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Welcome!

By Anonymous - 08/01/2011 22:06 - United States

Today, I went to my dad and new stepmom's house for the week. Upon arrival, I was handed mouthwash, deodorant, and lice shampoo. The guest bed I was told I'd be sleeping in was fitted with a plastic mattress cover. I don't have lice and I don't wet the bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 108

You deserved it 2 869

By Anonymous - 22/11/2010 02:51 - United States

Today, I woke up to find that my cat had knocked over a $35 can of powdered baby formula, and there were TWO different colonies of ants warring over the bounty all over the counter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 890

You deserved it 4 174

By Anonymous - 17/09/2014 22:10 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I found out my wife named our son after her ex-lover. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 852

You deserved it 3 397

By spiderfail - 03/07/2012 08:03 - United States - Erie

Today, as I was getting ready to go to the midnight premiere of the new Spiderman movie, I was actually bitten by a spider. He gets super powers and a hot girl, I swell up like a balloon and get to spend the night in the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 531

You deserved it 2 533

Moving day

By Anonymous - 11/09/2015 18:49 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I told to my girlfriend of 5 years that I'm depressed about having no friends, no job and a difficult family life. I told her that she's the one constant that keeps me going. She decided this was a good time to break up with me to "find" herself, since I was being so mopey. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 380

You deserved it 3 854

By SoreNips - 12/04/2013 23:57 - United Kingdom - Brentwood

Today, I was lying in bed with my girlfriend, when she reached over and twisted my nipples to the point of tears. I'm still not sure what in the name of Dawkins I did to deserve that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 505

You deserved it 14 000

Thanks, Dad

By jasonnn - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Australia

Today, I brought a girl home. My dad's first reaction was to pull out the camera and snap away. She now won't reply to my texts or calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 648

You deserved it 2 456

Rare and inventive insult

By fuck you - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I asked the man of my dreams out on a date. His response: "I'd rather eat my own balls." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 680

You deserved it 3 851

By Anonymous - 15/04/2015 17:18 - United States - Birmingham

Today, a few weeks after teaching my dog to fetch my phone and drop it in my lap, he decided to do it spontaneously. Too bad I was in the bath at the time. There goes a $300 phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 214

You deserved it 21 399

By Anonymous - 28/03/2015 17:10 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, my boyfriend thought it'd be romantic to take me to a strip club for our 1-year anniversary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 237

You deserved it 4 223

By Anonymous - 07/12/2012 21:28 - United States

Today, I was out clubbing. My girlfriend went to get us drinks, so I danced alone while I waited. Some girl with hideous meth mouth, who was clearly tripping balls, started harassing and groping me and got all three of us kicked out when my girlfriend returned and beat the hell out of her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 573

You deserved it 3 202

By blaze - 17/02/2010 00:00 - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me a really sweet poem that he wrote for me. I think it was secondhand - the first letter of each verse spelled his ex girlfriend's name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 187

You deserved it 2 457

Peaceful

By kirrby - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I tried to break up with my girlfriend because I feel unappreciated. She fell asleep while I was attempting this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 299

You deserved it 4 638

Just no

By toolegittoquit - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I tried to quit my job. My boss just looked at me and said, "No. You can't quit." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 991

You deserved it 6 896

By Anonymous - 30/12/2009 07:08 - Canada

Today, while taking a shower, I noticed that I had forgotten to shave my pits. I went to a party last night, and there are now several Facebook pictures of me dancing, with my arms up and my hairy pits showing for the world to see. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 696

You deserved it 39 342

Skincare

By frustrated - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - Gosport

Today, everyone at work asked about the awful, twisted wound on my hand. I was too embarrassed to admit to having torn my skin apart with a pair of tweezers while trying to remove a splinter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 142

You deserved it 5 057

Cheat!

By cat lady - 07/01/2016 03:38 - United States - Netcong

Today, I found out the reason why my cat would sometimes go outside for days at a time was because when she would go out, my neighbor would lure her in with cat treats and keep her there for up to 2 days. She's an indoor cat now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 988

You deserved it 2 083

By gettingacat - 17/12/2009 14:32 - United States

Today, I set up a miniature nativity scene in my apartment. Three hours ago, my dog decided it would be a good idea to eat baby Jesus. Two hours ago, the vet laughed and said not to worry because I would 'have him back in time for Christmas'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 881

You deserved it 5 623

Nepotism rules

By SHIIIIITTTT - 10/08/2012 23:16 - United States - Houston

Today, my new boss, the CEO's son, finally showed up for work, three days late and right after lunch break. His first order of business was to call a meeting and scream at everyone for not having a diet latte waiting for him on his desk. God help us all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 234

