Kids

By dysfunctional_ravenclaw - 21/10/2017 08:00 - United States - Houston

Today, I made the egregious mistake of going on RateMyTeachers. My students think that, while I'm a good teacher, I have constant "wardrobe malfunctions" and spill my "bloody ass tampons all over the place like a bitch". I teach 6th graders. FML

agreeclassic 3 716

vote type 1 528

By RIPJarJar - 20/10/2017 22:18

Today, my husband gave our three-year-old son a lesson on life and death. He did this by slaughtering our pet chicken for dinner in front of him. My son has been crying for hours. FML

agreeclassic 4 651

vote type 1 502

Not helping.

By child abused - 19/10/2017 00:00 - United States - New York

Today, my neighbor's pesky 7-year-old daughter, who is friends with the guy I really like, decided to help me with him. She used her phone to send him a picture of me. I was in the shower, completely naked and surprised. FML

agreeclassic 6 139

vote type 1 783

By Anonymous - 18/10/2017 16:00 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, after extensive tests due to pregnancy-related issues, I've been told my diet must change. I can no longer eat salt, sugar, gluten, or meat, and lactose is questionable. The doctor hopes it will end after the birth. Seven months to go. FML

agreeclassic 3 505

vote type 1 370

By Richard - 18/10/2017 13:23 - United States

Today, a DNA test proved that my 2-month-old daughter isn't mine. The real father is my girlfriend's husband, whom she married last year when she lied to me about going on a vacation. We've been together for three years and I never knew. FML

agreeclassic 5 458

vote type 1 547

By Anonymous - 16/10/2017 23:15

Today, I was blaring the radio to drown out the sound of the kids in the apartment upstairs. They then started jumping in time with the music. FML

agreeclassic 3 581

vote type 1 832

By Anonymous - 16/10/2017 01:30

Today, my 1-year-old son walked up to me with a disgusted look on his face. I could tell he had something in his mouth so I pulled it out. He'd been sucking on a piece of cat poop. FML

agreeclassic 3 910

vote type 1 478

By anonymous - 15/10/2017 01:30

Today, my dad's face flushed when I introduced him to my new boyfriend. I live in a small town, and it turns out my dad recognized him. He's the secret child from an affair two decades ago. He's my half-brother. FML

agreeclassic 7 224

vote type 1 330

By Anonymous - 14/10/2017 20:00

Today, I offered to let my niece and brother stay at my apartment, as my brother was going through a rough divorce and had lost his job. After coming home from work, I found my niece had snapped all of my pencils and had ruined over ten years worth of artwork. FML

agreeclassic 4 653

vote type 1 343

Baby shark

By Lordofdance - 13/10/2017 16:00

Today, the only way my newborn sleeps is if I dance around with him strapped to me. Six hours and counting. FML

agreeclassic 2 940

vote type 1 496

By Anonymous - 12/10/2017 20:00

Today, my mom borrowed my computer without my permission and downloaded a virus. I came home to a blue screen of death. She refuses to admit fault and pay for a new computer. FML

agreeclassic 4 087

vote type 1 435

By NooOOooOO - 11/10/2017 23:15

Today, I learned how artistically talented my daughter is. Unfortunately, her favorite medium to work in is poo. FML

agreeclassic 3 055

vote type 1 341

By Sam - 10/10/2017 16:00

Today, I went to my first ultrasound appointment. The daughter I was hoping for is actually going to be boy triplets. FML

agreeclassic 4 256

vote type 1 1 279

Prove it!

By Pika - 09/10/2017 01:30

Today, in the midst of an interview, I was asked what my best qualities are. I panicked and quickly responded that I can make a great Pikachu impression. They wanted to hear it. FML

agreeclassic 2 076

vote type 1 3 002

Truthbomb

By DuckMan - 07/10/2017 13:00

Today, I made my niece cry when I told her that snakes are just tails with faces. She won't stop. FML

agreeclassic 2 720

vote type 1 972

Insult to insult

By Anonymous - 05/10/2017 20:00

Today, I was crying after a bad day at work. As I walked down the street, a young boy in a minivan tried to get my attention. He kept saying, "Hi, hi, please wave!" in a sad voice. When I politely waved at him, I saw a group of kids in the van giggling hysterically and taking pictures of me. FML

agreeclassic 3 310

vote type 1 291

By castironstomach - 03/10/2017 20:00

Today, I learned that my daughter will literally eat until she is sick to keep her father and brothers from getting her dessert. I also learned that my boys are sympathetic vomiters. All five of them. FML

agreeclassic 2 784

vote type 1 391

Wild Child

By epic flash - 02/10/2017 20:00

Today, my daughter's quirkiness and eccentricities may have gone to a whole new level when her school faculty described her as "no stranger to LSD". She's 5. FML

agreeclassic 3 112

vote type 1 281

Wham!

