Intimacy

Timing

By embarrassed - 01/06/2009 20:11 - United States

Spicy

Today, I went to my doctor to get the morning after pill. I explained to her that the condom broke and I was nervous. She simply asked me, "When?" so I replied "Towards the end." I didn't realize she was actually asking what day this happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 651

You deserved it 65 203

By Anonymous - 13/01/2011 21:10 - Lebanon

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my fiancé when he stopped and said, "Boy, what I wouldn't give for a burger right now." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 420

You deserved it 5 006

By Anonymous - 23/01/2018 15:00

Spicy

Today, my husband has had a low sex drive for a while now. I've been trying all sorts of things to pique his desire. Turns out that a conversation about Neil deGrasse Tyson was all I ever needed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 614

You deserved it 575

By fungettingdressed - 12/10/2010 12:57 - United States

Spicy

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, my fingers got stuck between the wall and headboard. Screaming, he thought I was enjoying the sex and kept going even harder. I have 3 broken fingers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 994

You deserved it 9 102

I did not consent to this under my roof

By CatBlock - 31/01/2014 06:16 - United States - Decatur

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. As we were getting into it, his cat came into the room, sat, and stared us down with what looked like disapproving eyes. After 5 minutes had gone by, we stopped completely. A cat just cockblocked me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 379

You deserved it 8 022

The rhythm method

By Anonymous - 05/07/2022 18:00

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend has two speeds in bed: so slow that it’s just not exciting for me, or so hard and fast, I can’t physically keep up and it starts to hurt. We’ve discussed our different needs a bunch, but so we’ve had sex every night this week and I only orgasmed once, masturbating in the shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 192

You deserved it 282

Thanks Mom

By Enko - 09/11/2008 07:43 - France

Spicy

Today, my mum was watching a program about sexually transmitted diseases. Later on, she started telling me that I should be careful and use the right protection when having sex. Suddenly she stopped and said, "Actually, I don’t know why I’m telling you this, you don’t have a boyfriend!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 630

You deserved it 5 255

By lez probs - 18/05/2013 12:54 - United States

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I were about to have sex for the first time when her mother unexpectedly came home. In the rush to get dressed, we accidentally put on each other's shirts. Her mom noticed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 555

You deserved it 21 758

How could you?

By Anonymous - 23/08/2013 23:30 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend dumped me for "cheating" on him by using a vibrator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 604

You deserved it 17 241

Our little secret

By Anonymous - 16/12/2022 12:00

Spicy

Today, I found out that the “stranger” I’ve been confessing my kinky, dark, and disgusting fantasies to online is a friend from high school, who figured out it was me by the third sentence. Now I'm praying she has a heart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 622

You deserved it 1 438

By lonelyinlondon - 21/08/2009 02:06 - Canada

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend threw me a going-away party. During the party, I caught him in my bedroom hooking up with my friend because "you're leaving soon anyway so it doesn't matter." I'll only be gone for 6 weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 870

You deserved it 3 348

By Laura - 17/09/2010 00:35 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend of three years decided it was finally time to have sex. After we did, he told me that he was sleeping with another girl. He wanted to have sex with me to see who was better. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 827

You deserved it 6 238

Good question

By Anonymous - 17/10/2024 05:00 - United States - San Diego

Spicy

Today, my six year-old son asked me, "Dad, what's a glory hole?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 526

You deserved it 136

Alexa, play "Love in a Car" by The House of Love

By manymisfortunes - 04/10/2014 05:43 - Canada - Lachine

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have a quickie in the car. We had left a window open so it wasn't too hot, and I was holding onto the edge of the window, fingers hanging over. In the midst of it all, my boyfriend managed to close the window by hitting the button. My finger is broken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 213

You deserved it 12 556

Ouch

By Jackmeister - 03/11/2018 03:00

Spicy

Today, I jacked off in the shower using soap with scrubbing beads in it. My penis is so chaffed, it hurts to put on pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 356

You deserved it 7 406

By CityBoysNow - 11/09/2013 00:14 - United States - Lake Saint Louis

Spicy

Today, I hooked up with the guy I've liked for a while, even though my friends joked that his large pickup truck meant that he was "compensating" for having a small penis. They were right. Very right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 648

You deserved it 13 285

By Angel1000168 - 27/03/2011 08:37 - Australia

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me. I would be ecstatic if he hadn't stuck the ring on his balls and asked for a blow-job. He even confessed that the original plan was to stick it on his penis but it was too small. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 821

You deserved it 6 236

Angel1000168 tells us more.

Angel1000168 16

Monday 16 May 2011 5:45

Ok, guys, OP here. In answer to all the questions/statements about which was smaller, it was the ring. Sorry for not making that clear. And he didn't stink the ring around his balls, he sticky-taped it. My fingers are not that big. Sorry about not making that clear either but the limited words made that tricky. I said no, of course, as I don't want a man that thinks I have that sort of mind or personality. I have gone through every aspect of my relationship with that man and haven't found anything that suggested that I wanted to be proposed to in that manner. Thanks for all your advice!

