deserved it 151

By annoyed - 10/02/2009 03:59 - United States

Today, I got a ticket. From my dad the cop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 723

You deserved it 18 389

By Anonymous - 29/12/2012 01:23 - Canada - Calgary

Today, after spending a lot of money on photo shoots to build up my portfolio, I finally got an offer from a modelling agency. I ran outside to tell my parents, only for my brother to hurl an iced snowball straight into my face. I now have a huge gash over my cheek and nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 083

You deserved it 4 431

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

By Anonymous - 26/04/2020 02:00

Today, one of my UNIVERSITY students submitted an incomplete assignment file to the online learning platform. I emailed him, "You will need to send me the correct file via email, as the system does not accept resubmissions." I literally got as a reply, "So, what do I need to do?" Online teaching is hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 813

You deserved it 191

"Found", eh?

By Panda_bruh96 - 14/08/2021 02:01 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I found a bunch of half-naked girls saved in my boyfriend's phone, and only a handful of the pics were of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 052

You deserved it 243

By NotTalented - 16/12/2013 03:44 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I played in a high school concert. Some alumni of the band were sitting in the audience and were brought to tears. Not because it was beautiful, but because they were sad to see how much the music program had declined since they left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 697

You deserved it 4 757

Good vibrations

By needanewphone - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, while I was getting ready to take a shower, I placed my phone on the counter next to the toilet. While I was washing my hair, someone called me. My phone was on vibrate, so I didn't hear it until it vibrated off the counter and into the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 067

You deserved it 32 661

Silly idiot

By Heather - 04/03/2010 12:49 - United Kingdom

Today, I was quite happily glossing my new bathroom door, when my useless, alcoholic, housemate came rolling in, knocked the paint over, stood in it, and without realising, walked it all the way down the stairs. I had just had a brand new carpet fitted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 272

You deserved it 3 701

By Anonymous - 17/08/2009 20:02 - Canada

Today, I ran into a guy that I had gone on a few dates with 3 months ago and slept with him a few times, but then never heard from him again. When he looked at me, I went over and gave him a hug and said "Hey, how are you, Chris?". He hugged me back and said "Hey there cutie, what's your name?". FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 987

You deserved it 18 054

By DC. - 08/02/2009 12:37 - United States

Today, my virgin guy friend told me he wanted me to be his first. I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 752

You deserved it 8 632

Sensitive

By Anonymous - 08/11/2022 10:00

Today, my teeth are very sensitive and hold a grudge, so since getting a cavity fixed a month ago, I’ve had a good side and a bad side to chew on (or rather: not chew on). Unfortunately, I had to see the dentist again for another cavity, and now what used to be my bad side is now my good side. FML

I agree, your life sucks 733

You deserved it 123

By sunny_ca559 - 03/03/2010 01:03 - United States

Today, my husband admitted to me that he has a mental block about touching my boobs, because he's afraid that breast milk is going to spurt out at him. I had my son 5 months ago and I don't breast feed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 657

You deserved it 4 136

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The Top

Today, I was walking home when I made eye contact with some guy, just being friendly. He then started rapping at me while pointing at his dick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 123

You deserved it 4 646

Today, I went with my friends to see a movie. I handed my student card over to the cashier as proof I was old enough to see it, and he started laughing hysterically at my picture. Then he called over a colleague, who also started laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 104

You deserved it 3 024

Today, I was eating Campbell's vegetable soup. Halfway through, I started to read the ingredients and found beef broth. I have been a vegetarian for seven years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 949

You deserved it 55 333

Today, my boyfriend came home from being deployed for the past 3 months. As soon as he gets out of the car, he walks right past me and goes to hug his dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 863

You deserved it 8 887

Today, my 20-year-old sister put ketchup on my back instead of sunscreen at the beach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 738

You deserved it 225

Today, while I was helping customers in the self-checkout, one lady wouldn’t stop talking to me. Other customers needed help and I was trying to go help them. When I tried to walk away, she hugged me over my arms, physically restraining me. I froze. I actually have PTSD from being sexually assaulted years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 706

You deserved it 128