Weird

Fuzzy logic

By Anonymous - 21/02/2022 14:00

Today, I arrived home and it was freezing. I asked why the windows and doors on the terrace were open and my roommate told me it was because she'd mopped the floor… on the terrace. The terrace that's outdoors. She thinks that this way the floor would dry faster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 974

You deserved it 105

Parasocial relationship

By Having some mental health issues - 17/02/2022 02:00

Today, I’m so lonely and sick of living that I wish my fictional comfort character was real, only so someone would hug me and tell me I’ll be okay, even if they were lying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 976

You deserved it 191

Freaked out

By bby - 16/02/2022 14:00

Today, I was at Walmart and I asked an employee for help. She turned around with tears streaming down her face and said, “I'm kind of in the middle of an emergency right now!” FML

I agree, your life sucks 882

You deserved it 243

Strong bond

By you’re still a bad mom! - 14/02/2022 00:01

Today, my mom called, crying that my sister had dropped her kids off on my mom’s doorstep with no intention of coming back for them. I called and screamed at my sister, who then called my brother, who screamed at me for making my sister cry. All of this because her new boyfriend doesn’t like her kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 783

You deserved it 128

Anatomy lesson

By Anonymous - 13/02/2022 06:00

Today, my mom lost her shit because I was teaching my daughter about tampons. Apparently, they were created by radical feminists to trick women into “stealing” their own virginities, in order to make them unsuitable brides for decent men. I can’t believe I came out of this repressed psycho. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 738

You deserved it 153

Cool your boots

By Milky Ilky - 10/02/2022 14:00

Today, my sister started lactating through her shirt post-breastfeeding at a family brunch. My husband, who gets turned on by pregnant women since he gets the most action during my pregnancies, visibly ogled her at the table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 038

You deserved it 740

Alpha

By Anonymous - 09/02/2022 18:01

Today, both my dad and boyfriend are serious weightlifters, plus my dad boxed in the army, and my boyfriend is a mixed martial artist. Ever since they met, they've been circling each other like bears in the forest trying to work out which is bigger and meaner before the fight even begins. They're both so childish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 082

You deserved it 297

Booze-fuelled family drama

By Anonymous - 08/02/2022 11:59

Today, I found out that the man I called grandpa for 40 years is really my dad. My drunk aunt spilled the beans. Her exact words were, "My dad is a better dad to you than he EVER was to me! You never wondered why he treated you better than his other grandchildren? You're his son!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 176

You deserved it 96

Imprinting

By Anonymous - 08/02/2022 09:59

Today, the best friend I grew up with since primary school, who helped me be a single mom to my son, helping with bottle feeds, nappy changing and so on, has been shagging him since he turned 20. They’re getting married next year, despite the 24-year age gap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 363

You deserved it 137

Leave me alone, freak

By snow vixen - 07/02/2022 16:01 - United States - Chicago

Today, I got slut-shamed by a guy in a 7-Eleven for having a face tattoo. A.) It's a birthmark; B.) I'm 15 and look it; C.) This happens a lot, and D.) I was wearing a full body winter coat and all he could see was my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 119

You deserved it 128

Gullible

By Anonymous - 07/02/2022 11:59

Today, I caught my 12 year-old seconds away from dripping bleach in his eye. Apparently “someone online” told him it scars the pupil red permanently, like a devil's eye, and he believed them. I’m shutting off the internet permanently, I can't handle his level of stupidity anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 218

You deserved it 196

Thunderbolt of lightning, very very frightening

By worst boss ever - 06/02/2022 10:01

Today, one of my employees called in because he “got struck by lightning.” I told him that’s the dumbest excuse I’ve ever heard, and he’d better get his ass to work. Turns out he really did get struck by lightning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 232

You deserved it 1 692

Fundies do the darndest things

By Leah - 04/02/2022 00:01 - United States - Queens Village

Today, my home health aide doused me with what she considered to be Holy Water. It was bottled water. Turns out she was having a meltdown. It's a freezing day in New York City. FML

I agree, your life sucks 786

You deserved it 105

That's that then

By how bout no! - 31/01/2022 08:00

Today, the guy I’ve been seeing said he wanted us to get serious, but first we had to get his wife’s approval. Already taken aback by this, he further explained that his wife died years ago and he wanted me to go to her gravesite with a psychic so we could get her blessing via seance. Check please! FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 408

You deserved it 178

Getting some

By Anonymous - 28/01/2022 02:01

Today, a female coworker kissed me so I reported it to my boss, but he told me I should take the compliment, and asked me why the hell I was complaining about "getting some." I’m a guy, but I’m sure if I was a woman and I’d had a kiss forced on me, it would be a huge issue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 950

You deserved it 225

Babe 3: Pig on the phone

By Anonymous - 27/01/2022 23:00 - United States - Stephenville

Today, I accidentally called my Dad “Babe” on the phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 459

