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By sweetjulie - 11/07/2019 18:00

Today, and for the past week, my 5-year-old daughter has been introducing herself as “Mazda. Zoom-zoom!” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 416

You deserved it 301

By pinkblankets - 19/04/2009 01:55 - United States

Today, I woke up with really dry, chapped lips. Still in bed, without my glasses on, I sleepily reached down into my purse for some chapstick and applied it. Upon awakening later I realized I had mistaken a mini Sharpie permanent marker for chapstick. I have a job interview today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 104

You deserved it 29 896

By StewPit - 16/04/2009 19:44 - United States

Today, I was eating some left over Easter peanut MandMs at work, when I exclaimed "oh cool, they have E's on them for Easter". It took me a couple of minutes, but I eventually realized that I was looking at a regular MandM sideways. Definitely explains my coworkers' uncontrollable laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 263

You deserved it 75 086

Cut the crap

By Anonymous - 20/10/2016 17:59 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, as usual, I got to my internship early, did everything my bosses asked. At the end of the day, I was fired after 3 weeks of working unpaid overtime because they found an applicant with more experience for the job I applied to and they wanted to cut costs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 982

You deserved it 730

By Anonymous - 13/01/2017 16:38

Today, I went to Walmart with all my birthday money, which I had in a wallet with my permit and everything else. I was sat on a bench looking for items for my iPod Touch However… I left my wallet behind. Turns out an old couple stole it. I got my shit jacked by grandparents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 421

You deserved it 2 513

By Anonymous - 29/07/2019 04:00

Today, I think I found out just how many times I've ordered through UberEats when my delivery guy told me that, "We should stop seeing each other like this!" with a chuckle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 524

You deserved it 530

By timmynotjimmy - 28/10/2009 01:28 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend told me how disappointed and depressed she was that she could never make me hard. She started ranting about her looks and how she fails at everything. I didn't know how to reply. I was hard while she told me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 403

You deserved it 3 943

Next time? Never!

By Anonymous - 10/06/2014 20:06 - Barbados - Bridgetown

Today, my nineteen year-old daughter handed me a book on raising children and said, "Maybe you'll do better next time." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 405

You deserved it 16 530

Makeover

By Eric Ngan - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Singapore - Singapore

Today, a pigeon got into my apartment. After knocking over a very expensive vase, it panicked, rammed itself against a window, and shat all over the floor as it tried to get out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 789

You deserved it 2 222

Freaked out

By Anonymous - 04/08/2019 02:00

Today, my boyfriend informed me I need to stop staying up all night, because it's "really sketchy" and he feels "uncomfortable" not knowing what I'm doing, and why I'm awake. I'm an insomniac, I have been my whole life, and he knows this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 075

You deserved it 190

By bobafett892 - 02/10/2016 17:32 - United States - Atlanta

Today, while working at a cell phone store, I helped an older woman learn how to use her newly updated phone. After trying to help her for over 20 minutes, she threatened to throw her phone at my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 151

You deserved it 868

By wtf is wrong with my country - 08/05/2012 17:57 - United States

Today, I was shopping at Walmart, when I saw a really good deal on some bacon. Before I could take any, a huge-ass woman stormed over, kicked my cart down the aisle, and snatched every single packet for herself. And I actually got upset over this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 276

You deserved it 3 628

By quirrus - 07/05/2012 09:42 - United States

Today, while showering with my boyfriend, he asked if something was weird about his penis. Naturally, I looked closer. As soon as I did, he sprayed my face with urine. This is only the beginning; we just moved in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 162

You deserved it 9 863

Bad idea

By Stacy - 05/07/2011 04:04 - United States

Today, while using the restroom at work, I dropped my keys into the toilet. I left to find something to get them out and figured nobody would use a toilet with keys in it. I came back to a bowl of dung and "Shit happens" written on the wall in lipstick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 969

You deserved it 8 464

By Snorlax - 13/04/2013 04:25 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I uploaded a cute photo of my boyfriend and me on Facebook. Ten minutes later, his friend commented: "Dude! You're supposed to capture the Snorlax, not date it!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 719

You deserved it 14 715

By That escalated quickly. - 28/08/2017 20:00

Today, I was excited by the thought of the bathroom in my rental being replaced after the plumber advised that the leak can't be easily fixed. Instead, the owner has decided to fully renovate and is kicking me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 975

You deserved it 345

By hamster cookie - 17/10/2009 21:08 - France

Today, my 6 year old son learned that if you give a mouse a cookie, he will ask for a glass of milk. But if you give a hamster a cookie, he will try to shove the whole thing in his mouth, choke, and die. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 326

You deserved it 5 097

By MrKento - 08/04/2013 23:16 - Honduras - Tegucigalpa

Today, I had to get my grandparents out of jail, because they were caught having sex in a public place. They excused their actions by saying that you can only be young and stupid once, so if you continue doing stupid actions, you are still young. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 545

You deserved it 5 035

MrKento tells us more.

