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Scarred for life

By Aly - 09/12/2011 15:40 - United States

Today, my dad finally decided to give me the "sex talk." It was going fine until he said, "If you ever decide to have sex, picture my face like this" and pointed to his face, which had a creepy, intense stare. He just ruined sex for me. Forever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 202

You deserved it 5 871

By Username - 04/02/2011 08:11

Today, I scraped the ice off my boss's car windows and thought it'd be funny to scrape a swastika in the ice on his roof. I didn't realize until it thawed off that it scratched it into the paint. He didn't find much humor in it and is making me pay for the damage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 931

You deserved it 81 594

By Anonymous - 05/02/2010 08:23 - France

Today, I was working as a clown (Pennywise) in a haunted maze. A bunch of drunk guys came in and started breaking props. I decided to stay still and follow through with the scare. I ended up getting kicked in a very sensitive area. The security guard just laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 928

You deserved it 4 373

Prehistoric

By and she blames me -_- - 13/10/2013 21:50 - Canada - Calgary

Today, some ass-bandit broke into my house by smashing a window, just so he could steal the ancient VHS cassette player that my wife wouldn't let me throw away. Thanks, scumbag, but the front door was unlocked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 314

You deserved it 4 368

By KnuckleSandwich - 20/07/2009 19:10 - United States

Today, I received a medical bill because my daughter thought it would be hilarious to try and fit her fist in her mouth. She succeeded in getting it in, but not in getting it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 681

You deserved it 3 758

He's a keeper

By Anonymous - 11/01/2023 03:00 - United States

Today, I got the news that my ex-boyfriend from two years ago died in a car crash. My fiancé found me crying in the living room when he came home from work. When he found out why I was inconsolable, he said, "Make sure you say hi to that abusive turd in hell for me, thanks for everything." He is now staying at a hotel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 866

You deserved it 1 631

Keeper

By Janice - 27/05/2024 06:00 - United States

Today, I found out that when my now ex-fiance said he “needs time to think about it” when he got cold feet at our wedding, he meant he needed time to screw his hot young coworker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 576

You deserved it 156

Cackle

By easily amused - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I discovered my 10 month-old is terrified of my laugh. Every time I start to laugh, she screams in terror. It's getting depressing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 638

You deserved it 4 579

By joxerthemighty39 - 01/02/2011 03:11 - United States

Today, I had to babysit two kids. I told them to stop fighting, or to sit on separate couches. They stopped. I asked why nobody would sit on the other couch, where I'd been sitting. They told me it was the couch their autistic brother often pees on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 866

You deserved it 3 450

Overdoing it

By Anonymous - 30/10/2021 23:00

Today, my mother is such a helicopter parent, she wouldn’t let me go to my first appointment with my new gynaecologist without being in the room, to “keep an eye on him”. When I told her to stay out, she started screaming in the waiting room that I was going to be raped without her there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 349

You deserved it 111

No excuses

By ICouldntThinkOfaUsername - 17/01/2023 02:00

Today, my husband had heart attack symptoms on the way to his family event. We stopped, called an ambulance, and he was taken off to hospital. I called his family to update them. They still expected us to turn up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 061

You deserved it 107

By Chris - 02/02/2010 05:40 - France

Today, the windows on my car were frozen. I filled up a bucket of hot water, and threw it on the windows. The windows cracked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 687

You deserved it 82 672

Jealousy

By princess_stabitty - 01/08/2020 08:01

Today, my boss's husband came over to our office, and as a by the way comment told our boss my make-up looks good and suits me. The thing is, I've never worn make-up to work, and obviously, he never told his wife, my boss, that she looks good with make-up on. I'm fucked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 627

You deserved it 208

By retailshell - 28/01/2015 15:01 - Australia - Perth

Today, I was ringing up a woman at work. I saw she'd bought a birthday cake, so I smiled and said I hoped whoever it was for has a happy birthday. She looked at me in disgust, told me to mind my own business, then called me a "chucklefuck bitch." Okay then. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 474

You deserved it 2 718

Tense dinner

By bittenbyadonkey - 28/01/2011 17:23 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend came over to have dinner with my family. Everything went well until my mum started hitting the brandy. While kicked back in her chair, she asked my boyfriend how satisfactory I was in bed, and if he enjoyed going down on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 323

You deserved it 3 586

Truth bomb

By Anonymous - 31/10/2021 14:59 - United States - Greenville

Today, I'm realizing that it never gets better, we just get used to life being terrible. There's no point where it all gets better, just tolerable if we're lucky. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 022

