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Close shave

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff - Canada - Ottawa

Today, my girlfriend got heartburn. She started freaking out, convinced she was having a heart attack. Five hours and an ambulance later, we finally left the ER with a diagnosis of "too many hot dogs." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 474

You deserved it 594

Strangers suck

By SocietyToday - 27/08/2017 13:00

Today, I was grocery shopping with my older sister. An elderly couple passed, and the man pointed to my sister, saying, "She LOVES to eat." My sister is 7 months pregnant, and I had to spend the next hour comforting her as she bawled her eyes out because of an off-hand comment from a stranger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 127

You deserved it 315

Serves no purpose

By I need cuddles - 26/08/2019 20:00

Spicy

Today, I realized that the only time my boyfriend is physically affectionate with me is when he wants to have sex. When I suggested we just cuddle, he looked at me and said, "What’s the point in that?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 118

You deserved it 370

By Anonymous - 18/09/2017 01:30

Today, I realized that the random string of numbers I deleted in my phone notes a few months ago was actually the pin code to my new bank account. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 236

You deserved it 2 793

By Anonymous - 16/10/2017 23:15

Today, I was blaring the radio to drown out the sound of the kids in the apartment upstairs. They then started jumping in time with the music. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 589

You deserved it 834

Weirdly specific

By Anonymous - 26/10/2019 02:00

Today, I was told by this creeper in my grade who I don't talk to ever that I have the same bra size as Megan Fox. He was right. I have no idea how he knows my bra size. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 730

You deserved it 333

Christmas Watts

By Conflicted as hell - 23/12/2023 09:00 - United States

Today, I’m trying to figure out how to spend Christmas with my wife and kids… and my girlfriend. I’m planning to divorce my wife in January, because doing it on Christmas would hurt them all, but I don’t want my girlfriend to know I’m married or else she’ll leave me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77

You deserved it 2 554

By bamrd - 01/07/2016 01:20 - United States - Boulder

Today, my university is capable of sending me two diplomas in short succession due to a clerical error, but can't recognize that I've graduated and won't be taking classes with them in the fall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 701

You deserved it 905

Coincidence plays tricks on us!

By Shadley Chase Teladia - This FML is from back in 2018 but it's good stuff - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, I finally got to meet the parents of the girl in which I have been dating for 3 months. I discovered that a month before we started dating, I had a one-night stand with her sister. And a week before that, I had a grinding session with her mother at a bar. No one is saying anything and her father is really bulky. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 199

You deserved it 2 275

Hungry

By The gay child - 09/05/2018 19:00

Today, a discussion with my father about what to have for lunch turned into a linguistics lesson, then a bible story, followed by religious anti-gay propaganda, and finally a brief discussion on why my brother would make a terrible military dictator. I still haven't gotten anything for lunch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 979

You deserved it 457

Decisions, decisions

By Anonymous - 14/04/2020 08:00

Spicy

Today, I shoved my tits in my boyfriend's face, but he chose to continue playing Minecraft. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 008

You deserved it 952

WHAT?

By Nohearingornoeating - 17/05/2018 15:00

Today, my brand-new digital hearing aid fell out of my ear as I was walking home from the store. I've retraced my steps, but cannot find it anywhere. It cost $2000, and replacement, like the hearing aid itself, is not covered by insurance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 195

You deserved it 404

Smooth

By Anonymous - 12/04/2020 20:00

Today, I turned 30. I still can't grow any facial hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 591

You deserved it 244

It found you

By Anonymous - 20/04/2020 02:00

Today, a dog came up to me while I was sitting on my porch. I used my belt as a leash to go try to find its owner. After an hour of looking in the rain, I gave up and let it go. Now I'm back in my house and it won't stop pawing and barking at my door. It's 3:00 a.m. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 271

You deserved it 1 241

No health allowed!

By Eat that whiskey steak or else! - 01/07/2018 20:30 - Spain - M?laga

Today, I came back home from uni for the first time in 9 months. Since I started living on my own, I gave up all alcohol, sodas, and animal products. My family was so eager to see me that even cousins and uncles were there. For the "intervention". FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 281

You deserved it 522

Goddamn it

By Kaluhaluha - 25/08/2018 13:00

Today, I came back from a 700-mile round trip. I hit a massive pothole I couldn't avoid and blew out a tire and bent my rim. I was less than a mile from my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 661

You deserved it 234

Little fella

By littlefella - 04/02/2017 22:00 - United States - Novato

Spicy

Today, I was taking a piss when a old lady somehow managed to wander in. She blushed, chuckled and apologized, "Sorry, little fella!" before leaving. I don't know what size she was commenting on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 268

You deserved it 849

What the hell

By paula.isabel - 09/09/2018 20:30

Today, I was in a car crash. While I was being immobilised by the paramedics to be taken to the nearest hospital, the passenger of the other car, who didn't have a single scratch, touched my shoulder and said, "It doesn't matter, nobody got hurt." FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 281

You deserved it 185

Bad idea

By Anonymous - 29/06/2024 22:00 - United States - Herndon

Today, I went on a first date with a guy. It’s a little awkward so I went to the bathroom to do two bumps of coke, came back to the table, and realized it was ketamine. I didn’t tell him, but I was so fucked up, he offered to get me an Uber home but I told him I called my mom to pick me up instead. He left and unmatched me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47

You deserved it 1 868

By Dgama - 17/11/2018 22:00 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I went to see my new boyfriend play in a band. I found out that groupies don't like even bass players having girlfriends. I was attacked by one because he smiled at me from the stage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 686

