jerredhair

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend and as I pulled out to finish I slipped and ended up punching her in the stomach, I came while she was writhing in pain. FML

Classy

Today, I was at my ex-girlfriend's house, who I still have a major crush on. After cuddling as we watched a movie, she began to show me several pictures she had taken on her phone, and asked which ones I liked the best. She then sent the pictures I had chosen, to a guy she had met a week ago. FML

Today, I got back to my apartment from being away for the past week on Spring break. I found the locks on my apartment changed and all my things on the curb, many of them broken or stolen. I ran to the leasing office to see what had happened. Turns out it was an accounting error on their part. FML

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

Today, I bought a parakeet for my kids. When I got home and presented it to them, they wanted to let him fly around inside. We went around the house making sure all the windows and doors were shut. Unfortunately I forgot to turn off the ceiling fan. FML

Today, after work I went to the parking lot to my car to go home. I found my car doors heavily scratched and all my tires cut, with a note on my windshield. The note read, "F*** you, Jackson." I'm Tyler. Jackson is my co-worker. FML

Today, I was on a webcam with my friend. We were joking around so I stood up and flashed her. Her grandma choose that second to walk past and look at the screen. Her grandma now thinks we're lesbians and that I'm a whore. FML

Nobody's fooled

Today, I was completely naked in my boyfriend's bed. Suddenly his mom yelled that she was coming in so that she could get to the attic. I pulled a blanket up to my neck, hoping she would think I was just cold. She had to step over my bra and panties on her way to the attic. FML

Today, I awoke to the sound of my dad knocking on my dorm room door for a surprise visit. He's barely outside the door and I pull the door open and say hey, when my roommate strips naked pulls the door open, kisses me on the cheek, says in an uber-gay voice, "Thanks for last night", and leaves. FML

Caught in 4K

Today, my parents were out so I invited my girlfriend over. It was the afternoon, and things started to heat up. We were having sex, and I was about to finish. Then I looked through the window, to see a construction worker (who was fixing the house next to mine) giving me a thumbs up. He's her dad. FML