By rochellamaya - 02/09/2011 12:47 - Canada

Spicy

Today, working as a nurse, I asked a 61-year-old patient if he did any physical activity. His reply was, "Well, I do masturbate a lot". He then went on to describe the various techniques he uses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 345

You deserved it 4 285

Message in a mattress

By FASHlONABLE - 05/04/2010 07:32 - United States

Spicy

Today, I came back from a week long class trip. My mother took it upon herself to replace my bed sheets and clean my room. Apparently, she found a note under my mattress from my ex-boyfriend. It said "For all you future dudes, Connor was here first!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 346

You deserved it 10 035

By mo - 19/12/2011 07:55 - United States

Spicy

Today, my mother told me I looked like a hooker in my wedding dress. Thanks mommy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 910

You deserved it 7 169

Pervs, pervs everywhere

By Anonymous - 11/08/2012 10:33 - United Kingdom - London

Spicy

Today, I was on the bus when I felt a big yawn coming on, one so big that my mouth stretched and my eyes closed. It was at this point that the strange man beside me decided to lean over at lightning speed and put his tongue in my mouth. Technically it was my first kiss. I'm 21 years-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 344

You deserved it 5 549

Quickie

By cantgetitupcantgetiton - 14/01/2010 01:02 - United States

Spicy

Today, I realized that the amount of time it takes my boyfriend to get an erection takes longer than the actual sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 453

You deserved it 3 246

By Dildno - 10/12/2016 08:48 - United States - Worcester

Today, I was using my iPad for a presentation. I locked it and left it connected to the projector while I prepared to present. When I turned around to begin, I realized there had been a push notification from Groupon asking if I was still interested in a dildo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 285

You deserved it 3 690

Sexy talk

By aur - 12/11/2008 08:10 - France

Spicy

Today, I spent my first night with my English boyfriend. I'm French, and when we woke up, I said in my most sexy voice, "Oh, I'm so dirty!" It's only when he left that I finally understood the look on his face; I wanted to have a glass of water. I was thirsty, not dirty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 874

You deserved it 8 007

By Anonymous - 06/12/2011 06:45 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I found that when a hot girl asks you whether you have a girlfriend, saying, "I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one" is not the best way to proceed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 066

You deserved it 76 144

Hook up

By jo - 20/02/2010 10:47 - United States

Spicy

Today, I finally got to hook up with this hot guy I'd been talking to for a few weeks. To my surprise, he was sinfully drunk when he arrived. As we were going at it, he shat on my white carpet. Now the phrase "f***ing the shit out of someone" has a brand new meaning for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 544

You deserved it 6 117

Distance makes the heart…

By Anonymous - 03/07/2023 18:02 - United States - Fort Drum

Spicy

Today, I'm over a 1000 miles away from my wife, and she's so upset and angry with me that she doesn't want me to touch her anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 743

You deserved it 225

Let's get it on

By Frank - 17/08/2011 06:50 - United States

Spicy

Today, I came home from work tired and horny, and asked my girlfriend if she wanted to go make love. While all she had done all day is lay on the couch and watch television, she said, "I'm too tired, why don't you just go into the bathroom and grab a quick wank." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 121

You deserved it 6 481

Kinda heartless, but OK

By Anonymous - 30/06/2021 16:01

Spicy

Today, it’s been almost a month and a half of no intimacy between my boyfriend and me. To spice things up, I started going down on him. He burst out crying after a couple of minutes because he "misses his sister." The funeral was nearly 2 months ago already. FML

I agree, your life sucks 452

You deserved it 3 240

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FML on Facebook

Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Suspicious Sex Intimacy Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

The Top

The Top

Today, my grandfather proudly informed me that the dump he'd just took looked like a tiger claw. He announced this during dinner, and told us not to flush it until he could take a picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 757

You deserved it 2 150

Today, I was on my grandparents' computer looking for my old high school resume. I came across a word document titled "Experiences". Thinking it was part of my resume, I opened it up and started reading. It was a brief, yet explicit record of my grandfather's recent sexual frustrations. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 521

You deserved it 5 451

Today, while eating at my college cafeteria, I started thinking about all the awful crap going on in my life right now, and I started sobbing. Some guy at another table started snickering at me, at which point the guy I like said, "Give her a break. If I was as fuck-ugly as her, I'd be crying too." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 914

You deserved it 2 734

Today, I gave a man a cigarette. He spent the rest of the day so far following me around, telling me all about his medical history, and chasing after me when I got too far away. I couldn't get rid of him for hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 694

You deserved it 8 094

Today, my mother was transferred from the hospital to a long-term care facility. Nobody I talk to at the hospital knows what facility they sent her to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 766

You deserved it 223

Today, I was snuggling with my neighbors four week old kitten while babysitting their kids. I fell asleep, rolled over, and woke up next to a dead kitten. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 822

You deserved it 58 186