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By nemo518 - 23/12/2010 06:36 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I was naked on top of my boyfriend looking lovingly into his eyes. He then started to use my boobs as punching bags while singing "Eye of the Tiger". FML

agreeclassic 46 178

vote type 1 9 461

By Anonymous - 16/06/2011 20:55 - United States

Today, I found out that I was one point away from passing a state science exam. FML

agreeclassic 37 681

vote type 1 11 468

Scheißleben

By LearnGeographyUSA - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Kirkland

Today, and for the past 13 months, I've been living in the States. I've been called a Nazi, asked if we have electricity in Germany, and been made fun of the way I speak with my "German accent", the list goes on. I'm not even German, I'm Danish. FML

agreeclassic 47 134

vote type 1 2 977

By Anonymous - 13/11/2010 07:14 - United States

Spicy

Today, I told my parents that I wanted a little brother. My dad apparently thought it would be funny to tell me that my mom just swallowed my little brother. FML

agreeclassic 534

vote type 1 82

Shut up

By anon - 04/05/2009 21:56 - United States

Today, I was sitting in a theater waiting for the movie to start when a hot guy sat next to me. Trying to impress him, I made seemingly witty comments to my friend throughout the movie. When it ended, he loudly complained to his friends about the 'annoying girl' sitting next to him. FML

agreeclassic 9 771

vote type 1 105 133

Keeping it in the family

By Drew - 05/08/2010 05:18 - United States

Spicy

Today, I discovered that my mom is having an affair… with her cousin. FML

agreeclassic 60 721

vote type 1 4 355

Medication shutdown

By Anonymous - 29/09/2011 09:46 - United States

Spicy

Today, I realized that due to my anti-depressants, I can no longer orgasm. At. All. Which depresses me more. FML

agreeclassic 42 951

vote type 1 4 963

By Cheyennereed - 17/02/2013 15:50 - United States - Shaw A F B

Today, while on my way to the movies, I stopped at a gas station to pick up candy so I could avoid the high prices at the movies. The guy who tore my ticket asked for my purse, confiscated my candy, and then kicked me out of the movie theater. That guy was my boyfriend. FML

agreeclassic 51 714

vote type 1 9 076

By kal - 28/02/2012 21:03 - United States

Today, in bio class, we were studying the reproductive system. I don't like talking about this stuff, and I twitched every time my teacher said "penis" or "vagina." When I told my family, they laughed and kept repeating those words just to see me twitch. FML

agreeclassic 12 536

vote type 1 37 032

By Anonymous - 09/04/2012 00:13 - United States - San Mateo

Today, my boyfriend gave me a $100 gift card for Victoria's Secret. Suspicious, I checked the receipt he'd left in the bag. Turns out he had bought it during the 2 weeks we were broken up for some other girl who rejected him, so decided to give it to me instead. FML

agreeclassic 29 377

vote type 1 6 999

By myennechee - 18/03/2009 05:22 - Germany

Spicy

Today, I asked my boyfriend while he was eating potato chips if he wanted to eat me. He looked at the potato chips, looked at me, and said, "Unless your vagina turns into a potato chip, I'd rather eat these." FML

agreeclassic 43 224

vote type 1 92 020

Not now!

By Adam - 16/03/2010 20:51 - United States

Today, I woke up to go pee and my cat followed me into the bathroom as usual. Then, in a not so usual fashion, she tried to jump from the sink to the top of the toilet, missed, and fell into the bowl while I was peeing. I'm scratched in a bad place, I have urine to clean up off the bathroom floor, and a traumatized cat. FML

agreeclassic 37 353

vote type 1 5 190

It wasn't me

By SingleGirl - 07/09/2009 15:39 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, my mum grounded me for going to my boyfriend's house instead of the library. She said my boyfriend's mum phoned up because she could hear us having it off in his room. When I denied it my mum shouted at me for being a liar as well as a slut. I did go to the library. FML

agreeclassic 85 375

vote type 1 4 250

By Whyme - 09/01/2012 06:14 - United States

Today, I went to the movies on a date. My chair made a fart sound while I moved around a little, so my date thought I'd let one rip. He then let out a really horrendously smelling one to make me feel less embarrassed, giving me a reassuring look. FML

agreeclassic 36 307

vote type 1 6 517

By perenoel - 03/12/2011 16:24 - France

Today, I dressed up as Santa Claus for my employees' children. After seeing all the others, my daughter's turn arrived. She sat on my lap, put her lips to my ear, and whispered softly: "I want a new dad." FML

agreeclassic 62 050

vote type 1 6 158

Door knocking

By firewait - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I gave my 16 year-old step-daughter and her friends a lecture on respecting other people's privacy. Two hours later, I accidentally walked into her room without knocking. She and her friends were giving each other bikini waxes. Now her friends call me "the hypocritical pervert." FML

agreeclassic 16 648

vote type 1 80 910

Padded out

By Ian - 18/04/2009 14:24 - United States

Today, I had a surgery to remove a cyst from my butt. Afterwards, the doctor told me that the cyst was bigger than he initially thought, it would still secrete fluids for two weeks, and the best remedy for this was to wear a Maxi Pad. I'm a guy, and am currently wearing a Maxi Pad on my butt. FML

agreeclassic 108 908

vote type 1 6 488

By elisabeth_pwnes - 16/03/2012 10:38 - Norway

Today, my fiancé came home drunk with some girl. Then he told her that I was his sister. FML

agreeclassic 46 311

vote type 1 3 738

Joyful news!

