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By Phobic_fml - 28/06/2019 22:22

Today, I saw the engagement announcement for the girl I've been in love with for 10 years. FML

agreeclassic 1 526

vote type 1 896

By Anonymous - 04/10/2010 11:22 - Australia

Today, I missed my history exam because they'd changed the day. Apparently they sent out an email to let everyone know. Too bad I'd banned myself from the internet in order to study for the exam. FML

agreeclassic 34 746

vote type 1 9 995

You coming?

By snotface - 23/04/2009 19:47 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. She started panting harder and going, "AH, AH, AH..." and I thought she was about to come. Next thing I know, there's snot splattered all over my face and neck. Turns out it was a sneeze. FML

agreeclassic 76 833

vote type 1 8 873

Road trip

By kanepie - 05/07/2019 04:03

Today, we were driving home from NYC to Knoxville after our flight got cancelled, and we had to drive with 3 strangers for 13 hours. We are now stuck in Who-Knows-Where, Virginia, with two blown tires, because a metal plate fell off an 18-wheeler in front of us. FML

agreeclassic 1 830

vote type 1 150

Misunderstood

By Lonely - 24/07/2011 17:02 - United States

Today, I went out for coffee with my sister and my crush. I spent the majority of the date flirting with my crush, and when he dropped us off at home, I told him I had fun on our date. He looked at me surprised and said he'd thought I'd tagged along on his date with my sister. FML

agreeclassic 45 608

vote type 1 9 478

By Anonymous - 22/04/2009 15:26 - Australia

Today, I got a text from my girlfriend saying she needed more phone credit, so I bought her more and got another message saying "Great, now I have enough credit for this..." as she spelled out a three page message breaking up with me. Yes, I paid for her to break up with me via text. FML

agreeclassic 80 878

vote type 1 8 159

By Anonymous - 21/04/2009 21:52 - United States

Today, I was at my senior dance dancing with this guy I really like. He was telling me how he likes a strong woman who's not afraid to make the first move. Empowered by what he said, I asked him out. He said no because he thinks girls shouldn't ask guys out. FML

agreeclassic 68 088

vote type 1 5 098

By Anonymous - 12/07/2019 00:01 - Poland - Warsaw

Today, yet again, I got into an argument with my dad. I have a PhD in the subject. But he's "entitled to his opinion", for, as he said, he's read a summary of the history of the country in a tourist guidebook, and the general view doesn't have to be based on more detailed information. He also corrects me when I speak the language, which he doesn't know. FML

agreeclassic 1 925

vote type 1 194

Hell no!

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my ex-wife, whom I divorced just 8 months ago, asked me to attend her wedding, because "it would mean a lot" to her. She's marrying the man she cheated on me with. FML

agreeclassic 54 789

vote type 1 3 395

Pokéman gone

By Anonymous - 14/03/2021 08:01

Today, I thought a cute and well-dressed guy, with a mask matching his shoes, was taking a picture of me. Flattered, I approached him. Turns out, he was playing Pokémon Go and was just trying to catch a “Geodude.” He also blurted out that he was gay. He's into dudes and Geodudes. FML

agreeclassic 785

vote type 1 634

Leaking

By noname - 22/09/2010 05:37 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I discovered that if I put my ankles on my boyfriend's shoulders while we are having sex, I will pee myself. FML

agreeclassic 36 591

vote type 1 13 826

Caught in 4K

By Safe - 17/04/2009 23:15 - United States

Today, my girlfriend left her phone on a bus. With no way to pick it up, I drove 40 miles through Friday night Boston traffic to get it from the bus company office. It took me four hours. Bored in traffic, I discovered the texts from her other boyfriend. FML

agreeclassic 87 744

vote type 1 5 039

By kdgirl - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my grandmother gave me rosary beads for my birthday. She told me I'd better start praying for a husband. FML

agreeclassic 29 879

vote type 1 3 229

Observation

By Anonymous - 17/04/2009 05:43 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. Right as I was really getting into it, he pauses, frowns, and says, "I think I see the pee hole." FML

agreeclassic 97 796

vote type 1 8 010

By yellow_sunflowers101 - 16/04/2009 16:53 - United States

Today, my family and I ran into an older man my parents knew. He continually asked me questions like do you play football, have you started shaving yet, etc. I thought he was joking. He told my parents I had grown into quite a young man. I am a girl and he wasn't joking. FML

agreeclassic 76 533

vote type 1 4 896

By Alex - 20/06/2014 22:05 - United Kingdom - Greenford

Today, my dad told me that I was conceived while he and my mother were high on LSD. He then stared into the distance, mumbled "Probably explains a few things" and chuckled to himself. FML

agreeclassic 46 468

vote type 1 4 169

Cruising

By notpreggers - 15/04/2009 20:14

Today, I was wearing a new $500 dress on a crowded train. I looked great and I could feel the eyes on me. A cute guy then offered me his seat, only boosting my confidence more until he said "for you and the baby," pointing at a bump in my dress. I'm not pregnant and wasted $500. FML

agreeclassic 55 944

vote type 1 28 857

By Drunkactor - 03/08/2019 06:00 - United States

Today, my boss fired me because of my drinking problem. The reason he thinks I have a drinking problem? I was in a play he saw, in which I played a drunk person. I've been completely sober my whole life. FML

agreeclassic 2 130

vote type 1 118

By Jesse - 10/05/2012 21:22 - United States - Bothell

Today, I had to get a prostate exam. Right before the doctor started, he told me that if I found it awkward at all, I should just imagine I was being probed by aliens. FML

