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By tukkies - 03/10/2010 09:23 - South Africa

Today, my friend and I offered a hot girl a lift home from campus. I was sitting in the passenger seat and she climbed in behind me. As I adjusted my seat forward to give her more leg room, my friend pulled off - slamming my seat back into her legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 172

You deserved it 4 275

By AsianSweets - 24/03/2014 15:32 - Canada - Ajax

Today, while we were having sex, my boyfriend asked me, "Who's your daddy?" I actually started thinking about my father. Total buzzkill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 740

You deserved it 8 094

AsianSweets tells us more.

AsianSweets 9

Tuesday 25 March 2014 12:20

OP here! Hey guys, so just to clarify, I don't have any daddy issues and I know who my father is lol. It just caught me off guard that my boyfriend asked me that so I thought about it literally first instead of how my boyfriend meant to say it for fun. But either way was a buzzkill.

By pygmalion - 26/09/2009 10:39 - United Kingdom

Today, after the most stressful two weeks of my life, I finally found a few minutes to sit down with a relaxing cup of tea. I went to take a sip, sneezed, smashed the mug into my nose, and dumped scalding hot tea all over my face and cleavage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 639

You deserved it 5 387

By skrumpp - 20/03/2014 16:15

Today, I had a text message when I woke up. I was excited as I usually don't get texts from people. Turns out it was from T-Mobile. They text me more than actual people do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 889

You deserved it 5 142

Useful idiot

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. He said he would have done it two weeks ago but he needed someone to drive him around while his car was getting repaired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 096

You deserved it 4 539

By spenmy - 13/06/2010 09:56 - United States

Today, it was a little colder than it should be for this time of year, and as a result I was using the heater in my car. Apparently within the last four months, a mouse managed to make his way into my heater vent and die. I can not get the smell of death out of my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 306

You deserved it 3 341

By yulis - 30/11/2013 19:21 - United States - Hagerstown

Today, I got pulled over on the highway for going over the speed limit. The cop seemed nice, and I was sure he'd let me off with a warning, until my husband piped up with, "Didn't think you folks came out this far. What, the donut store got shut down or some shit?" I got the ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 475

You deserved it 7 304

Wailing

By katchoo - 03/11/2013 07:34 - Denmark

Today, I had a panic attack when a huge spider ran over my hand. I screamed, wailed, and killed it with a shoe while shouting. Ten minutes later, police slammed on my door. My neighbor called them, saying it sounded like someone was being murdered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 625

You deserved it 8 510

By PWI_addict - 03/01/2010 17:11 - United States

Today, I was making myself lunch. I love cooking, and often, I pretend I'm on the Food Network. I started to slice some tomatoes rapidly, which, turns out, was a big mistake; I sliced my thumb open. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 244

You deserved it 35 602

News to me

By RBEE - 12/12/2009 18:02 - France

Today, my colleague rushed off to the hospital for the birth of his first son. Having met his wife at the Christmas party a couple of years ago, I called to congratulate her. Shame I didn't realize it was his mistress having the baby. Guess who broke the news to the wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 827

You deserved it 4 198

Went a bit too far, Sigmund

By notatherapist - 01/10/2014 23:08 - Netherlands - Huizen

Today, my boyfriend and I were roleplaying therapist and patient in bed. When I playfully asked him what bothered him, he told me his mother hates him and burst into tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 582

You deserved it 6 344

By Shenza - 17/06/2012 12:34 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I am exhausted and can barely move after being up all night taking care of my drunk and vomiting husband. He, on the other hand, feels much better and is bounding with energy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 870

You deserved it 3 026

By Anonymous - 14/10/2009 03:25 - France

Today, I was so bored, I sewed my name into my underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 590

You deserved it 13 905

Bland date

By tomtomcutiepoof - 13/03/2009 00:38 - United States

Today, my best friend set me up on a blind date with someone he said was very hot. I'm not exactly what you call fit, so I haven't been dating lately. As soon as I got to the restaurant, I spotted the girl. She looked me up and down, said, "You have GOT to be kidding me" and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 304

You deserved it 7 650

By poorlyparented - 16/06/2015 12:05 - United States - San Antonio

Today, my coworker decided to give me "the talk". I'm 21 and not a virgin, yet most of what she said was new to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 252

You deserved it 5 744

Check these bad boys out

By Anonymous - 10/09/2009 06:57 - Australia

Today, my co-worker came back from Thailand with big new breasts. She told me to go ahead and touch them because they have a funny texture for the first few months. When our GM entered the room, I had both hands down my co-worker's shirt, agreeing that they were unnaturally firm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 371

You deserved it 40 198

Slipping up

By Noname - 21/02/2009 21:43 - United States

Today, I got an email from my professor with my grade for a paper. It said, "Solid writing, but you should have proofread your final draft more carefully." In a moment of annoyance, I typed in the reply box, "God should have proofread your FACE more carefully." My elbow hit the send button. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 755

You deserved it 68 599

By Anonymous - 11/01/2014 02:25 - United States

Today, after working my shift at McDonalds, I went to clock in at my dispatch job. During a 911 call, I blurted, "Would you like to try the McRib while it's back?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 000

