Today, I went on a date with a guy I met online. While cuddling on the couch, he asked me for a blow job. I refused. He said, "But I thought big girls liked doing that." FML
Today, I got dumped because I was on my period. Apparently he was pissed because I have one "like, every single month." FML
Today, the snowblower found my lost phone. FML
Today, my wife figured that a good foreplay move would be to rub MY underwear in MY face. FML
Today, I came home to find that all my porn magazines had been "censored" with a black sharpie. FML
Today, my mom decided to only speak to me through our pet cat. FML
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