You deserved it 1 797

Log out

By Anonymous - 29/11/2009 06:31 - United States

Today, my friend accidentally left her Facebook logged onto my computer after she left my house. I looked on her Facebook and found a very long message between her and my other friends talking about how much they hate me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 982

You deserved it 8 632

By blasted - 25/11/2009 13:56 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of almost a year, and to whom I intended to propose on Thanksgiving, dumped me because her husband will be returning from Iraq soon. And he wants to have a "talk" with me. I didn't know she was married. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 333

You deserved it 3 894

By WOWBear - 05/06/2013 09:46 - United States - Mesa

Today, a deaf customer came to my work. In an attempt to connect with him I introduced myself in sign language. He just rolled his eyes and pointed at my name tag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 258

You deserved it 13 221

By NotGay - 16/06/2012 05:45 - United States - Lake Zurich

Today, I decided to motivate myself to workout by looking at a picture of a guy with a six-pack on my computer screen while doing abs. My dad walked in after I finished and was still breathing heavily from working out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 167

You deserved it 7 627

Backfired

By Telemistake - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, a telemarketer called for my dad. Jokingly, I said, "I haven't seen him for like five days… I'm starting to get worried," in my best child-like voice. Apparently the telemarketer called Child Protective Services. I'm 20. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 453

You deserved it 70 228

Betrayed

By Hellosinglelife - 28/03/2013 22:35 - Trinidad and Tobago - Diego Martin

Today, my now ex-girlfriend posted on Facebook that I called her a "fucking bitch". Our mutual friends were all outraged, and demanded that I treat her with respect. What she failed to mention was that I said it after finding out that she's been sleeping with my "best friend" for the past year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 157

You deserved it 3 659

I didn't see you there

By SolaceInRage - 20/03/2013 23:53 - United States - Wilmette

Today, I tossed half a sausage to a dog sitting beside a park bench. It wasn't until he lunged for it and dragged the man beside him off of the bench that I realized it was a seeing eye dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 157

You deserved it 26 953

By Anonymous - 16/07/2010 23:43 - United States

Today, I learned that my mom's laptop was originally my Christmas gift. She opened it and decided she liked it so much she should have it. I got hot rollers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 774

You deserved it 2 741

By justplainsad - 17/09/2009 04:15 - United States

Today, I finally figured out that when a man says, "Maybe some other time, I'll be busy then" more than once, he really means, "I don't really want to see you again. I didn't think you'd actually USE my number." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 351

You deserved it 34 015

By FacebookStrikesAgain - 21/01/2014 23:59 - Puerto Rico - Bayamon

Today, my girlfriend told me the reason why my credit card mysteriously maxed out 2 months ago 'might have been' because she posted a picture of it on Facebook. I ordered a new credit card without the custom picture of us immediately. She broke up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 552

You deserved it 6 141

By OvertonHippie - 13/01/2014 12:09 - United States - Corinth

Today, I found out that whenever my ex-wife is late getting the kids to school, she tells them to tell their teachers they were with me, and forges my name on the sign-in sheet. Missing homework? Dad's house. Forgot to bring something important? Ditto. The school thinks I'm a horrible parent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 065

You deserved it 5 367

OvertonHippie tells us more.

OvertonHippie 16

Monday 13 January 2014 21:25

What she doesn't realize is that in a school with only 180 students, it's impossible to get away with stuff like that. The principal knows what's up, because we dealt with similar issues last year; I just didn't think I was going to have to schedule meetings with the teachers again about it (outside of the regular parent-teacher conferences, which she attends). I *had* kind of noticed the teachers giving me the stink-eye in the car line lately though.

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The Top

The Top

Today, I pulled out a book and my bookmark fell out. My crush picked it up and a weird look came across his face. I then realized I had used toilet paper. Now I'm the girl who reads while taking dumps. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 679

You deserved it 6 800

Today, after spending last year putting in hard work, which paid off and I got my dream job, due to my own mismanagement of stress my dream job is gone and life is back at square one. Now everyone's predictions of me being a waste of space are true and I have to reinvent my life. Starting over at 38 after already starting over at 36. I can't anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 369

You deserved it 151

Today, I decided I was tired of being fat so I started GLP-1. Today I also learned it can cause intractable diarrhea. Today I shit in an emesis bag in my car in a line at my kids' school, so now I’m fat and a shitty mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 284

You deserved it 185

Today, I was sitting in my car outside my apartment complex when a man came around the corner holding something shiny, and I thought was a gun. Thinking I was about to get robbed at gunpoint, I bugged out and threw up. It was a silver watering can. He asked if I was okay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 604

You deserved it 12 865

Today, I received a birthday present from a friend. It was the very same gift I gave to her for Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 066

You deserved it 4 349

Today, for the third night in a row, I got cockblocked by my 10 month-old not sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 267

You deserved it 490