deviant96

Today, I told my students that I would be absent tomorrow because my wife was giving birth. They burst into applause... not to congratulate me on the new baby. FML

Wanking yourself to death

Today, I had an asthma attack because I was masturbating too vigorously. FML

Today, I had to take a dump in a box for a stool test. FML

Today, I was caught stealing a video game. I realized after my parents were called that the case was actually empty. FML