The Top

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By screwwyou - 28/09/2009 01:16 - United States

Today, I was talking and joking with my boyfriend. He said "Hey wanna hear a joke?" I said "Yes." He said, "Our relationship." and walked away. He seriously dumped me through a one-liner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 157

You deserved it 5 143

One Day…

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Australia - Gosford

Today, I paused the movie my girlfriend and I were watching and told her, for the first time, that I loved her. Her response was to stare at me silently for a few seconds before unpausing the film. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 752

You deserved it 7 227

By Kelly - 12/08/2009 18:09 - United States

Today, I heard a girl telling her friend all about her boyfriend, John. They talked about the grocery store that he works at, and that he drives a nice yellow mustang. My boyfriend's name is John, works at that same grocery store, and drives a nice yellow mustang. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 363

You deserved it 3 979

By zitgirl - 14/02/2012 14:14 - United States

Today, after 22 years of perfect skin, I woke up with a bunch of angry zits on my nose. I used a clay face mask that was supposed to dry them out. Instead, they were bigger and green. Today is Valentine's day, I finally have a guy to go out with, and my nose looks like it's rotting off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 851

You deserved it 5 582

By pinkleopleurodon - 09/12/2011 12:23 - United States

Today, after my roommate decided to become a vegetarian, her new food choices are making her pass deadly, nauseating gas all night. We have a busted window that won't open. I'm afraid I may not live to see tomorrow morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 142

You deserved it 2 586

This is me

By EchoDearEcho - 04/02/2010 14:52 - Australia

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents. My mother turned to me and said, "Wait you're actually gay? I thought you were just saying that to piss off your father." I came out to her when I was 16, and have confided in her about my past relationships. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 922

You deserved it 4 804

By crazyt446 - 11/07/2009 15:13 - United States

Today, I called my boyfriend and when he answered, I said the dirtiest thing I could think of to him on the phone. After a long silence, I heard, "Lacey? Is that you?" I accidentally called my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 475

You deserved it 71 707

By I quit - 19/11/2011 00:48 - United States

Today, MS Word kept crashing with a memory error, so I called tech support. Instead of actually fixing the problem, their tech wasted over an hour of my time defragmenting the hard drive, disabling the anti-virus, and downloading new video card drivers from some shady site, before giving up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 216

You deserved it 3 351

Disrespect

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I didn't attend her dog's funeral, and was therefore an insensitive bastard. I couldn't attend because my mum has cancer and I was driving her to a hospital appointment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 602

You deserved it 3 460

Newbie

By Anonymous - 25/11/2010 18:18 - Singapore

Today, while I was having sex with my girlfriend, I was struck with a white-hot pain, and in the confusion thought her vagina had contracted hard. It turned out it was actually my uncircumcised penis retracting for the first time in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 645

You deserved it 7 760

Jealousy

By JLD - 11/10/2010 04:34 - United States

Today, I came home from a four-day trip. Apparently, my cat thought I was gone for good and is now very unhappy that I'm home. I know this because she's been positioning herself between me and my husband all night, and hisses every time I try to touch him. He thinks it's hilarious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 365

You deserved it 5 163

By clitty clitty bang bang - 13/04/2012 22:40 - United States - Brownsville

Today, after two years of vigorously fundraising on behalf of my senior class, they voted on spending the senior trip money at a waterpark. It's less than thirty minutes from where we all live. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 941

You deserved it 2 914

By ohai ur hawt, wanna fuzzzZzZZzzZzz - 04/04/2014 23:20 - Mexico - Mexico

Today, I met a really nice girl at a club, and we went back to my place. I was finally going to lose my virginity, but just as she started kissing me, I panicked and ended up fainting. When I came to, I was still clothed, and she was long gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 570

You deserved it 13 146

By ridella - 08/04/2011 10:35

Today, I was in the emergency room. The doctor told me that my injuries and back problems are the intensity of those after a car accident. I slipped on a grape. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 842

You deserved it 5 474

By gumpy - 25/02/2011 20:37 - United States

Today, I lost a glove while snowboarding. I got off my board to find it, when a bunch of kids took the opportunity to kick my snowboard down the hill, while yelling "Run, Forrest, run!" as I frantically chased after it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 230

You deserved it 4 494

By sleepless - 20/06/2009 05:28 - United States

Today, my insomnia started back up again. It was too late to get something to help me sleep so I was lying there wondering what I should do. I decided to listen to some ambient music. It helped a lot, but when I was about to fall asleep my parents decided to start doing 'it'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 073

You deserved it 2 914

By Alisha - 07/08/2012 18:04 - United States - Fredericksburg

Today, I visited my mother's new apartment, and found a picture of yours truly hanging above her toilet, and I asked why it was there. She shrugged and said, "Because the thought of you makes me want to take a shit?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 194

