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Exercise One

By blah - 02/06/2020 23:00

Spicy

Today, while cuddling with my boyfriend, he started humping my leg and said, "I'm gonna hump the fatness out of you and make you beautiful." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 348

You deserved it 450

By Me myself & I - 19/04/2016 01:09 - United States - Columbus

Today, my parents said they know I don't do drugs or drink because I have no friends to do drugs or drink with. They are right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 854

You deserved it 2 031

By ohtheirony - 19/08/2018 18:30

Today, I scratched my car with a bottle of scratch remover deeply enough that the scratch remover couldn't remove it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 590

You deserved it 606

Look!

By dinosaurboy - 06/02/2010 20:01 - United States

Today, my mom and I went to the mall to look for some boxer briefs. While looking, I saw two girls I knew from school, so I went over to say hello. At least, that was my plan, but my mom screamed, "Look! These have dinosaurs on them!" They left the store giggling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 713

You deserved it 5 471

By socknotes - 09/03/2016 04:02 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, a shifty customer came in to my store and was hanging around for about 30 minutes. Apparently, he took that time to put religiously-motivated anti-abortion notes into each and every pair of socks. In the following hours, I had 17 angry returns and was personally threatened twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 851

You deserved it 1 459

By pleasedtomeetyou - 13/01/2010 16:42 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I met my boyfriend's notoriously difficult mother. I had been looking forward to meeting her and making a good impression. Unfortunately, I could not greet her as her son's penis was still in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 171

You deserved it 16 397

By therapygal - 17/11/2018 15:30

Today, my girlfriend got very mad at me after finding several appointments with "Amanda" in my calendar. Amanda is my psychiatrist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 714

You deserved it 302

By singlelady - 26/01/2016 22:24 - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, to avoid disappointing my excited great grandmother, I still attended a small family dinner to celebrate my engagement. My fiancé and I split last night, I haven't slept and had to tell her he was caught up at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 962

You deserved it 2 153

Good question

By clostar - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - San Francisco

Spicy

Today, I had sex with a guy I met at a party and passed out in his bed. When I woke up at 3 am, he sat up and said, "You're still here?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 897

You deserved it 10 216

By retail can shart a cock - 09/01/2016 05:25 - United States

Today, a customer's credit card was declined. His totally reasonable reaction was to threaten to put a bullet in the back of my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 898

You deserved it 1 306

Dirty mind

By Anonymous - 11/12/2015 20:24 - United States - Porter

Spicy

Today, I'm so sexually deprived that I got a raging hard-on from seeing and hearing my coworker yawn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 640

You deserved it 4 712

By Anonymous - 06/03/2019 12:00

Today, I went to the location of me and my wife’s first date, because I miss her, and barely get to see her because of our work schedules… Only to see her there on a date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 804

You deserved it 209

By Jester94752 - 15/03/2019 16:00

Today, a co-worker, who lives 30 minutes out of my way, had broken down so I picked him up. We were both 5 minutes late and both got fired. Our department takes 30-60 minutes to even start running. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 392

You deserved it 197

By onyinye - 19/11/2015 13:09 - Germany - Neum?nster

Today, my fiancé finally went to a therapy session with me because of the difficult circumstances we are facing. Afterwards, he shouted at me for "talking to someone about our problems". I told him that's kind of the point of therapy. Now he's sulking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 584

You deserved it 2 203

onyinye tells us more.

onyinye 4

Friday 20 November 2015 0:05

hey guys, OP here. We have been together for several years now and we've been through a lot. I'd say we have grown together and our relationship is great in general. However, a lot of bad stuff has happened in the past (I got raped and he kinda blames himself for not being there for me and protecting me at that time, which he couldn't, because he got falsely accused of dealing drugs and was behind bars for a couple of months until they let him go). About the marrying stuff, we are still engaged and want to get married in the future, but considering the circumstances we have decided to wait for things to settle before actually setting a date and going through with it. I think the reason why he got angry is that he usually sees himself as "the strong man" and the protector and while he is comfortable talking to me alone, he felt really uncomfortable being vulnerable in front of a stranger.

By baguette - 02/09/2014 23:32 - Germany - Minden

Today, I've been living in Germany for several weeks now. My classmates still cannot pronounce my name: Clémence. Instead they call me, “Baguette.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 781

You deserved it 94

By Anonymous - 30/10/2015 22:22 - United States - Saint Peters

Today, I finally stood up to the guy who's been bullying me for the last 2 years. Even though he's been caught in the act several times, he never gets punished, so I figured I'd get away with gut-punching him. Nope. An hour later, I was suspended from school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 910

You deserved it 2 654

By Anonymous - 21/04/2017 21:00 - Italy

Today, I smelled a terrible odor in my house. It seemed to be coming from everywhere. At first, I thought it might be rotten food or a dead animal, then I realized it was my own breath. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 698

You deserved it 2 464

Zinger!

