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By Anonymous - 04/08/2013 16:45 - Barbados - Bridgetown

Today, my husband and I arrived in Barbados on vacation. We visited a club, and they had a selection of drinks with weird names. My husband ordered one called the Raging Bitch, flicked his finger towards me, and said to the barkeeper, "Might as well get something I'm used to." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 889

You deserved it 11 305

Mob rule

By --- - 06/07/2015 20:52 - Canada - Toronto

Today, during family therapy, the therapist asked if I believe I'm a good parent/husband. When I said yes, my two sons, my daughter, and even my wife very passionately disagreed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 601

You deserved it 12 955

By piercednipple - 30/06/2015 16:02 - United States - Woodbridge

Today, my docile gerbil was startled by a car alarm. He dove into my tank top and bit straight through my nipple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 089

You deserved it 2 763

By Anonymous - 13/06/2015 15:47 - United States - Cabot

Today, I started my new job at a haunted house. I figured I'd change clothes when I got home, since my bloody shirt and zombie makeup were blatantly just an outfit. I barely made it 10 minutes before I was pinned to the ground at gunpoint, cuffed, and needing new underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 283

You deserved it 2 897

Flattered

By Creeped out - 28/01/2013 08:14 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I was trying on some shoes. As I was bending down, an old lady with a walking frame slowly approached. As she got close she whispered to me, "Mmm, you've got a nice tushie." My girlfriend will not let me hear the end of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 227

You deserved it 3 716

By almost_a_pro - 23/04/2015 13:43 - Brazil - Rio De Janeiro

Today, I was home alone and tried to make some popcorn so I could watch a movie. Thirty minutes later, my parents came home and found me talking to the firemen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 116

You deserved it 9 102

By good friend - 27/12/2013 06:35 - United States - Missoula

Today, my friends and I had our Christmas party. I ended up being the only one sober, and had to drive each and every person home. There were 15 of us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 556

You deserved it 5 820

By anonymous - 01/02/2009 10:53 - United States

Spicy

Today, I slept with this new guy for the first time. After sex, he said the doggie style position was fun, it made him wonder what it would be like to rape a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 259

You deserved it 6 332

By Anonymous - 13/10/2008 08:24 - Australia

Today, I got up at 8am and didn't take a shower so I could hear the postman at the door. He never came. I stink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 571

You deserved it 74 997

By Anonymous - 27/12/2014 21:15 - United States

Today, I was chatting with the girl of my dreams, a real heart-to-heart. Everything was going great, and I asked her if she'd like to get coffee together sometime. She immediately backed away and excused herself, mumbling something about not dating left-handed people. Huh? FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 445

You deserved it 2 704

By Anonymous - 24/11/2010 08:45 - Canada

Today, my best friend was fired from the place we both work at because she's a bad employee. After they fired her she said, "If I go, I'm taking my best friend with me." So they fired me too. I actually liked that job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 296

You deserved it 4 160

By thecathater - 09/07/2013 13:35 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I found out that I'd been wrong to constantly accuse next door's cat of peeing on my car every night. It was actually my 16-year-old son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 853

You deserved it 7 119

Nice try

By idiotwithaface - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I recently graduated from high school and I went to a college party. I met these girls and told them I graduated college already, to sound cool. I then heard one of them say, "I went to middle school with you, and I was in your math class." FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 568

You deserved it 62 691

Family is for sharing

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - San Leandro

Today, I had to share my room with my cousin while she stayed over. I let her take my bed while I slept on the floor. Not only do my back and neck hurt, but I had to clean vomit out of my hair. Apparently, she "wasn't feeling well" last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 183

You deserved it 4 621

Get it on

By RotoRooter - 17/04/2009 07:29 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was about to get it on with a girl in the bathroom of my friend's house at a party. Just when things started getting heated, a pipe burst. Literally. There was water everywhere and everyone had to evacuate the building. I was cockblocked by poor plumbing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 607

You deserved it 12 671

By kennyjhynes - 23/06/2014 13:56 - United States

Today, I drove 12 hours with 6 screaming little girls. They were arguing about things that should've been in the Lego movie. They watched it 4 times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 981

You deserved it 5 304

Independence day

By independence - 07/07/2011 04:04 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend of four years broke up with me because he wanted some independence. He moved back into his parents' house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 764

You deserved it 3 622

By Anonymous - 04/10/2009 11:57 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend kept pressuring me to get it on. I told him I was self-conscious abut my stomach and didn't want him to see it. His response? My double chin doesn't keep him from kissing me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 920

You deserved it 8 283

Maybe I'm Amazed

By cachow - 06/09/2009 04:35 - United States

Today, I was cutting the grass when I saw a man staring at me from my neighbor's garage. This went on for 5 minutes until I finally yelled, "Hello?" There was no response, and I was creeped out, so I called my neighbor. It was a life-sized Paul McCartney cutout. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 984

You deserved it 36 405

By seth7_ - 18/01/2014 07:14 - United States - Dunedin

Today, after arriving home from work I found that my dog took a dump down the air conditioning vents on the floor. Now the whole house smells so good. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 486

You deserved it 5 283

seth7_ tells us more.

seth7_ 22

Wednesday 22 January 2014 4:28

In the process of training, he's a puppy though. My wife was supposed to be watching him but something came up.

