The Top

I usually handle smaller spiders okay unless they surprise me, but these guys were big. This happened at about 1 am last night and my housemate was asleep, so a vacuum was not an option. I did use big spray. In fact, I nailed the first one three times and it shrugged it off like a BAMF (it was a Texan spider, after all). I actually already have a cat - two, in fact. They were very interested in the spiders, but I didn't want them to get bitten, so I didn't let them get close enough to attack. I finally got the first one in a cup with a lid and filled that sucker up with the bug spray. That worked! Then I saw the second one and about died, myself. It ended up under a cup eventually, too, and met Mr. Shoe. Thanks for the suggestions, though - they made me laugh!

By oops123 - 16/07/2012 14:38 - United States

Today, my neighbors are moving. As we were saying our goodbyes, their 12-year-old son approached and thanked me for the times I forgot to shut the blinds and he watched me change. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 258

You deserved it 29 395

Milkmaid

By Heifer - 16/05/2009 21:41 - United States

Today, when done feeding my newborn, I stated to my husband that I'm a cow. He said, in a sincere tone, "Oh, baby, you'll lose the weight soon." I meant cow because I'm producing so much milk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 973

You deserved it 21 353

This week's illustrated FML

By soooglam - 12/11/2015 02:35 - France

Today, I announced my pregnancy to my boss. I was expecting all sorts of reactions, except, "But... Erm... How did that happen?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 585

You deserved it 63

By notacreep - 16/05/2009 08:39 - United States

Today, I was at the mall with my girlfriend's family. Her 7 year old brother told me he was feeling sad, so I tried to give him a pat on the back, but it turns out he had a bruise there. He yelled out "don't touch me there!" In the middle of the mall. Now her parents think I'm a pedophile. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 232

You deserved it 4 079

Jealousy

By jake - 10/01/2021 18:02 - United States - Denver

Today, my girlfriend demanded that I delete all my female contacts or she’d set my stuff on fire. Yes, that includes my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 115

You deserved it 263

By nurse - 03/11/2010 12:08 - Reserved

Today, I'm training to be a nurse in a hospital. Our teacher asked for a volunteer to demonstrate how bed restraints work. After I was shackled to the bed she said, "Now let's make sure they work. Are you ticklish?" My entire class tickled me until I screamed, cried and nearly wet my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 607

You deserved it 5 463

You're at home here

By Anonymous - 15/04/2022 13:00 - Ireland - Clonmel

Today, after years of struggling with poor mental health, my depression convinced me that no one would ever care enough about me to help if I reached out. I called the local suicide hotline anyway. They didn’t answer. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 171

You deserved it 136

By chaos2007 - 13/05/2009 05:11 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. After a day out partying, I came home to find all my stuff smashed in the yard, even my 42" plasma TV. After asking my girlfriend what her problem was, she said a "slut" left a message on the machine stating how fun last night was. It turned out to be my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 91 314

You deserved it 5 127

By Anonymous - 10/05/2019 16:00

Today, the guy I've been talking to for two months told me he hooked up with a girl last night, before blocking me on everything. I also was with him last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 911

You deserved it 204

By Foosa801 - 25/12/2016 23:08 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I woke up my friend and had him take me to the ER. I had trouble breathing and my chest hurt, so the doctor put me on an EKG and took X-rays. I had strained my chest lifting weights at the gym earlier that day and pulled a muscle, and now thanks to my massive anxiety I have a $700 hospital bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 351

You deserved it 1 969

Lost

By frenchienyx - 13/05/2019 00:00

Today, I was in Brooklyn for a meeting. I parked my car but my iPhone didn’t save my location. Where is my car? Called NYPD. No car towed. I had to walk 3 hours in the rain to find it thanks to the “Panic” button. So glad I found my car, but the “Loud Panic” button didn’t want to stop for an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 006

You deserved it 2 115

Welcome to a movie from 1953

By Anonymous - 26/04/2022 16:00

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he wanted to be in the room whilst I gave birth. He offered to wait in the waiting room, but only if I gave birth on a weekend, and if it was a weekday he’d be too busy at work. I reproduced with this guy, and this isn’t the meanest thing he’s ever said to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 617

