The Top

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By bregaja - 25/02/2016 18:59 - United States - Brandon

Today, my boyfriend introduced me to his mom for the very first time. After shaking my hand and looking me up and down, she loudly proclaimed, "She doesn't have the right hips to have kids." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 868

You deserved it 1 626

By pplsuck - 25/09/2012 23:57 - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I went to eat out. When I sat down, I realized I forgot my straw. I took my purse with me, not wanting it to get stolen. Someone stole my food instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 338

You deserved it 2 784

Gift of the gab

By Nicole - 13/12/2014 15:20 - United States

Today, I finally told my boyfriend that he's not very good at dirty talk. He does it every time we have sex and it always turns me off. He started crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 371

You deserved it 7 299

By wjones - 15/12/2009 15:06 - United States

Today, my family and I were decorating the Christmas tree. It seemed a bit unstable, but we decorated it without any problems. Later, while my daughter sat by the tree, it began to fall. Her grandmother stopped the tree from hitting her. I, on the other hand, screamed like a little girl. I'm a 38 year-old guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 526

You deserved it 33 803

By TooSunnyForSkin - 05/06/2013 04:22 - United States - Huntington

Today, I found out my work gave me a vacation for my performance. It's a trip to somewhere in the Caribbean, with the nickname "The Sunniest Place on Earth." I have skin cancer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 943

You deserved it 4 206

Brain fart, episode 23

By edodge - 15/10/2010 03:03 - United States

Today, at work, my boss and I went upstairs to storage. We got in the elevator, I pressed the second floor button, and it didn't move so I repeatedly pressed the button. It wasn't until the fifth press that I realized we were already on the second floor. She thought I was an idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 796

You deserved it 28 885

By tinfoilnirvana - 30/04/2009 00:42 - United States

Today, I went for lunch at a Chinese restaurant near my home that I have never eaten at before. It was so good I went back tonight for more, and the restaurant has been boarded up. It is closed due to food contamination. Inspections happened today. I ate contaminated food for lunch today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 957

You deserved it 4 337

Pranked, level 2000

By Poopyhead - 08/11/2009 19:14 - Ireland

Today, I was at a petting zoo with my boyfriend. A guy that worked there said he'd take a picture of me with a mouse on my head. He reassured me that this mouse was trained. I agreed. Once the mouse got on my head, it peed. Turns out the guy didn't work there after all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 758

You deserved it 15 749

By cootiequeen - 01/06/2014 04:13 - United States

Today, at work, a lady approached me asking if I'd found a used cloth diaper on a table, and I told her it was probably in the trash. She said "That's okay, I can wash it." So I searched through several bags of trash, and when I couldn't find it, she said "Oh never mind! It's in my bag." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 584

You deserved it 4 609

By Cat vs. Dog - 28/04/2014 21:03 - United States - Laramie

Today, my escape artist of a dog got out. She not only chased someone else's cat into someone else's house, but promptly defecated all over their living room floor out of excitement. That's one way to meet the new neighbors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 208

You deserved it 5 074

By can't sleep - 18/03/2014 08:36 - United States - Crown Point

Today, my mother taught my 98-year-old great-uncle to knock on the wall if he needs us. He can't remember who we are, but every hour he can remember to knock to ask, "Is it breakfast yet?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 827

You deserved it 4 151

Thanks, I guess

By joAnne - 03/03/2009 21:36 - United States

Today, I went to visit my fiancé's dying grandmother in the hospital with him. She started talking to us about living each day to the fullest. His grandmother points to me and says, "Life is short. That's why you don't waste any time screwing girls who look like that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 813

You deserved it 4 180

Use it wisely

By armywife980 - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff

Today, after teaching my 4 year-old son about the concept of "Stranger Danger," we had gone to a park full of people. When I walked up to him to tell him we had to leave, he ran, screaming, "Stranger! Don't touch me!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 441

You deserved it 7 942

Knackered

By Anonymous - 27/02/2012 12:36 - Australia

Today, I was very cold and tired, so I took a shower to warm up and went to bed. The minute I hopped into bed, it collapsed and broke. I have spent half-an-hour rearranging furniture to get the mattress on to the floor. Now I'm cold again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 324

You deserved it 3 284

By Anonymous - 29/01/2013 04:23 - United States - Lafayette Hill

Today, I almost died. How? I nearly suffocated after passing out while chewing an entire pack of gum. I should really drink less. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 599

You deserved it 46 313

Bratz

By Anonymous - 15/06/2016 15:07 - United States

Today, my bratty sister shoved me overboard during a boat ride. Not ten seconds after being pulled back on board, I got an earful of abuse from my parents. My sister is the family favorite and they refuse to believe that I didn't "provoke" her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 850

You deserved it 920

By shygurl434 - 15/03/2010 09:14 - United States

Today, the boy I like finally acknowledged me. He came up to me and uttered two words: "Nice pooper." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 318

