The Top

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Tidy

By Jill - 23/01/2023 13:30

Today, my boyfriend taught my son to do his chores. Not real chores, but "Runescape chores" on my boyfriend's account. My son won't pick up his toys or put his shoes away, but he'll jump on the computer to grow plants or cut trees or some other stupid shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 820

You deserved it 230

Winter is coming

By Yellow an - 26/01/2015 22:19 - United States

Today, all day, in a huge blizzard, I've been stuck with a very nice, but very ugly, toothless and rather large and somewhat smelly woman, who has been continuously saying, "It feels like we're dating. Doesn't it feel like we're dating?" Ugh. No, no it doesn't. And please don't kill me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 916

You deserved it 2 968

By mistickfae - 29/10/2012 18:42 - United States

Today, I was complimented for having amazingly lifelike warts as part of my witch costume, and was asked how I achieved the effect so well. I didn't have the heart to admit they were just my pimples under green makeup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 944

You deserved it 2 262

By Heyme - 09/12/2008 13:50 - France

Today, I was working and eating. I was so tired that I bit into my pen and smeared my chocolate-filled pastry on my exercise book. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 401

You deserved it 6 736

By Anonymous - 28/10/2012 10:43 - United States

Today, my mom decided to wake me up by pouring ice cold water on my face. Again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 160

You deserved it 4 464

By preggers - 30/11/2011 14:57 - Canada

Today, my husband asked me if I was really pregnant or if I was just smuggling cheeseburgers. I'm now referred to as "the hamburgler." I'm only 5 months pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 615

You deserved it 3 954

By nothisfault - 05/12/2008 04:40 - France

Today, and as for the rest of my life, I will always have a husband whose breath stinks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 922

You deserved it 29 409

Night visitor

By Anonymous - 08/11/2021 20:00 - New Zealand

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to go pee. While in the bathroom, I felt something move inside my shirt but just ignored it, thinking it was my shirt brushing on something. Something moved again. I ripped my shirt off to reveal a massive cockroach inside my shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 425

You deserved it 152

Brain worms

By Derp - 05/02/2023 06:00 - United States

Today, I was trying to scratch off an Xbox gift card. When I started, I heard knocking. I opened the door. No one was there. I went back to scratching the card. Knocking again. No one there. This repeated until the fifth time, when I realized it was my rocking the desk with the repetitive movement of my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 216

You deserved it 894

By 94lbs of muscle - 02/10/2013 18:37

Today, my teacher was talking about anorexia and bulimia. Midway through the lesson, she stopped and knowingly asked if I wanted to share my experiences with the class. I don't have an eating disorder, just a screwed-up metabolism. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 468

You deserved it 3 375

Ohhh, wham bam thank you ma'am

By gagus123 - 28/10/2021 02:00 - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, I accidentally left the handbrake off in my car, got out, locked it, and started walking away. Then I heard a loud noise and looked over my shoulder and the car was gone. Of course, it hit the only other car parked in the street. FML

I agree, your life sucks 500

You deserved it 974

By Anonymous - 01/10/2013 16:36 - United States - El Cajon

Today, a coworker at school yelled at one of our students to be quiet. The kid got pretty upset, so I went to comfort him. He held my hand for the rest of the class, telling me in vivid detail how he was going to kill my coworker. Now I'm afraid to look at him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 779

You deserved it 3 639

Not helping

By Anonymous - 18/11/2021 01:59

Today, I was talking to my professor and explained how depressed and stressed out I am. He called the police to my house because he thought that would help with my suicidal thoughts. My parents don't believe in mental health, and I want to die more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 150

You deserved it 149

Ouch!

By Anonymous - 14/06/2024 06:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I have such poor joints that I dislocated my hip trying to twist to wipe my own ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 463

You deserved it 86

Scoville

By Anonymous - 15/06/2024 09:00 - United States

Today, my boyfriend made dinner. He warned me that it was spicy, but I laughed at him and said that white guys don't know spicy. Five minutes later, I had to beg for milk, with my eyes streaming and nose pouring. Turns out I was wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 86

You deserved it 751

Sorry for nothing, lady

By bad samaritan - 23/10/2012 03:51 - United States - Houston

Today, a parent was too busy texting to notice her child had run in front of a moving truck. She did however see me grab the child's backpack to yank him back out of traffic. She then screamed at me for "manhandling" her child and demanded I be fired. It's not even my school; I'm a part time sub. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 134

You deserved it 1 682

Trousers? Suit you sir!