You deserved it 749

Fight Club

By Anonymous - 27/01/2022 14:01

Today, my sons are such idiots that they had a blazing punch-up that put both of them in hospital, all because one of them stole the last cigarette from a packet. Never mind they both have their own cigarettes, but for some reason the theft of this one cigarette was the last straw that lead to a punch up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 823

You deserved it 323

Stalkerish

By creepingjennie - 23/01/2022 23:01

Today, I discovered my ex has been signing my email up for various newsletters. I knew I was getting a lot of spam, but didn't know why. It became apparent when one of these emails had his name in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 002

You deserved it 113

Nice try

By Anonymous - 23/01/2022 14:00 - Philippines

Today, I got drunk until morning at a college friend's apartment with bunch of strangers. Some officials came in due to the noise and I tried to scare them away by pretending to sing a latin song of worship I made up, thinking they'd respect the gathering if it was a religious one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 196

You deserved it 1 506

BREAKING NEWS

By Anonymous - 23/01/2022 06:00 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I got to find out via a news article that Tucker Carlson apparently wants to do the Green M&M cartoon from the commercials. I didn't need to know this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 761

You deserved it 347

Big brained

By TiredTeacher95 - 22/01/2022 19:59

Today, I had to call poison control on one of my students, because they decided to drink a half a bottle of hand sanitizer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 229

You deserved it 105

Testing testing

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Hood River

Today, one of my friends asked me to flirt with her boyfriend to see if he would flirt back. Knowing this was a trust test, I agreed. She got pissed at me when he flirted back and still isn't speaking to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 831

You deserved it 5 582

Joe's at it again

By bourneenemy - 19/01/2022 20:01 - United States - Pico Rivera

Today, same as recently, there's some guy constantly standing in front of my building waiting for me to come out, just to stare at me and then get mad when I walk to my car, to the store, to the bank, and even followed me into the lobby to see what floor I get off at, like a weirdo. What should I do? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 313

You deserved it 156

Disney food for thought

By Anonymous - 18/01/2022 19:59

Today, as part of his quest to annoy me, my husband pointed out that for every Disney movie I love, it was someone on the animating team's job to animate the boob jiggle physics, as in it was literally their job to animate how the breasts of Ariel, Elsa and Belle move. So many movies ruined. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 035

You deserved it 484

Jailbait

By Riotxxo - 18/01/2022 16:58

Today, after confessing to my 16 year-old sister that I was only into guys younger than me, she said that was OK because she was attracted to guys in their late 40's and that an age gap was not that much of a big deal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 914

You deserved it 357

Relevant to my interests

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my maths class and I had to sit through a slideshow of photos of our teacher's cat. The cat's name is Mr Cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 567

You deserved it 4 270

You're so vain…

By Anonymous - 17/01/2022 05:01

Today, my girlfriend of two years took offense to a "That's what she said joke", and blew up, saying she doesn't like those jokes. She thinks that she is the "She" of the jokes every time I guess. I tried explaining how the jokes work, but she wouldn't believe me. She says that I'm just lying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 141

You deserved it 414

Gaslighting

By Anonymous - 16/01/2022 11:01

Today, after I found out that my new partner was messaging her ex, and she hid it from me, lied about it, and made out I was seeing things, we got over it, because after all I thought it was an innocent enough explanation and I believed her, she has now been doing it again with another ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 967

You deserved it 433

Bit harsh

By Anonymous - 15/01/2022 23:01

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 288

You deserved it 2 067

Freaked out

By Anonymous - 14/01/2022 23:01

Today, just like every morning, I had to make myself throw up all the acid in my stomach just to make room for a little bit of food. No doctor can fix my problem, and my family still thinks I’m doing it to lose weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 138

You deserved it 153

FML on Facebook

Keywords

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The Top

Today, I was waiting in line while a lady paid for her shopping, when her credit card got declined. She started ranting and insulting everyone and kept insisting: "I'm not poor!" By the time the lady had finally stormed off, I had spittle on my face, and the cashier was almost in tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 177

You deserved it 2 649

Today, I found my 6 year-old daughter upstairs, lying on the floor with scissors. She was giving, "the carpet a haircut." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 334

You deserved it 5 396

Today, my teenage son called me at work and started screaming abuse at me. He told me how he never wants to see me again and hopes I die a gruesome death. Why does he feel this way? I beat his high score on Bejewelled 2. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 656

You deserved it 8 658

Today, one of my co-workers, who I secretly hate, announced she and her husband were expecting. She's rather big. Without thinking, I said, "How did he manage to find your vag under those fat rolls?" I got placed on suspension and now have to attend a training on sexual harassment in the workplace. FML

I agree, your life sucks 313

You deserved it 3 980

Today, it might be the day I ask my wife to peg me. Hope it goes well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 382

You deserved it 1 299

Today, my dumbass cat won't stop screaming and whining at me because I won't let him go outside. It's winter, and this is the Midwest. He did this without my knowledge once before and had almost frozen to death by the time I figured out where he was. Also, he's too loud for earplugs to drown him out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 367

You deserved it 130