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By sly - 25/10/2010 22:09 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to come over and surprise me. When he got to my apartment and heard the shower running, he decided get in and join me. I was walking my dog, my mother is in town for the weekend. FML

agreeclassic 47 123

vote type 1 4 464

By Anonymous - 17/05/2013 20:10 - United States

Today, I went to a local Indian takeaway, since I'm from India originally, and none of my friends speak Hindi. I went up to the counter and placed my order in Hindi with the seemingly Indian owner. He gave me a weird look and said, "Huh? Speak English, ya rimjob." FML

agreeclassic 47 122

vote type 1 13 517

By coop42 - 15/01/2014 19:22 - United States - Hortonville

Today, my boyfriend was playing with my hair, when his hand got caught. He ended up ripping out a handful of hair trying to get it free. FML

agreeclassic 47 119

vote type 1 6 084

By Anonymous - 25/10/2010 16:24 - United States

Today, I found out that my 43 year-old wife has been having a cyber relationship with a 14 year-old kid on Halo. FML

agreeclassic 47 114

vote type 1 4 491

Bad boy

By a-non - 02/02/2009 15:57 - United States

Today, I realized that the dog humping my leg was the most action I've gotten in months. FML

agreeclassic 47 113

vote type 1 8 222

By Anonymous - 31/05/2009 03:34 - United States

Today, I met this really nice guy at the mall and he gave me his number. Later that night, I texted him. We got on the subject of food, and I started talking about how much I love veal. He responded with saying I was supporting animal murder, that I should go to hell and lose his number. FML

agreeclassic 47 109

vote type 1 20 662

By Suprise - 17/08/2013 04:38 - United States

Today, as I returned home, I noticed some movement inside my house. Thinking it was a break-in, I called 911. It was my friends and some coworkers trying to throw me a surprise birthday party. Nobody's said a word to me since. FML

agreeclassic 47 107

vote type 1 8 947

By NiquetChrome - 14/04/2013 23:18 - France

Today, I borrowed my 23-year-old son's laptop. The sticky keyboard gave me a good idea of his browsing history. FML

agreeclassic 47 106

vote type 1 14 104

By cduttl1230 - 26/06/2010 00:30 - United States

Today, after getting my appendix taken out, we had to drive over five sets of railroad tracks. Then, my four year-old brother decided to punch me in the stomach because, "I took away his mommy for two days." FML

agreeclassic 47 106

vote type 1 3 335

By NestHead - 01/10/2013 17:32 - Russian Federation - Moscow

Today, my two parrots decided that my head was the best place to have sex. FML

agreeclassic 47 105

vote type 1 5 870

By Stung - 19/06/2009 04:32 - United States

Today, the weather was nice so I decided to eat outside. I quickly found out that my new, expensive hair conditioner attracts bees. Lots of bees. FML

agreeclassic 47 105

vote type 1 6 738

By his word vs mine = me suspended - 10/08/2013 18:41 - United Kingdom - Stockport

Today, I was carrying a stack of paperwork at work, when my pen rolled off and onto the floor. As soon as I bent down to pick it up, a nearby co-worker, who's always hated me, accused me of putting on a show and sexually harassing him. He actually followed up by reporting me to HR. FML

agreeclassic 47 104

vote type 1 3 100

By nicknick2 - 18/05/2011 16:08 - United States

Today, I was at Walmart with my mom, when a guy next to me let out a series of vicious farts. Assuming it was me, my mom chewed me out in front of the guy and made me apologize. The man looked at my mom and said, "Children, they're so immature." FML

agreeclassic 47 102

vote type 1 3 922

Thanks, I guess…

By omfgmaya - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Denmark

Today, my boyfriend took me to his place to meet his parents. When they saw me, they laughed. FML

agreeclassic 47 098

vote type 1 4 045

Thanks Mom

By snore - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - Mexico - Mexico

Today, I was feeling really depressed and ended up asking my mom why guys aren't interested in me. She replied with a laundry list of reasons, including, "Hair. Boobs. Face. Everything." FML

agreeclassic 47 096

vote type 1 5 728

By Anonymous - 13/05/2009 07:13 - United States

Today, I was cleaning my apartment because I'm moving. I was being really thorough so I could get as much of the damage deposit back as possible. I noticed I still had one of those 3M plastic hooks on the wall, and when I went to carefully take it off, a large chunk of the wall came with it. FML

agreeclassic 47 094

vote type 1 8 490

By Anonymous - 23/12/2012 17:52 - United States - Bel Air

Today, I received a package from a local guy on Craigslist. Instead of the iPhone I paid $350 for, the box only contained a photo of an iPhone. The guy had been dumb enough to attach a return address, so my husband went over and beat the shit out of him. I now have to bail him out of jail. FML

agreeclassic 47 094

vote type 1 13 579

Dad prank #9866

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Sweden

Today, I had to basically ground my own husband, after he tricked our 6-year-old son into getting his tongue stuck to a frozen pole. FML