By Omar Khalaf - 28/09/2017 01:30

Today, when I called my 2-year-old son over for a hug, he giggled and squealed as he ran over to me. He then stopped in front of me, punched me in the bollocks, and walked away quite happily whilst I was doubled over in pain. FML

agreeclassic 3 134

vote type 1 423

Now I ain't saying she a gold digger...

By Anonymous - 26/09/2017 19:34

Today, I was forced to sit silently through my 20-year-old daughter's wedding to a man who is 8 years older than I am. FML

agreeclassic 3 845

vote type 1 458

By nature - 25/09/2017 23:15

Today, I had to explain to my 7-year-old son that it's not okay to smell others' "wieners". FML

agreeclassic 3 388

vote type 1 340

By mushroomtop - 23/09/2017 23:15

Today, I woke up extremely hung over on a friend's couch after a night of heavy drinking and partying. To my horror, I discovered that, in my drunken state, I'd allowed said friend's six-year-old daughter to trim my hair. I now have a bowl cut. FML

agreeclassic 1 917

vote type 1 3 550

By MrDisgrace - 17/09/2017 13:00

Today, my mom bitched me out in front of my friends because I had my first kiss at "such a young age". She's 15 years older than me. FML

agreeclassic 4 587

vote type 1 377

By GumStickExtraGmail - 14/09/2017 17:30 - United States - Arvada

Today, I found my daughter playing on my phone. When I got it back, I saw multiple texts to my boss saying that I quit. FML

agreeclassic 3 733

vote type 1 632

By Anonymous - 13/09/2017 08:00 - Canada - Grand Bay

Today, I thought it would be funny to mow a dick into my grandmother's lawn, but the mower leaked gasoline and now there's a giant dead grass outline. FML

agreeclassic 1 162

vote type 1 4 650

Throw the bill at the kid. Do it.

By Deadmeat - 12/09/2017 04:29

Today, I was really excited that I'd made it the two weeks I'd borrowed my mother-in-law's new car without putting a scratch on it. I got off work to discover a customer's child throwing rocks in the parking lot. They cracked the windshield. FML

agreeclassic 4 060

vote type 1 274

By RectalSteve - 10/09/2017 20:00 - United Kingdom - Belfast

Today, I showed my girlfriend some old home videos of me as a kid. My dad must have taped over one though, because halfway through it cut to extremely graphic footage of his colonoscopy. FML

agreeclassic 3 582

vote type 1 288

By petty petty petty - 08/09/2017 16:00

Today, my mom yelled at me for fighting with my younger brother. Not because she wanted us to stop, but because my brother couldn't find a good comeback to my argument. FML

agreeclassic 3 462

vote type 1 276

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Today, my boss berated me in front of 2 other coworkers about how unprofessional it was for me to show up to work with a clearly visible hickey. I had to explain to him that my "hickey" was actually a huge pimple that had bruised up after I popped it. FML

agreeclassic 11 669

vote type 1 873

Today, I was brushing my teeth. As I bent down to spit my mouthful of toothpaste into the sink, my cat decided it would be a good time to stick his head right where I was spitting. I spat a huge glob of toothpaste on his head. He then shook it off all over me and the walls. FML

agreeclassic 29 653

vote type 1 8 433

Today, I realized my husband of 30 years consistently makes fun of me in front of friends, and he gets mad when I express opinions contrary to his. I don't think he respects me. FML

agreeclassic 1 168

vote type 1 174

Today, I asked my friend to hand in my homework for me since I have tonsillitis. She thought it would be funny to draw a big heart on it with my teacher's name inside, which she then handed in. FML

agreeclassic 5 212

vote type 1 606

Today, a guy on Bumble sent me a dick pic to me. I opened it, stared at it for a good few minutes, and replied, “I don’t see anything unusual. What are your complaints?” And then it hit me: It’s what they call “the life of a medical student.” I’m ruined! FML

agreeclassic 1 185

vote type 1 319

Today, my teacher "busted" me for writing down answers on my arm for a test. The so called "answers" was just a duck my little nephew had drawn on my hand the night before. She's actually trying to get me suspended over it. FML

agreeclassic 39 780

vote type 1 2 587