You deserved it 228

By Username - 27/01/2011 17:40 - Romania

Today, I was running late for school because I had a huge stomach ache. To save on time, I took a taxi. When the taxi driver hit a bump, I lost control of my bowels and shit myself. Not only do I have to wash my underwear in the sink at school now, but I had to pay the driver extra to remove the smell from his car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 136

You deserved it 5 712

By lizzy1843 - 26/01/2011 14:48 - United States

Today, my cat pissed in my zen garden. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 953

You deserved it 23 865

By mental - 25/10/2012 23:09 - United States

Today, after therapy for obsessing over every woman who talks to me, all I could think about was how I could seduce my therapist. I think I still need a lot of help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 648

You deserved it 6 100

By Anonymous - 25/01/2011 09:14 - Australia

Today, my grandpa came over to help paint our house, as we are renovating it. The only paint clothes he decided to wear were his underpants. The neighbours and builders found this quite amusing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 920

You deserved it 2 863

By Anonymous - 20/01/2015 11:04 - Australia - Blacktown

Today, I was playing Charades. My boyfriend, who I'd recently had a fight with, had trouble and just said his answer was the name of my celebrity twin. Nobody got it. He said "Really? It's Fat Bastard." Stunned silence followed, broken by a single "HAH." from my 'best friend'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 958

You deserved it 4 284

By izoliv - 22/11/2008 08:17 - France

Today, after a tremendously hot night with a guy I met the night before, I ask him his phone number. To which he replied: "What for?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 764

You deserved it 10 862

Medicare for all, please

By Anonymous - 14/08/2020 02:01

Today, I'm sitting in the ER with my 6 ovarian cyst rupture. The pain meds have already worn off and my vag hurts. I also had my gallbladder removed last June, and my right ovary removed last January. The staff here remember me. Most expensive friends I've ever had. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 791

You deserved it 142

Dad jokes

By Dinger1992 - 23/10/2012 13:19 - United States

Today, my dad was teaching me how to drive. He told me that stop signs with white outlines are "optional." I ran through the next one I saw and got pulled over by a cop. My dad is making me pay the ticket for being "that stupid." Thanks dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 134

You deserved it 42 011

Annoying

By taternuts - 26/11/2011 12:18 - Canada

Today, one of my classmates pointed out that our professor has a habit of sucking his teeth at the end of each sentence. I'd never noticed before. I can't concentrate anymore, all I can focus on is his weird teeth noise thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 330

You deserved it 3 513

By boned - 27/01/2010 05:25 - United States

Today, I checked my university financial account to discover I owed them over $1000. The reason? They had apparently given me too much money when I applied for a loan and now want it back. Oh, and I spent my loan money on books and a laptop for school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 437

You deserved it 3 345

By comphone - 19/11/2008 08:00 - France

Today, I went to work 300 miles away from where I live. I couldn't find my customer's address, so I decided to call him. I'd picked up my wireless house phone instead of my mobile. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 384

You deserved it 9 639

By Pepe - 16/11/2008 05:54 - France

Today, my girlfriend said to me, "You know, you only have to wash 3 times a week to be clean." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 556

You deserved it 7 846

Ace in the hole

By IHaveThePower - 19/11/2021 11:00 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I found out the test for a yeast infection is a vaginal exam. I've never had a deeper understanding of my own asexuality than in the moment a stranger, with another stranger as a chaperone, was poking at my intimate parts while I couldn't see what was going on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 124

You deserved it 279

Thanks for nothing

By Somebody - 19/08/2020 17:01

Today, my mother-in-law came over. Probably thinking that the needles in our fridge were steroids, and wanting to do the right thing, she took them to throw them away. I'm diabetic, and they were my insulin. I went into shock after she left and had to go to the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 752

You deserved it 171

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The Top

Today, my ex-girlfriend started dating the guy she told me not to worry about when we dated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 395

You deserved it 4 150

Today, I had 16 freakin' protein bars as a meal, the only meal of the day, as well as 5 apples after. I'm feeling like Yellowstone erupting in my guts right now. It hurts as fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 159

You deserved it 2 216

Today, I missed my bus to school, so I took my bike. The bus that I missed ignored a stop sign on its way back, making me crash into it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 986

You deserved it 116

Today, while I was working replacing a windshield, some jerk off hit my truck. A truck carrying 2 grand in glass. Including the windshield I was about to install. The driver gets out and says, "Sorry man, I had to text my girlfriend." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 867

You deserved it 1 253

Today, my grandmother died. No one called me to let me know she passed. I found out because people kept writing RIP on her Facebook wall. My siblings and I weren't even mentioned in her obituary with the other grandchildren, but they did remember to mention her dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 794

You deserved it 2 638

Today, I just realized the last time I showered was while my grandma was still alive. My grandma died four months ago. Depression really does a number on you without you noticing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 820

You deserved it 327