Kids

By amaze - 25/06/2019 02:30

Today, I discovered just how picky my son is. In addition to understandably not eating vegetables, he also doesn’t eat chicken fingers, pizza, or ice cream, along with several other foods I assumed all kids love. FML

agreeclassic 1 633

vote type 1 363

Remember the TV show "V"?

By Sarah Lyn - 24/06/2019 04:59

Today, I saw the cutest baby watching a show with my Dad. After commenting how cute she was, my Dad goes on to say, "Yeah, most babies are cute. Except you, you looked like a lizard." FML

agreeclassic 1 726

vote type 1 245

Crockery story

By WasteOfOxygen08 - 23/06/2019 04:34

Today, I woke up and headed downstairs ready to do the dishes, when my mom hissed at me to, “go do the dishes!” As I was washing them, my mom stood over me the whole time. She eventually said, “You know, it’s pretty fucking sad that I still have to tell you to do these things.” FML

agreeclassic 1 954

vote type 1 455

Easy

By Aleena Rashid - 20/06/2019 06:19

Today, I bought a flatpack, easy to assemble cot-bed for my baby. I spent 5 hours building it, but when it was done, I realised I couldn't reach into it because I'm 5ft and my arms can't reach and lift the baby. I'd have to throw him in. I'm suffering from back spasms as a result, and I now need to disassemble and return it. FML

agreeclassic 1 773

vote type 1 394

By Gore - 18/06/2019 21:13 - United States - Kansas City

Today, I was going to record a song I wrote for my dad, who I haven't spoke to in a couple of years. After getting things together, I called my mom to let her know I'd be doing this. She informed me he died. A year ago. FML

agreeclassic 2 633

vote type 1 458

Stinky

By Carolina R-h - 18/06/2019 16:30

Today, my 2-year-old woke up from her nap with a full diaper, then decided to climb down from her bed and got stuck under the railing, leaving a stinky trail of poop everywhere. FML

agreeclassic 1 536

vote type 1 257

Teenage Kicks

By M. Moore - 12/06/2019 22:00

Today, I was gathering laundry around the house. I forgot my son was almost 13, and grabbed the very stiff socks from under his bed with my bare hands. FML

agreeclassic 2 126

vote type 1 427

Nice…

By MexyBoy - 11/06/2019 16:08

Today, I wanted to do something nice for my mom. So, while she was sleeping, I cleaned the whole house for her and even made her breakfast. A few minutes later, she came downstairs and yelled at me to keep it down because she was trying to sleep. FML

agreeclassic 1 922

vote type 1 307

By M. Moore - 10/06/2019 18:00

Today, my 12-year-old son came home after a week with his father. He was still wearing the same socks and underwear I sent him out with. FML

agreeclassic 2 151

vote type 1 245

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

By jasmine - 10/06/2019 14:00

Today, my daughter is 16 hours-old and cries every time I pick her up, and refuses to be breast fed. She loves sleeping peacefully in her dad’s arms, and being bottle-fed by him. My 16 hour-old baby hates me. FML

agreeclassic 2 260

vote type 1 350

By whale14 - 06/06/2019 16:00

Today, I was in the newspaper for my soccer accomplishments. It was supposed to be my day in the spotlight. I went home to find out that my little sister had sprained her ankle in P.E. Not only did nobody in my family read the article in the paper, I'm now doing all of my sister's chores. FML

agreeclassic 1 911

vote type 1 239

The truth will out

By Anonymous - 04/06/2019 22:00

Today, despite all my begging for him to at least be civil, my son started his eulogy at his dad's funeral with the words, “Let me tell you a few things about the bastard in the coffin over there.” It only got worse. FML

agreeclassic 2 461

vote type 1 710

By Frouse - 04/06/2019 16:00

Today, after getting home from work late last night and feeling lazy, I'd put my leftover dinner in the microwave, spoon and all. I wake up to find one of the kids started the microwave and it blew up because of the metal spoon. FML

agreeclassic 711

vote type 1 2 698

By TotaledBeamer - 03/06/2019 22:09

Today, I found out how much damage my neighbor's 5-year-old kid can do to my brand-new BMW with a baseball bat. FML

agreeclassic 2 310

vote type 1 167

True

By Anonymous - 02/06/2019 16:09

Today, I found out that my 8-year-old daughter somehow learned how babies are made. Sort of. I found this out when we had the open house at her school where she meets her new teachers. When one teacher asked where she was from, she replied, "My daddy's balls." FML

agreeclassic 2 073

vote type 1 257

Potterheads

By collegestudent - 01/06/2019 12:00

Today, I was reading the seventh Harry Potter book at an airport. A woman asked me what I was reading, so I told her. She said, "Oh, so you have children?" Since I'm in my early twenties, I was taken aback and said no. She replied slower and louder, "Oh, so you have a childlike mind?" FML

agreeclassic 2 153

vote type 1 364

You ******* idiot

By Handuh15 - 31/05/2019 16:00

Today, I was babysitting with my best friend, watching my one-year-old cousin. We thought it would be funny to say a bunch of swear words in front of him, since he didn't know how to talk. Five minutes later, guess what his first word was? And guess who won't be invited over for a while? FML

agreeclassic 532

vote type 1 3 290

By Kelly - 26/05/2019 20:30

Today, my mom dropped me off at a friend's house. Upon leaving, my friend's mom said how much I looked like my mother. My mother then replied, "That's funny, she was adopted." This was the first I'd heard of this. FML

agreeclassic 2 395

vote type 1 151

By Anonymous - 26/05/2019 17:15

Today, I got a call from my 14-year-old step-daughter while I was out. She'd left nail polish in her pocket when she'd tried to wash the clothes. I now have hot pink streaks on most of my work clothes. FML

agreeclassic 1 765

vote type 1 137

Surprise!