You deserved it 9 627

Turn of phrase

By MiniJeans - 30/04/2015 02:25 - United States - Casselberry

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend for the first time. I moved my leg to wrap it around him and accidentally hit his penis. Without thinking, I said, "Sorry little guy!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 337

You deserved it 12 316

By AbsentMindedGal - 21/12/2013 09:07 - United States

Today, I stopped at the gas station to fill up my tank and get some snacks. I paid the cashier, then got back into my car, totally forgetting to pump the $50 worth of fuel I'd just prepaid for. Too bad I didn't realize until my car came to a sputtering stop about a mile down the road. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 828

You deserved it 22 688

By Anonymous - 19/08/2009 12:11 - United States

Today, my boyfriend didn't come home from a night of drinking with the boys again, so I told him that I was packing my things and I wouldn't be here when he came home. After all my things were packed, I realized he drove my car to the bar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 035

You deserved it 8 995

By razzmataz - 28/01/2009 13:38 - United States

Today, I was discussing my family heritage with my girlfriend's parents. The moment I told them that I came from a German background, her seven-year-old brother pointed at me and yelled, "HITLER!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 014

You deserved it 3 160

By Rae - 30/07/2009 13:56 - United States

Today, I picked up my daughter from the day care but before we left, the babysitter needed to have a talk with me. To fill you in, I got a brand new prius yesterday. Apparently my daughter told eveyone that her mommy got a new penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 478

You deserved it 4 500

By snowman - 06/02/2010 05:12 - United States

Today, right before a huge snowstorm hit our area, I broke up with my girlfriend. In her fury, she decided to grab my car keys and roll down all four windows in my car. I now have 2 feet of half melted snow in my backseat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 029

You deserved it 11 840

Party boy

By Daemon - 27/10/2008 04:57 - France

Today, after a party, I brought a girl to the flat I share with my two best friends. While we are doing it, she asked me, "You're not afraid your friends will hear us?" The only answer that spontaneously came out of my mouth was, "Don't worry, they're used to it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 543

You deserved it 89 303

By Alexismaria - 23/10/2014 20:05 - United States

Today, I walked into the kitchen at the exact moment my uncle decided to bend over in short shorts. Apparently, his ballsack decided it needed extra room, because it dangled out of his pant leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 791

You deserved it 3 290

By nwalsh2009 - 18/12/2009 04:29 - United States

Today, I was changing the oil on my car. I decided to pretend I was delivering a baby as I was removing the oil filter. I got really into it and was screaming things like "I see the head," and when I removed it, I said "Oh, it's a boy!" As I reach for my rag to clean it, I saw my neighbor's boots. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 753

You deserved it 42 845

nwalsh2009 tells us more.

nwalsh2009 0

Friday 15 January 2010 1:46

I would love to deliver your filter sendthesparr. Each oil change is a little miracle in itself.

By kate - 29/04/2009 01:39 - United States

Today, I was eating at Applebees at a high table with bar stools. I was reaching over to get some gum out of mom's purse when my chair flipped out from under me and my soda fell on top of me and got in my ear. To make things worse, the waiter ran over and shouted "I give that one a 10!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 807

You deserved it 8 585

By Dan223 - 01/10/2015 13:26 - United States

Today, I saw my dad for the first time in almost five years, at his funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 632

You deserved it 3 746

By shit.jpg - 25/08/2015 19:22 - United States - Waban

Today, a fifth grader gave me a note from his "father" excusing him from PE. It was riddled with spelling errors and shockingly poor grammar, so I rejected it as a blatant fake. Several hours later, I was informed by his very angry father that it wasn't actually fake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 848

You deserved it 4 054

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The Top

Today, I bought a new phone. It's shock proof, water proof, you name it. Just not kitten proof, it seems. That's $400 down the drain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 252

You deserved it 1 959

Today, I realized that I am so sexually deprived that I get aroused when plugging my headphones into my computer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 624

You deserved it 8 912

Today, I went shopping with my parents. Halfway through, I got separated from them and tried to call them only to find out my cell phone battery was flat. A few minutes later, an announcement was made for a lost child. It was by my parents. I'm 36. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 186

You deserved it 5 221

Today, I was at basketball practice and my coach asked me how my knee was. When I lifted my pants to show him, my cheetah print thong that had been stuck inside the pants from the dryer flew out to the ground. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 085

You deserved it 9 085

Today, I discovered the terrible things my parents say about my wife while visiting them. They speak in Arabic around us and I've never really been able to understand them. Guess who hasn't only brushed up on his Arabic, but spent the last 6 months teaching his wife… FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 026

You deserved it 410

Today, I walked into a café for the first time, and as I opened the door, I slammed it into the face of a poor barista. Embarrassed, I tried to apologize while holding the door open for a woman behind me, only to have my hand slip and the door crash into her as well. I then stood there, frozen, as both of them just stared at me as I apologized with, "I swear I'm not a moron." FML

I agree, your life sucks 399

You deserved it 115