MrKento 15

Wednesday 10 April 2013 1:30

:l Apparently it wasnt a good Idea to let know my grandparents that people thought they were awesome cause of their public stunt....

Turned on

By Anonymous - 04/04/2009 10:57 - Denmark

Today, was the first time my boyfriend slept over. He was hard, so I woke him up by whispering in his ear, "If you could get me to do anything right now, what would it be?" His response, "Can you get me a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream?" He was hard, for ice cream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 88 476

You deserved it 14 943

Not feeling it

By Irritated - 12/09/2016 15:29 - United States - Muncie

Today, I was sitting in a drive-thru with my girlfriend waiting for our food and the idiot behind me rear-ended me. I got out of the car to tell him he'd rear-ended me. He then argued with me, saying he "didn't feel it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 849

You deserved it 897

By Eve - 24/06/2011 10:45 - Ireland

Today, as I passed my fiancé the pancakes I had just made, he vocalised his happiness with a groan that was EXACTLY like the one he makes when we have sex. So on a sexiness rating, I'm a pancake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 122

You deserved it 10 731

By Anonymous - 26/08/2019 06:00 - United States

Today, a customer at work made threats against me and my two-month old son. Instead of following policy by notifying the police, my manager apologized to him and told me to leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 152

You deserved it 213

By anonymous - 04/04/2013 22:52 - United States - Spring Valley

Today, I picked my 12-year-old daughter up from school after her first sexual education lecture. She burst into tears on the way home explaining her fears of being pregnant with her boyfriend's child. As if that doesn't sound bad enough, I've met her boyfriend before. He is imaginary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 770

You deserved it 4 201

By Pugsley - 30/08/2019 14:02 - Australia

Today, for my birthday, I found out I'm too ugly even for a hooker to have sex with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 243

You deserved it 366

Thanks, I hate it!

By dudezilla - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I got a text message from a number I didn't know telling me, "Fine. It's over, have a wonderful life." I've never had a girlfriend and now I get broken up with by girls I don't even know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 878

You deserved it 3 957

Restrictions

By TheHam - 05/09/2019 18:00 - Sweden

Today, the school called my dad telling him they want to put me on a diet, because they're worried about my weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 445

You deserved it 642

By Anonymous - 29/03/2009 04:12 - United States

Today, I heard a little girl saying how much she didnt want braces to her mom because they hurt and make people look ugly. I looked at her and said, "Aww, there not that bad. See, I have them!" I then smiled to show her. She turned to her mom and said, "See!" then started to cry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 308

You deserved it 10 506

By raquelcita - 26/08/2016 06:05 - United States - Winter Park

Today, I went to my boss with concerns that my manager is dumping her responsibilities on me. He agreed and told me to just do whatever she wants. She gets paid twice as much as me to talk on her cellphone all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 696

You deserved it 1 033

By rescuetheduck - 10/04/2012 19:26 - Finland - Joensuu

Today, I was at the grocery store, waiting in line to pay. A man jumped me from behind, and my first reflex was to brutally elbow him in the face. I soon discovered my attacker was one of the patients at the disability house at which I work, and he was trying to hug me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 972

You deserved it 7 286

Humpty Dumpy

By traumatized - 12/04/2014 18:07 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was taking the biggest shit of my life. When I worked the thing out, it hit the water with such force that I got a toilet water enema from the backwash. I was so freaked out that I screamed and fell off the seat, prompting my husband to rush in to see what was wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 464

You deserved it 9 422

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The Top

Today, my daughter got upset because, even though I bought the car for her when she got her license, I told her it was her responsibility to pay the tax, insurance and MOT every year. End result, my daughter is a selfish brat and I returned the car, but lost a bunch of my deposit money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 913

You deserved it 404

Today, I gave my girlfriend an orgasm. It was great until mid-gasm when she swung her arm out and knocked me out. She still can't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 865

You deserved it 6 357

Today, it was my birthday. My only birthday present was a cake that my dad bought from Walmart. Well, it sure looked tasty. The only problem: it had nuts on it. Guess what I'm highly allergic too? At least my dad told me he'd "tell me how it tastes." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 931

You deserved it 152

Today, I was at the mall blasting music. I was wearing a nice shirt, and had my iPod in my breast pocket. I noticed a cute girl smiling at me, so I smiled back and as she started to walk over, I turned down my music while smiling. It looked like I was rubbing my nipple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 824

You deserved it 71 127

Today, I signed up to a Christian website in order to try and 'find God again'. I got banned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 492

You deserved it 27 294

Today, I blurted out “Love you, bye!” at the end of a professional phone call. There was a long pause before he replied, “Uh… thank you for your help?” My coworkers heard everything. I'm now scared of my work phone ringing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 158

You deserved it 251