By brebis - This FML is from back in 2008 but it's good stuff - France

Today, when I threw my cigarette out of the car window, the wind blew it back in again. My pants got completely burnt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 418

You deserved it 72 844

Disappointing

By WhoopsIDidItAgain - 05/11/2021 14:00 - United States - Morgantown

Today, I realized that just because he danced with you, groped you, and told you he wants to sleep with you, doesn't mean that he likes you and won't leave you on "delivered" for days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 115

You deserved it 596

Kinda suspicious

By fuzzybee301 - 17/06/2024 06:00 - United States

Today, my husband claimed to have gone to a baseball game by himself. My best friend posted a story where she went to that same game. My husband’s hand was in the background. He told me nothing happened between them and they went as just friends. He didn’t tell me because he “thought I’d be mad.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 788

You deserved it 131

Ticket to ride

By Marfo101 - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - Ghana - Accra

Today, a pretty girl joined the line at the bus station. I let her skip the line and go before me so I could sit next to her. After she bought her ticket, I realized there were no more seats left on that bus. I was told to get off, and had to take the next bus, sitting next to a snoring old man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 620

You deserved it 13 820

Make your minds up

By Anonymous - 20/08/2020 08:04

Today, I was told I was negative for Covid, so I went to buy wine to celebrate. Two hours later, I got a call again, saying I was positive and placed under quarantine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 642

You deserved it 271

By Anonymous - 20/10/2012 08:42 - United States - Scottsdale

Today, I was woken up by my teenage son pulling down my shirt and taking pictures of my breasts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 060

You deserved it 3 385

RIP in peace

By Jill - 01/11/2021 11:00 - United States - Fredonia

Today, I found out that my favorite aunt passed away. The funeral was last Thursday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 178

You deserved it 100

Brave boy

By Anonymous - 22/06/2024 06:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my boyfriend of 8 years broke up with me on my 30th birthday, through text message. FML

I agree, your life sucks 560

You deserved it 116

By mandm - 24/09/2013 21:01 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I had to explain to my son why it is not okay to slap old women's butts. He's 16. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 269

You deserved it 4 957

By kaytiebobaytie - 24/01/2010 18:30 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my boyfriend. We were driving to his hockey game and he was joking around about throwing my favorite hoodie out of his window. While swinging it around, my brand new iPhone flew out of the pocket and the window, getting run over by a car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 479

You deserved it 7 791

It's all too much

By Anonymous - 23/06/2024 16:00 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My gifts were a stomach bug from my kid and a confession to a year-long affair from my (now soon-to-be-ex) husband of 21 years. Nobody even got me a card. FML

I agree, your life sucks 673

You deserved it 106

By Unknown - 26/10/2008 12:56 - France

Today, I have blue lips because of a guy whose face I don't even remember didn't know the difference between kissing and sucking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 266

You deserved it 26 194

By Jonathan - 13/10/2008 08:27

Today, I woke up next to a beautiful, half-naked brunette in my bed. Two minutes later, my alarm clock woke me up for real. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 430

You deserved it 19 731

By katie_sadface - 15/10/2012 02:19 - Canada

Today, I learned why so much money has been missing from my credit card account. My boyfriend stole it, and has been buying toys for his 3 children. I never knew he had kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 342

You deserved it 3 014

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The Top

Today, after a shower, my dad jokingly asked if I was jacking off in the shower because I was taking a long time. Before I could respond, my mom chimed in with, "No, he does it before he showers, haven't you noticed how he locks himself in his room?" She was right on the money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 441

You deserved it 13 937

Today, I realized why my sister refuses to let me clean her side of the room. She's secretly been trying to revive dead ants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 871

You deserved it 1 881

Today, my girlfriend asked for a picture of my penis, so I sent her one. Then later on, she asked for one when I was hard, the first one I sent I was hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 681

You deserved it 17 810

Today, I found out that a strong orgasm can trigger my girlfriend's PTSD. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 456

You deserved it 247

Today, my girlfriend introduced me to her family. She’s always called her dad “Daddy” when talking about him, which is fine, but when we went to their house she kissed him on the mouth as a greeting, and at one point was sat on his lap, almost falling asleep. She’s 25. This can't be a good sign. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 280

You deserved it 231

Today, I fucked up when I answered a phone call. I wasn't sure who the number was at first, and it turned out to be my ex girlfriend who had apparently been stalking me. She asked me how my new girlfriend was, and as I answered it in front of my girlfriend, she's now depressed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 687

You deserved it 247