You deserved it 173

By master6 - 21/12/2018 04:00

Today, I was pulling in to my work parking lot gate, accidentally hit the accelerator instead of the brake pedal, ran through the gate arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 733

You deserved it 1 316

Ewwwwwwww

By Warriorwizzle - 14/12/2018 22:00 - Vietnam - Hanoi

Today, I had to move down to the third floor because after complaining about rats on my rooftop the landlord put down traps. The rats died. Flies came. The flies laid eggs. The eggs birthed maggots. The maggots rained down from my broken ceiling into my bed and all over my floor. I'm not okay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 125

You deserved it 240

By k.k. - 05/02/2017 20:00 - United States - Seymour

Today, I left 20 minutes early for school to get a good seat in class. I sat in traffic for 20 minutes before I even got on the thruway and for another 25 minutes once I got off the exit for school. Then I couldn't find parking at my university. I missed class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 959

You deserved it 808

By Wtf - 10/02/2017 22:00 - United States - Peoria

Today, I was asked to babysit for a family that attends the daycare I work at. All of my coworkers warned me that they were rough kids but I shrugged it off. As soon as the parents left, the 7-year-old girl said, "Oh good now I can focus on death and my plans". FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 977

You deserved it 838

By killingmyselfimmediately - 07/01/2019 20:00

Today, I had the flu and couldn't go to school. My dad called in and told them that I couldn't be there because I have an itchy anus. Not only that, but my birthday's tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 563

You deserved it 235

By unicornlovet - 24/02/2019 00:00 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I filled in for my absent pregnant co-worker like I have done since she went on disability a month ago, at the job I’ve been doing for 15 months. Today the replacement they hired also came to work, and I had to train her since she has more experience and got the maternity leave position over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 015

You deserved it 238

Get back here!

By frenchie12 - 24/03/2019 02:00

Spicy

Today, I hooked up with a girl. The condom fell off when I pulled out. When the girl left, I couldn't find it. I saw my roommate cat's with it, so I chased him and he escaped. My roommate now wants to kill me. She found the condom on her bed and doesn't believe me. I might have to move out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 510

You deserved it 592

By racello13 - 30/03/2017 11:27

Today, after keeping myself awake coughing for 2 hours, I finally drifted off. My cat apparently thought I'd died, and gave me CPR. Now I have claw marks on my chest, and I'm still awake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 813

You deserved it 481

racello13 tells us more.

racello13 32

Thursday 30 March 2017 1:04

Hey, this is mine! The whole time I've been sick, said cat has been sleeping on my chest/face. Can't cough if you can't breathe, right?

By Rachel Todd - 06/04/2017 14:29

Today, I worked for 9 hours, walking up and down stairs and surviving. I get off work, come home, pour a glass of wine, and manage to fall down a small staircase in my house, spilling the wine everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 994

You deserved it 752

Rachel Todd tells us more.

Rachel Todd 9

Thursday 6 April 2017 11:22

Hey everyone! Let me explain a little bit more of what happened up to the fall. I work in Hollywood, and for a show I was working on, they wanted people running up and down stairs because something happened (can't go into detail due to privacy for the show). Working in Hollywood can create crazy long hours, 9 hours being a "short day". So it being a night shoot, and pretending to run for my life, and being freezing cold, I wanted a glass of wine at 4am when I got home. As my mom said "you really need to start getting injured on the clock.. " haha

Dumbass

By foxytheologian - 15/04/2017 02:00

Today, I was hit by an unmanned semi truck that rolled down an embankment onto the highway. I'm fine, but the entire left side of my car is smashed in. The idiot responsible had to be dragged down the hill by the cops. Apparently, he was peeing and forgot to put the parking brake on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 441

You deserved it 315

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The Top

The Top

Today, while at the airport with a cast on my leg, I fell backwards onto my suitcase. My family was too busy to notice my squirming as I tried to get up, so a kind woman awkwardly helped me off the ground. Later on, I found out my dad saw me but thought someone would help me "soon enough." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 784

You deserved it 954

Today, I got a warning for not covering a shift, on my day off, for someone who didn't want to go to work. Apparently the next time I “do something wrong", I'll either get warned again or fired, whichever they feel like doing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 025

You deserved it 1 039

Today, I was looking in the refrigerator for something to drink. I found a jug of lemonade with a piece of paper on it saying "Mom's Lemonade, Don't Drink!" I was really thirsty, so I ignored it and drank the whole jug. My mom is about to have a colonoscopy and had filled it with laxatives. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 411

You deserved it 147 213

Today, I was in the library when police arrested me for threatening people. The librarian even told them I did nothing wrong, and that the actual girl they wanted had already left. They took me in anyway. My dad sided with the police and let me “think about what I did” in jail overnight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 939

You deserved it 91

Today, I had unprotected sex with my 63 year-old friend. I’ve been told I would have trouble ever conceiving naturally. Now he’s worried I'm pregnant. It wouldn’t be so bad if his we weren’t both married. Here’s to hoping I’m not, and if so this baby comes out with brown eyes like mine and my husband's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 95

You deserved it 1 117

Today, it's been three months since I had a GI virus. In this time, all the tests I've done so far came out negative at the doctor's. I've changed my diet, haven't drank alcohol, nor was I a habitual drinker. The bouts of nausea and vomiting keep coming back on random days. I cannot get the right amount of nutrients. FML

I agree, your life sucks 449

You deserved it 63