You deserved it 2 353

By BlueBallMcGee - 11/05/2009 12:08 - United States

Today, I came home from working twelve hours straight. Feeling rather frisky, I attempted to seduce my wife upon arriving home. She said that sleep was better than sex and went directly to bed. It was only 6:30 PM. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 811

You deserved it 7 052

MAKE IT STOP

By Ughh! - 20/02/2013 20:40 - France

Today, the people living below me have been blasting their music so loudly that I can hear every word as clear as day. The people next door think it's my music and feel the need to bang on the wall and blast their music just as loudly in revenge. I have two very important exams tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 051

You deserved it 3 307

By sickmom - 21/01/2014 11:07 - United States - New Orleans

Today, I have the flu. I woke up to my son leaning over me, inches from my face, breathing in deeply. Apparently, he was trying to get sick so he could stay home from school. He's 15. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 647

You deserved it 5 529

By bird - 08/01/2014 20:27 - United States - Fort Gratiot

Today, I learned that my new parakeet hates her reflection, and will screech loudly day and night unless I take the mirror out. My other parakeet loves the mirror and constantly cries out when I remove it. I can't win. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 689

You deserved it 6 161

By Anonymous - 04/01/2014 23:13 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, my boyfriend met my parents. Within minutes, my dad managed to verbally sever his balls and reduce him to tears, "just for fun" apparently. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 732

You deserved it 5 707

Get on with it

By deflated - 09/08/2009 16:54 - Ireland

Today, as my girlfriend was dropping me home, our goodbye kiss got kind of heavy. Still parked in my drive, we had fast, frenzied sex. After, we realised that she had never put the hand brake on and that we had rolled down my drive, blocking my dad who was patiently waiting to pull in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 839

You deserved it 59 862

By Sooz - 03/10/2013 01:18 - Canada - Abbotsford

Today, after 6 months of sex, my boyfriend showered himself with praise for managing, for the first time ever, to stretch the act out to a full minute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 458

You deserved it 5 850

By Anonymous - 04/03/2016 20:22 - United States - Newark

Today, my vegan step-mom found out I ate at McDonald's yesterday. She gave me hell and asked me how it feels to give money to "murderers". All while my dad sat quietly by because he's too whipped to speak his mind. It wasn't even her house a month ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 213

You deserved it 1 735

Small world

By CivE - 25/01/2010 13:32 - United States

Today, I started work as the head engineer for a big civil engineering project. I met the rest of my team, in particular the environmental engineer who I'll need to get along with the most. As it turns out, I took her virginity when we were freshmen in college. She still thinks I'm an asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 022

You deserved it 38 307

By Anonymous - 20/12/2015 08:25

Today, my now ex-fiancée confessed that "our" child is most likely actually hers and my father's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 969

You deserved it 1 674

Bad start

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was running the track at my school. My crush of two years was running in front of me, so I decided to catch up and finally talk to her. When I caught up, the only thing I could think to say was, "What's your name?" even though I already knew. She replied, "Natalie". Her name is Melissa. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 573

You deserved it 7 616

Welcome home!

By Anonymous - 02/07/2012 15:45 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I went to the airport to pick up my long-distance boyfriend. Having waited six months for this, I was stoked. After waiting for three hours and sending numerous messages, I was eventually informed I was a week early. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 837

You deserved it 14 298

By Anoymous - 09/06/2013 06:02 - United States - Burlingame

Today, after telling my mother-in-law about my recent miscarriage, she cheerfully made a cake to celebrate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 690

You deserved it 3 690

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The Top

Today, I missed an important meeting at work because I was vomiting from painful cramps. Just last week I was recommending that everyone get the implant because I hadn't had symptoms in two years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 706

You deserved it 1 389

Today, my dad read that if you pass gas from both ends at the same time it will create a vacuum inside your body and you'll implode. I can't convince him otherwise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 389

You deserved it 1 704

Today, I was playing Charades. My boyfriend, who I'd recently had a fight with, had trouble and just said his answer was the name of my celebrity twin. Nobody got it. He said "Really? It's Fat Bastard." Stunned silence followed, broken by a single "HAH." from my 'best friend'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 964

You deserved it 4 284

Today, I was on the computer in the library on campus. I was Facebook-stalking a really cute girl that I often see on campus. As I'm looking at her profile pictures, I turn around and the girl is standing right behind me. She gave me a disgusted look and walked off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 584

You deserved it 44 907

Today, after being jobless for 2 years, I got a call back for an interview. I was ecstatic until I saw the date. It's the same day I leave for a weeklong, nonrefundable vacation. I applied for the job 6 weeks ago, and since not hearing anything bought the vacation 2 weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 317

You deserved it 1 285

Today, I had a manbaby on a dating app tell me that I should experience more transphobia, because I declined to sleep with him behind his wife's back. Dating as a trans person is hard enough, but WTF, dude? FML

I agree, your life sucks 993

You deserved it 413