You deserved it 3 669

By Anonymous - 24/04/2015 16:27 - United States - San Jose

Today, I complimented a player in a game who protected my ass the whole match. As a joke, I told them to marry me. Turned out the person was a horny 40-something lesbian stalker who spent the next 5 hours sending me pictures and trying to find out where I live. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 318

You deserved it 6 268

Sax appeal

By blackcarnation - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - South Windsor

Today, my brother got a new saxophone. He thought a good way to break it in was to play it in my ear. Loudly. While I was sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 398

You deserved it 3 836

By Anonymous - 01/01/2013 06:12 - United States - Amelia

Today, my brother thought New Year's would be more epic and memorable if the fireworks were set off in the family room and not outside. It is memorable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 746

You deserved it 61

Drunken mess

By Anonymous - 26/12/2012 17:18 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my ex-boyfriend of over four years ago decided to turn up outside my house at 1 a.m., drunk off his ass, to confess his love for me. When I told him I'd moved on and am happily engaged, he cried on the grass for an hour, then tried to steal my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 201

You deserved it 4 515

By loverpants - 14/08/2009 20:46 - United States

Today, I made the "Good luck, We'll miss you!" sign for my own going away party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 861

You deserved it 5 554

By Anonymous - 14/03/2015 16:11 - United States - Janesville

Today, my instructor turned up late to get me for my driving test. I soon realized something was seriously wrong. Turned out his wife left him last night, and he'd been drinking the pain away all morning. He ended up rear-ending another car, and now I have to reschedule my test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 477

You deserved it 2 633

By ko - 09/12/2012 00:25 - United States - Chicago

Today, I went to see a musical that some school friends had put on. At some point in the show, the main character kicked her leg up in the air, and her high heel flew off of her foot and into the audience. The shoe hit me square in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 145

You deserved it 2 176

By singlemam - 15/03/2016 01:51 - United States - Akron

Today, while at the park, my 3 year-old ran up to a lady, grabbed her chest and loudly asked, "Are these your breasts? Are they private on you too?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 204

You deserved it 2 087

By Prae - 01/10/2012 05:47 - United States - Dallas

Today, I washed the dishes for my mom while she was out, as they seemed to be piling up. I accidentally sliced my hand with a knife in the process. After a trip to the hospital, it was revealed she'd been leaving those dishes there "to teach dad a lesson." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 707

You deserved it 2 122

By Anon - 09/02/2016 12:39 - United States - Toledo

Today, I got into a car accident. The other driver was going so fast that when we hit, our cars positioned themselves to make it look like it was all my fault. He keeps blaming me for everything and the position of the cars doesn't help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 724

You deserved it 1 503

By Upset Mommy - 14/07/2013 04:32 - United States

Today, my water broke. I called my mom, who had agreed to watch my other two kids while I went to the hospital. When I asked her to come over, she just said, "Sorry, now isn't a good time." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 973

You deserved it 3 708

By wut - 05/08/2012 05:23 - United States

Today, a guy said to me, "I'd really love to see that smile back at my place." Trying to be cute, I asked him if he was single. He replied with, "No, but I am a dentist. I could definitely fix that crossbite." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 664

You deserved it 3 522

By Project-Mayhem - 02/12/2009 10:57 - United States

Today, my family went to the Christmas tree farm, and cut down the perfect tree. When we got home we put the kids down for a nap and took some time to relax. We went out to the truck to bring the tree into the house, it was gone. Someone stole my Christmas tree from my driveway in broad daylight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 504

You deserved it 5 844

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The Top

Today, I went to my BFF's 16th birthday party. As I arrived, a VERY cute (and familiar looking) boy said to me, "You look hot! Wanna kiss?" I've made out at parties before so I agreed. As we did, I recognized my pal as a slightly butch, if pretty, GIRL I know. Worst part - her kisses are better than my boyfriend's. Am I gay now? FML

I agree, your life sucks 114

You deserved it 780

Today, my halitosis was so bad that when I blew onto my solution in chemistry class, it reacted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 155

You deserved it 10 660

Today, I decided to use fake tan, seeing as I am so pale. Everywhere I have been today, I have had children behind me. Singing the Oompa Loompa song. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 279

You deserved it 62 282

Today, my estranged father, with whom I haven't spoken in years, called me and demanded to know where his Father's Day gift was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 591

You deserved it 3 380

Today, I got pulled over for going about 88mph. When the cop asked why I was speeding, I replied, "I was trying to go back in time". He didn't like that answer and gave me a ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 466

You deserved it 70 351

Today, I was told I have a tumor in my brain and require surgery. This all came about due to having a MRI for my migraines and then finding it. The kicker? They're positive the tumor isn’t playing any role in the migraines. I'm now struggling to cope and pass grad school exams with this weight in me now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 684

You deserved it 98