By Anonymous - 07/05/2016 05:49 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I went on a second date with a guy who seemed perfect in every way possible. That is until he started mentioned how children are a deal-breaker for him. I had to break it to him that I have a 14 month old daughter. He actually had the balls to ask if I'd ever consider foster care. Seriously, dude? FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 568

You deserved it 2 280

Doggy style

By failuretolaunch2 - 26/02/2015 03:31 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend managed to orgasm by humping my leg. I'm beginning to think I'm dating a puppy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 605

You deserved it 4 911

By WamBamSam - 21/11/2012 09:54 - United Kingdom - Kidderminster

Today, whilst at a red light in my car, a homeless man with a spray bottle and a dirty rag came over to clean my windows. He started with the driver's window, which was wide open, and whatever was in his spray bottle smelled suspiciously like urine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 126

You deserved it 2 360

By texasrose921 - 26/01/2015 11:29 - United States - Momence

Today, a weird friend of my father's decided to visit us. Our house isn't very big, so when he went to the bathroom, I could hear everything. He didn't wash his hands after a massive dump, and when he came out of the bathroom he patted my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 582

You deserved it 2 502

texasrose921 tells us more.

texasrose921 9

Monday 26 January 2015 19:19

Hi, I wrote this FML. Have any of you ever seen an older friend of the family you haven't seen in a while? They've most likely said something like, "Oh, how you've grown!" Or given you a compliment, and then given you a hug or patted you on the head. That's what happened with this guy. He was commenting on a compliment my dad gave me, and decided to pat my face, like a much older uncle would. It wasn't in any weird, predator way. But it was gross. And yes I scrubbed my face with anti-bacterial soap right after.

By bluediva24 - 26/01/2011 00:54

Today, I spent all day preparing a big, elaborate Italian dinner for my boyfriend, who recently discovered he was part Italian. He came home, turned up his nose and said "I was in the mood for Chinese". FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 906

You deserved it 4 156

Dear Raymond…

By Frenchie - 12/09/2013 21:24 - United States - Belleville

Today, in French class we had to write love letters as an exercise. Since my boyfriend recently broke up with me by text message, I ended up writing a 20-sentence love letter in French to my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 647

You deserved it 4 331

By Grindwhore - 17/09/2012 10:46 - Canada - Nanaimo

Today, I got fired for saving my company upwards of $6,000. I'm as confused as you are. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 249

You deserved it 2 363

Grindwhore tells us more.

Grindwhore 2

Tuesday 18 September 2012 7:01

They have yet to give me a reason why, I'm still confused as hell.

Party!

By kady - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my boyfriend was holding my hair back while I threw up. The smell then reached him and caused him to throw up in my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 270

You deserved it 6 737

By ywouldudomelikethat - 03/01/2016 20:02 - United States - Renton

Spicy

Today, I found out my ex started a Tumblr where she posts one photo a day. Each photo being a pic I texted her over the course of our relationship. My office, the bars I like to go to, favorite restaurants, my mom's place, my place, my penis, etc. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 687

You deserved it 4 612

By Blondie - 22/10/2010 20:37 - United States

Today, after a heated debate with my friend on whether blondes are naturally stupid, I convinced her that I'm actually quite intelligent, and poured myself a glass of juice in victory. After finishing the glass, instead of returning the bottle back to the refrigerator, I put it in the cupboard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 690

You deserved it 41 102

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Keywords

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The Top

The Top

Today, I woke up after a long night of drinking with my friends. I vaguely remembered visiting a tattoo parlour, but nothing prepared me for the sight of the words "YOLO" and "MOFO" tattooed across the fingers of my left and right hands. Now I'm officially a bandwagoning douchebag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 213

You deserved it 39 749

Today, my mom explained the benefits of douching to me with my boyfriend right there. He began arguing with her about how the vagina is usually self-cleaning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 139

You deserved it 2 621

Today, I watched as my Tinder date arrived at the coffee shop and mistook another woman for me. He never realized she was the wrong girl, and they spent the entire date together before leaving. The only similarity between me and the other woman was our hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 973

You deserved it 638

Today, the girl I would have risked my life to shag in highschool got in touch and was clearly fishing for a date, but in the past ten years, she’s been in prison for arson, become 10 stone overweight, a chainsmoker with a visible moustache, and 6 kids with 4 men. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 242

You deserved it 249

Today, my cat somehow managed to lock me out of my apartment by jumping on the doorknob while I was taking the trash out. I had to call a locksmith, and now it's like my cat won't even come near at me, like I betrayed him for allowing a stranger into our home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 327

You deserved it 145

Today, I assembled my kid’s birthday bike without reading the instructions. I proudly presented it, only for him to sit on it and immediately realize the handlebars were on backwards. The training wheels were also uneven, so it leaned like a sinking ship. My kid said, “It’s OK Dad, it's not your fault,” which hurt more than if he’d laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 118

You deserved it 533