gar2014

Nearly home

Today, I thought my water had broken. I'd actually just peed myself when the baby moved. FML

Today, my extremely OCD girlfriend wouldn't have sex with me because my bedroom wasn't "properly symmetrical." FML

Today, I was eating ice cream and I noticed some on my jeans so I wiped it off with my finger and licked it. It was bird shit. FML

Good vibrations

Today, I was riding on the back of my dad's motorcycle. After a few minutes, the vibrations from the engine became way too much for me and I couldn't control myself. I had such an intense orgasm, sitting right behind my father, with my arms around his waist. FML

Today, I realized my family is the textbook definition of redneck after listening to my grandpa threaten to smash with an excavator the trailer that my uncle lives in behind our house if he didn't return the set of tires he had stolen and pawned from my grandpa's garage. FML