By Familyskank - 06/05/2009 16:57 - United States

Spicy

Today, my family was preparing a turkey for my grandma's birthday dinner when my aunt noticed a utensil on the counter and asked what it was for. My mom said it was used to keep the turkey's legs together. My aunt responded to her by saying, "Maybe you should get one for your daughter." FML

I agree, your life sucks 108 678

You deserved it 24 953

Clever

By RyloGhyst - 12/12/2016 12:46 - United States - Killeen

Today, after putting the same load of laundry through the wash four times, I was wondering why my clothes kept smelling worse and worse. Turns out, my cat learned how to open and pee in the detergent funnel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 530

You deserved it 876

By Lizziebelle - 01/12/2016 08:07 - United States - Seattle

Today, my horse learned a new acrobatic trick. Unfortunately, I was still on top of him when he tried to somersault. The horse is fine. I'm in the hospital, fresh out of surgery for a broken femur. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 865

You deserved it 771

Get off your ass

By nepotwatism @ its finest - 23/09/2015 15:05 - Sweden - Halmstad

Today, my boss told me I have to start work 4 hours early tomorrow, because that my coworker, who happens to be his son, will not be coming in because he's "too tired". I work 10 hours a day, 6 days a week without complaining. His son works two 4-hour shifts a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 800

You deserved it 1 835

By Late - 12/11/2016 07:45

Today, my boss at my new job yelled at me for being 15 minutes early to work. Last week he yelled at me for being late for my shift when I arrived 5 minutes early. He's considering this my final warning before I'm fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 223

You deserved it 716

By ohmygosh - 21/07/2011 23:35 - United States

Today, I accidentally asked a one-armed man which arm he wanted me to take blood from. He asked for a different nurse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 651

You deserved it 48 687

By pianoblues - 17/10/2016 20:22 - Canada - Thunder Bay

Today, I had a piano audition for a musical. Afterwards, the judge asked if I had any experience with percussion, and then told me she was considering me for a percussion part. I guess my piano audition really was THAT bad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 071

You deserved it 1 088

Summer vibes

By milksquad - 17/07/2017 14:11

Today, my roommates adopted two kittens without consulting me. We're not allowed to have pets in our apartment and I'm severely allergic to cats. Oh well, it's not like I needed to be able to breathe this summer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 327

You deserved it 348

Risk management

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my girlfriend uninvited to me a party because she said her ex would be there, and since she hasn't told him about us, she didn't want him getting upset. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 676

You deserved it 2 988

By dukemisery - 01/10/2016 05:34 - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, I was glad to find out that all the bedbugs have been eaten. Now I have a spider infestation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 624

You deserved it 965

Time to move on

By mischalucksux - 19/09/2016 13:54 - United States

Today, I finally have a job I love with amazing people I call family and a fantastic boss. I've been here 8 months, and I'm doing a great job, I feel like I could work here forever! My most recent project? Printing our "Store closing sale" signs for liquidation. We permanently close in 7 weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 900

You deserved it 1 089

By KayIsKiwi99 - 29/08/2016 19:00 - United States - Houston

Today, I realized after turning in my resume to over 100 job openings over the past month, that the resume I've been submitting does not have my phone number or any other contact information besides my name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 385

You deserved it 16 241

By CantPublish - 12/04/2012 17:54 - United States - Modesto

Spicy

Today, my wife and I decided to try role-playing. I started cleaning the pool. waiting for her to come out and be sexy, but she never did. I'd cleaned the entire pool before going into the house to ask why she never came out. She said she tricked me into cleaning the pool. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 125

You deserved it 21 926

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The Top

The Top

Today, I was at a piano lesson playing a song I had worked very hard to make perfect. Halfway through, my teacher abruptly stops me and asks, "Did you notice that I rearranged the furniture?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 904

You deserved it 3 832

Today, my mother went out of her way to, over completely trivial bullshit, wake me up early on the only two days of the week I don’t have to wake up at 4:30AM, drive an hour both ways, and work my fingers to the bone for twelve hours straight. This is why I’m so soul-shreddingly desperate to move out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 913

You deserved it 154

Today, I've been stuck in a minimum wage job since I was 15. I'm now 22 and I have no idea where I'm going in life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 707

You deserved it 274

Today, it's been over a week since I started painting a mural on my bedroom wall. Turns out, I'm not as artistic as I thought, because my attempt at a serene landscape now looks more like a psychedelic nightmare. FML

I agree, your life sucks 226

You deserved it 453

Today, I went for a lunch interview for my dream job. The interview was great and at the end, I tried to seal the deal by complimenting my future boss. I said, "You're really hardworking. Do you always work on a Saturday?" He looked at me, smiled and then wrote something down. Today's Friday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 854

You deserved it 59 926

Today, in physics class, my teacher was messing around with an air cannon and I accidentally blurted out, "Blow me!" It took me all of 5 seconds to realize why everyone was laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 761

You deserved it 1 654