agreeclassic 25 084

vote type 1 2 423

Idiots on bikes

By Anonymous - 09/05/2012 18:50 - United States - Castle Rock

Today, as I pulled to a halt at a stop sign, a cyclist ripped through the air, slammed straight into my fender, and almost launched over my car. I ended up being cited for reckless driving. FML

agreeclassic 25 846

vote type 1 2 335

By THOMASisMYname - 06/07/2011 17:06 - Canada

Today, I went out drinking with my friends. Being safe as we were a little intoxicated, we took a taxi back. The cab driver was also drunk. FML

agreeclassic 46 879

vote type 1 4 620

By Anonymous - 10/04/2009 21:40 - United States

Today, for the first time ever, a woman saw my penis. I am 30 years old. The woman was my doctor. She snorted to cover a laugh and apologized. FML

agreeclassic 451

vote type 1 48

By Jessie - 05/07/2011 16:34 - United States

Spicy

Today, I got stuck listening to my coworker bang on about how sexy her fiancé is for almost an hour. She told me about their sex life, described his dick in great detail, and showed me pictures of him shirtless. My coworker is 49; her fiancé is 56 and overweight. FML

agreeclassic 46 770

vote type 1 4 666

By Anonymous - 08/09/2010 02:20 - United States

Spicy

Today, I had to do something that many young technologically-savvy people fear. I had to get on my dad's Facebook for him to delete a rather scandalous photo of his genitals he accidentally uploaded. FML

agreeclassic 41 891

vote type 1 3 385

By Anonymous - 10/08/2019 06:00

Today, my boyfriend looked so unhappy in a photo we took that I downloaded an editing app, and edited the photo to make it look like he was smiling before posting it. FML

agreeclassic 1 199

vote type 1 935

By s0m3guy2010 - 19/04/2013 00:06 - United States

Today, I found a pound of cooked bacon in the dryer. When I asked my roommate about it, he confessed; his excuse was that he wanted to dry up the grease before eating it. FML

agreeclassic 41 454

vote type 1 3 828

s0m3guy2010 app_comment_confession_title

s0m3guy2010 21

Friday 19 April 2013 14:04

I know he was bacon for a heart attack. Although the dryer didn't break, I was really porked from doing laundry until he was able to clean everything out.

By PsychoBillyGoat - 26/05/2014 00:47 - United States - Anchorage

Today, my wife's cat ran away. After spending a lot of money making "Lost Cat" flyers and driving around for hours passing them out and searching for her cat, he walked downstairs. FML

agreeclassic 43 050

vote type 1 9 825

PsychoBillyGoat app_comment_confession_title

PsychoBillyGoat 23

Monday 26 May 2014 20:13

My wife was worried about the cat because he is elderly and needs meds every 12 hours. He also has no claws ( we got him that way). He has never been outside before but lately he has been trying to get out. Also we live in Alaska, more to worry about then cars and dogs getting him

Neighbours from hell

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Canada - Oakville

Today, my new neighbours moved in. I've neither seen nor spoken to them yet; all I know is that they enjoy hammering at the walls for hours on end and repeatedly setting off the fire alarm. All this in the small hours of the morning. I got two hours of sleep. FML

agreeclassic 23 483

vote type 1 2 084

By ouch - 01/09/2010 13:50 - Belgium

Today, I was in the airport after saying goodbye to my boyfriend who left for three months. Walking back to my car, I saw a young couple kissing passionately. If that wasn't bad enough, the guy then picked his girlfriend up, spun her round in the air and her foot kicked me square in the jaw. FML

agreeclassic 41 347

vote type 1 4 206

By Anonymous - 18/08/2019 00:01 - United States

Today, I found out my mom booked me a flight to stay with relatives who I don't like, and who don't like me. I leave in two days, and don't return until the day before school starts. FML

agreeclassic 1 799

vote type 1 157

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Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Kids Parenting Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Intimacy Suspicious Sex Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

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Today, I took my son to lunch. After we ate, the waitress came over and told me that my son was the most well-behaved child they had ever had there. His response was to pull his pants down and moon the entire restaurant while smacking his bottom. FML

agreeclassic 57 597

vote type 1 7 897

Today, I was taken to the hospital after I fell down the stairs. The physician who saw me bit his lip and said he would have to amputate my foot, and I fainted in terror. One of the nurses later told me to "learn to take a damn joke." FML

agreeclassic 53 747

vote type 1 10 299

Today, I fell asleep in a lecture. I laughed at something amusing in Dreamworld, but the laugh came out as a prolonged creepy groan in Lectureworld. I woke up to see everyone within a 5 meter radius staring at me. FML

agreeclassic 24 130

vote type 1 14 044

Today, I had to stand next to my wife at the supermarket, beet-red and pretending not to exist; about half an hour into our shopping, she completely lost her shit at the advertising on the loudspeaker, turned to another patron, and screamed into his face to shut the fuck up. FML

agreeclassic 21 674

vote type 1 2 488

Today, over half of my coworkers have called out for various reasons and my manager is on her third week of vacation. My coworkers keep calling out. I'm the only closer. I just want a day off. FML

agreeclassic 1 449

vote type 1 125

Today, when I saw a big box that looked like a playstation, I got really excited and my parents were there and everything looked like it really was something big, so I start to open the wrapper and surprise... it was a lamp. FML

agreeclassic 23 955

vote type 1 7 009