By Idiot - 26/05/2019 02:00

Today, I was in a store with my mom. I wandered off, then walked around looking for her. I spotted her, and decided to put on a ski mask to give her a scare for a laugh. I hid around a corner and yelled "BOO!" when I saw her. It wasn't my mom, and I'm now banned from that store. FML

agreeclassic 790

vote type 1 2 294

By Fat Bastard - 20/05/2019 04:02

Today, my son bought me some Slimfast for my birthday. FML

agreeclassic 1 831

vote type 1 318

By Kurt's Dad - 15/05/2019 16:04

Today, during my grandmother's funeral, my talented ten-year-old son found the church organ and began playing Smells Like Teen Spirit. FML

agreeclassic 1 786

vote type 1 329

By SwaggyP - 09/05/2019 16:00

Today, we got the IQ test results back, which show our daughter is on the high end of the genius scale. This confirms what my wife and I have long feared: our 6-year-old is FAR smarter than we are. No wonder she wins all the arguments we have. FML

agreeclassic 1 909

vote type 1 578

My pleasure, lady

By Semius - 08/05/2019 05:00

Today, I saved a young girl from drowning in a hotel pool with no lifeguards on duty. The girl's mother was too busy on her phone to notice what was happening, and when I called out to her, she started yelling at her daughter for going in too far. Never bothered to thank me for saving her kid either. FML

agreeclassic 2 145

vote type 1 168

By got to be kidding me - 02/05/2019 14:00 - United States - Cape Coral

Today, my eight-year-old daughter refused to use the port-a-potty at the fair. She preferred to piss her pants. FML

agreeclassic 2 030

vote type 1 298

By LowOnGas - 02/05/2019 18:00

Today, I drove my toddler to a schoolmate’s birthday party at a Chuck E. Cheese an hour drive away, only to find out the party is tomorrow. FML

agreeclassic 1 666

vote type 1 1 084

Creative

By Kymberly Hams - 09/04/2019 10:00 - Australia

Today, my toddler was supposed to be taking a nap. Instead, he decided it was the perfect time to remove his own nappy for the first time ever. He painted his walls, floor, bed and body, then started crying because he was dirty. FML

agreeclassic 2 077

vote type 1 346

Faith

By wtf mom?! - 06/04/2019 12:00

Today, I completely lost it when I found out my mom was driving around with my 20-month-old daughter not sat in a car seat. She told me I was overreacting, and that everything was fine since she “prayed for a safe journey.” FML

agreeclassic 2 885

vote type 1 240

Get me out of here

By fraz206 - 18/03/2019 16:00

Today, after feeling sick all day at work, my shift was about to end. Twenty minutes before I was able to clock out, some kid puked all over herself in the playground. FML

agreeclassic 2 006

vote type 1 177

Disinterested

By Forgetful godmother - 14/03/2019 16:00

Today, I learned that my son’s godmother forgot about the baptism date and booked a family holiday to Italy. Her mother is also on the trip and she is the officiant. I gave them both the date over 6 months ago. Everything is already booked on our side for that date. FML

agreeclassic 2 269

vote type 1 297

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Keywords

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Top

Today, I overheard my boss and a co-worker talking about me. Apparently when I speak, I slur my words so badly that it sounds like I'm speaking in tongues. According to my boss, "he could be possessed by a demon right now, and we'd never even notice." FML

agreeclassic 24 716

vote type 1 3 490

Today, I finally received the bicycle I ordered months ago. It was an expensive custom-made bike which perfectly fit my 6'9" frame. Today, that bike got stolen. FML

agreeclassic 50 605

vote type 1 4 398

Today, I found out I'm pregnant, after quitting my job because they asked us to work for free due to COVID. So because I quit, I'm no longer eligible for maternity leave. I didn’t know that I was 4 months pregnant. I could've just gotten a doctor's note for medical reasons. FML

agreeclassic 1 044

vote type 1 517

Today, my car alarm went off during a funeral. Three times. FML

agreeclassic 24 811

vote type 1 3 761

Today, I was calling my husband while driving. While the phone rang, I farted. As soon as the horrid smell hit my nose, my husband answered. I panicked and hung up quickly, thinking to myself how embarrassed I was because he could smell it. I'm an idiot. FML

agreeclassic 9 657

vote type 1 38 149

Today, I've been getting calls for over a week on my home phone, cell phone, and the work phone at my night shift, in which someone whispers terrifying Satanic-sounding chants at me. I've now found out that the caller is my best "friend". His explanation: "You seemed lonely, man." FML

agreeclassic 47 847

vote type 1 4 676