agreeclassic 47 093

vote type 1 5 026

By steak through the heart - 18/11/2014 18:57 - United States - El Monte

Today, I went on a date. I took her out to an expensive steak house. When she was done eating, she got up, said she was married, and told me she only accepted the date because I'd be paying for it. FML

agreeclassic 47 093

vote type 1 4 131

By AFGirlfriend - 28/03/2011 19:10 - United States

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. My boyfriend and I have been dying to have kids together. This would be an exciting moment if he wasn't deploying in June and will miss everything except the morning sickness. FML

agreeclassic 47 092

vote type 1 6 958

Bathroom police

By badparent - 08/04/2013 04:26 - Australia - Southport

Today, my 16-year-old son convinced my 14-year-old daughter that she wasn't allowed to use the ladies bathroom at the shopping centre, because she wasn't wearing a dress like the girl on the sign. He told her girls in pants always used the other one. She believed him. This is my legacy. FML

agreeclassic 47 092

vote type 1 6 959

**** McGee

By Anonymous - 24/01/2014 05:15 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was applying for jobs online when my father called. When I told him what I was doing, he said in all seriousness that I should just be a sugar baby. I said he must be joking, but he replied, "Honey, if I had your tits, I'd never work a day in my life." FML

agreeclassic 47 091

vote type 1 5 152

By Anonymous - 14/05/2014 19:23 - Canada - Sudbury

Today, I received a $20 gift card to Tim Horton's as a prize, and decided to use it. At the register, I was told that I'd essentially won an empty gift card. FML

agreeclassic 47 091

vote type 1 4 131

By jill - 25/02/2014 16:59 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend about some recent family drama my sister has been causing. He quickly lost interest and started jacking off right next to me. FML

agreeclassic 47 088

vote type 1 8 191

By Bob - 20/06/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, while teaching at a daycare, a child came up to me and asked if he could go to the bathroom. Obviously, I said it was fine. He then pulled his pants down, and pee on my brand new shoes, and all over my leg. FML

agreeclassic 47 087

vote type 1 4 741

Underfunded and underappreciated

By lrn2spel, teach - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Mogadore

Today, I got back the essay I wrote about how my country's education system is fucked. At one point, I made a spelling mistake. My teacher wrote a note about it, basically calling me illiterate, and telling me to pay attention in school instead of whining about it. She misspelled "school". FML

agreeclassic 47 085

vote type 1 4 690

Nice!

By ugh thanks - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Dayton

Today, I asked my husband to tell me something nice about myself. He thought for a few moments, then said, "Uh, you shit quietly." FML

agreeclassic 47 083

vote type 1 6 914

By teentee401 - 07/07/2014 17:04 - United States - Canonsburg

Today, I hugged my dad. Since I don't hug him very much, he was confused. When I pulled away from him, smiling, he slapped me, saying the smiling and the hug made it look like I was "up to something." FML

agreeclassic 47 082

vote type 1 6 874

teentee401 app_comment_confession_title

teentee401 36

Tuesday 8 July 2014 2:57

Nope, I'm pretty sure that isn't it since I'm a girl.

By Username - 18/10/2010 12:03 - France

Today, my boyfriend called and told me he had cheated on me with a minor. She's claiming it was rape and is going to put him in jail. He asked me to help him pay for his attorney. FML

agreeclassic 47 082

vote type 1 4 030

Happy Caturday!

By cat lady - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - Norway - Egersund

Today, I learned that while other people drunk call their exes, I drunk adopt cats. Seven cats, to be exact. FML

agreeclassic 47 082

vote type 1 11 831

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Today, I walked in on my husband drinking the breast milk I had bottled for our child. His defense was that it's easy to confuse the container for the normal milk with the one for the breast milk. Can someone please explain to me how a person can confuse a milk carton with a baby bottle? FML

agreeclassic 5 386

vote type 1 557

Today, the guy I buy weed from invited me to have Easter dinner with his family, since I've nowhere else to go. FML

agreeclassic 24 412

vote type 1 5 265

Today, I was trying to be dirty with my fiancé. He got really into the roleplaying and wouldn't stop pretending to be a cop for hours. Mood officially killed. FML

agreeclassic 20 639

vote type 1 4 357

Today, I was woken up to my mother screaming obscenities at me, all because I threw up last night after days of not feeling well, and the flushing of the toilet afterwards woke her up. FML

agreeclassic 31 628

vote type 1 2 134

Today, I used a public toilet. After I did my business in the stall and walked out, I was confronted by the sight of a man standing on tip-toes, holding his penis up to the automatic hand-dryer. Doubt I'll get that image out of my head any time soon. FML

agreeclassic 54 776

vote type 1 5 645

Today, I was on a roller coaster and this 13 year old sitting next to me was completely terrified. To cheer him up, I threw my hands in the air. While my hands were up, we hit a curve and I elbowed him in the face, making him cry. FML

agreeclassic 450

vote type 1 74