You deserved it 1 298

There's a time and a place

By JSF1234 - 11/05/2009 17:07 - United States

Today, I was taking the AP Biology exam. It’s strictly timed, yet my proctor spent 30 minutes (a third of the time we have) talking about his sexual relationship with his wife, who was also proctoring. I don’t know how I did on the test, but I now know my proctor had erectile dysfunction. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 271

You deserved it 3 543

The Other Woman

By Anonymous - 27/01/2021 14:01

Today, I found out that my boyfriend’s other girlfriend is pregnant. He doesn’t know that I know. A few days ago he told me that he couldn't have a baby with anyone. She has to be the right one, I guess I wasn’t. FML

I agree, your life sucks 994

You deserved it 232

Chunks

By Anonymous - 08/05/2009 20:02 - United States

Today, I learned that no matter how much you assume that the crunchy bits in a bag of crisps are in fact crisps, you will occasionally find that your assumptions are wrong. Beetles just don't have the same appeal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 529

You deserved it 5 883

By Anonymous - 25/10/2010 00:36 - Australia

Today, I found out my girlfriend only gets aroused after watching Jersey Shore and will only have sex immediately after an episode. I think the worst part is, I'll take what I can get. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 202

You deserved it 6 071

Tasty

By Anonymous - 09/07/2023 03:00 - United States

Today, I went to the supermarket and picked up some groceries, along with what I thought was a bag of chips. I ripped it open in the car and realized it was a bag of birdseed. As I spat out the birdseed through the car's open window and tried to clean the mess, a pigeon flew into my car and attacked me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 292

You deserved it 895

By Anonymous - 27/06/2012 20:01

Today, I used a red-eye removal tool on one of my photos. I quickly realised how bad my acne is when the software couldn't distinguish between my eyes and cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 377

You deserved it 2 930

By FANZZY - 18/08/2014 16:29 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I learned that when someone is choking you don't do the "hymen maneuver", you do the "heimlich maneuver". I was corrected by my girlfriend's parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 275

You deserved it 16 316

By Anonymous - 14/08/2011 19:32 - United States

Today, I walked in on my mom ranting on about what a useless bitch I am. She was talking to my cat. It's not the first time this has happened, either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 527

You deserved it 4 000

FML on Facebook

Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Suspicious Sex Intimacy Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

The Top

Today, I visited my Mum. She has invited me to visit her before, but kept cancelling whenever I tried to arrange an actual visit. I finally went over anyway, only to find her in a soiled nappy, room in ruins, with kidney failure-induced dementia. Sometimes they hide it well over the phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 592

You deserved it 118

Today, I was feeling stressed about some upcoming exams, so I went on a nice relaxing nature walk through the nearby bushland. I slipped off a rock and landed in knee-deep mud that claimed my shoe when I pulled my leg free. I'm even more stressed now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 043

You deserved it 924

Today, my body has decided that sleeping past 4 a.m. is strange idea and should be resisted. It is also of the opinion that any duration of sleep less than 10 hours per night constitutes a lack thereof, which deserves physical signs of tiredness, like looking several years older. FML

I agree, your life sucks 627

You deserved it 135

Today, I brought my mom to my work’s annual party. She insisted on meeting my boss and introduced herself as my "very supportive, overly involved mother." To make it worse, she gave him a lecture about how I was “just too shy” to ask for a raise. My boss is now both confused and terrified. FML

I agree, your life sucks 396

You deserved it 242

Today, while sledding with my daughter, I tried getting her to go down a steeper slope than she's used to. She was worried she'd crash, so I went first to show her how it's done. I lost control halfway down the hill, bailed, and rolled into a tree. My wife has it on video. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 160

You deserved it 14 149

Today, I was in agonizing pain and couldn't move. My parents said they couldn't take me to the ER until the football game on TV was over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 957

You deserved it 3 340