By AGeeksWife - 12/09/2012 07:03 - United States - Saukville

Today, I learned that I'm expecting twins. A boy and a girl. My husband, upon finding out about this, immediately suggested that we give them Star Wars names. But not Luke and Leia. Oh no. He wants to name them Darth and Vayda. And he is absolutely serious about this. FML

agreeclassic 29 395

vote type 1 4 216

By MissTrix - 29/10/2010 00:58 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend decided he hates my male best friend because they have "conflicting interests." My best friend's response? "What's his gamertag so I can shoot him in Halo?" FML

agreeclassic 31 956

vote type 1 7 385

Sweet talker

By Anonymous - 21/04/2011 13:47 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend said to me, "You know how I know I love you? I don't want you to leave after we have sex." He thinks that's a compliment. FML

agreeclassic 38 384

vote type 1 12 935

By huj - 25/09/2010 21:49 - United States

Today, I was on an airplane, riding in first class for the first time in my life. The man next to me turned to me just before takeoff, stared at my chest, and said that he hoped there would be severe turbulence. FML

agreeclassic 39 101

vote type 1 4 318

By maddie - 06/11/2013 05:06 - United States - Austin

Today, I discovered that the guy I've been seeing is a firm supporter of the Westboro Baptist Church. FML

agreeclassic 60 384

vote type 1 7 538

By fired - 17/09/2013 04:36 - United States - Barnesville

Today, I called work crying, telling them that I wouldn't be able to go to work tomorrow due to my grandmother's sudden and tragic death. After hanging up, I walked into the midnight release of Grand Theft Auto 5. I had no idea my boss was also an avid gamer. FML

agreeclassic 20 086

vote type 1 99 115

By Just_Me_88 - 18/08/2012 05:09 - United States - Salem

Today, I found out that my new husband is expecting two children: ours, due in January, and our 16-year-old neighbor's, due in March. FML

agreeclassic 66 358

vote type 1 3 581

Just_Me_88 app_comment_confession_title

Just_Me_88 8

Sunday 19 August 2012 3:02

Well, I am OP, and I am indeed 23...I met my husband when I was 18....and his ex was 17. She "lied" to him about her age. I am amazed I have bought it for so long. Yup, he is certainly a soon-to-be ex. Right after he loses his jewels. (kidding...maybe, lol) My soon-to-be-ex just turned 36.

Clampdown

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I accidentally clamped my hair straightener down on my ear. Eleven hours later, it still feels like I have a burning, swollen fireball hanging off the side of my head. FML

agreeclassic 31 239

vote type 1 12 443

Horny devil

By jimboxo - 26/04/2009 19:15 - United States

Spicy

Today, my fiancée got out of the shower, completely shaved. I went over to her, wrapped her in a hug and asked her what the occasion was. She pulled away and said that she had a gyno appointment. My fiancée will clean up for the gyno, but not for me. FML

agreeclassic 56 729

vote type 1 10 966

By Anonymous - 30/06/2011 17:44 - United States

Today, I actually resorted to checking the newspaper obituaries to see where the deceased were employed, just so I can find a job opening. FML

agreeclassic 40 400

vote type 1 5 422

Shut up and ink me

By Anonymous - 12/03/2010 03:46 - United States

Today, I went to get my first tattoo. When I told the man that I wanted Tinkerbell on my lower back area. He snorted and told me that I was way too old to have Tinkerbell on me, and that Disney characters are only cute on people 35 and younger. I'm 23. FML

agreeclassic 29 186

vote type 1 13 494

Oh no…

By probably_the_ex_now - 18/08/2009 08:04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend introduced me to his family. They were drinking and having fun, so I joined in. I had one too many, got really goofy, and then suggested the farting game. "Sorry, I can't hold my liquor!" I quickly explained. My boyfriend's mom shot me a cold look and said, "It's non-alcoholic." FML

agreeclassic 12 972

vote type 1 97 612

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Today, I'm in a situation where I'm in a relationship, but he doesn't talk to me at all. He love-bombed me at first, and now I'm not sure how to even talk to him. I hardly know anything about him. I wanna break up but we got together like two months ago. FML

agreeclassic 148

vote type 1 597

Today, my family drove me to the airport. Before they said goodbye, my mom discreetly pulled me to one side and asked if I'd remembered to pack my birth control pills. Unfortunately, my little sister heard, then chased me through the security line, yelling, "YOU'RE ON BIRTH CONTROL?!" FML

agreeclassic 1 778

vote type 1 282

Today, I'm 8 months pregnant and still waitressing at a local restaurant. There were only 3 of us serving today and things were hectic. One guy bitched me out, saying "Maybe if you lost some weight you'd walk a little faster!" because I wasn't fast enough with his soup. FML

agreeclassic 39 166

vote type 1 2 844

Today, I received the newspaper from my hometown. My ex-husband's wedding announcement and picture were on the front page. His new wife has the same first name as me. All my Facebook friends from high school commented on how much weight I've lost and how good I look in my wedding photo. FML

agreeclassic 43 671

vote type 1 3 582

Today, I was taking a final test online that would account for 65% of my final grade, for which I'd worked extremely hard. I had one submission for the test, and my roommate thought it would be funny to click the "Submit All" Button while I was getting a glass of water. I got a 13%. FML

agreeclassic 45 261

vote type 1 3 507

Today, at my job as a hotel housekeeper, I accidentally entered the room of someone who hadn't left yet. To my horror, the man inside was having a massive heart attack. I just found out he passed away, despite immediate medical intervention. FML

agreeclassic 741

vote type 1 94