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The all-time greatest FMLs

Surprise!

By Anonymous - 12/04/2024 19:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my 58 year-old mother told me she’s having a baby. Apparently she hasn’t started menopause yet, but assumed from her age she wouldn’t get pregnant when she started seeing a man she goes to bingo with. 58 years-old. My little brother/sister is going to be 36 years younger than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 562

You deserved it 93

Body clock

By what - 03/09/2023 08:00

Today, I decided to turn over a new leaf. I slept eleven hours instead of twelve, with the intention of cutting down to eight. Instead, my body chose to faint from exhaustion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 562

You deserved it 221

Smile like you mean it

By sad - 24/08/2021 08:01

Today, I was feeling sad and depressed at work, when a customer said, “Smile. It’s nice and sunny outside.” Sunny weather makes me depressed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 562

You deserved it 679

Barbarians

By Anonymous - 08/04/2024 09:00 - United States - Dallas

Today, although I received a good grade for my science project, it was disqualified for the science fair that I'd hoped to enter. A beautiful scale model of our solar system was ruined by the Cro-Magnons in one of the other classes; I found pieces of it scattered all over the classroom. The teacher did nothing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 561

You deserved it 90

Bad guy

By randy - 16/04/2024 00:00 - United States

Today, my cheating ex is telling everyone she knows that I'm a stalker, abuser, and manipulator. I was always there for her and was trying to talk to her. The other guy was the guy she lost her V-card to in high school. He deals drugs, and beat his ex, even her back in the day. She has nothing but praise for him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 561

You deserved it 98

First amendment issue

By God please make it stop - 03/08/2023 22:00

Today, my four year-old son has reached the phase where yelling random words is funny. I can't go five minutes without hearing, "CHICKEN NUGGET!" or "KALAMAZOO!" or "STINKY SOCKS!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 561

You deserved it 279

By dorianseiji - 11/03/2015 20:37 - France - Amiens

Today, I ate an apple. My sister then walks in dressed as a witch, and asks, "Have you seen my poisoned apple?" She was playing at Snow White, and the apple had been dipped in the toilet, the cat's food bowl and the garbage can. FML

I agree, your life sucks 561

You deserved it 113

By jilted - 21/03/2009 07:15 - United States

Today, my husband of 9 years announced he was gay. He insinuated that he was only able to achieve erections because I looked like a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 561

You deserved it 45

By Anonymous - 13/09/2009 21:23 - United States

Today, I was helping my dad move into his new house. It's a 4-bedroom house and he has three kids so it's perfect. I was wandering around and noticed that the first bedroom is his, the second is my older brother's, the third is my younger sister's, and the fourth is an office. I have no room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 561

You deserved it 43

Know this of me…

By thefmlman2011 - 02/09/2023 08:02 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I was going to ask out a girl I work with, only to find out that not only is she in a relationship, she’s also a lesbian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 561

You deserved it 250

Diddums

By Anonymous - 15/06/2024 05:00 - United Kingdom

Today, due to an emergency, I ended up working for 18 hours instead of 13. I'd texted my unemployed wife to let her know this was unavoidable, but when I got home she blamed me like she thought I planned this in advance, yelled at me, and my dinner was Heinz tomato soup I had to heat up myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 561

You deserved it 115

Hot hot hot

By Anonymous - 03/06/2022 12:00

Today, I'm in hospital. During date night, after sex was over, I reached for my whiskey. I was already so drunk, I accidentally picked up the lit candle which was in a glass roughly the same size as my whiskey glass, and poured melted wax in my mouth, up my nose, and in my eyes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 561

You deserved it 2 307

Knowledge is power

By asuramaru - 24/10/2019 16:00

Today, at 19 years-old, I found out that kiwi birds aren’t actually extinct. FML

I agree, your life sucks 561

You deserved it 1 298

Territorial

By GoddamnCat - 13/07/2023 01:00 - United States - Carson City

Today, I'm very tired because last night my cat decided to announce to the world that another cat had wandered into the backyard at the top of his lungs. At 2 AM. FML

I agree, your life sucks 561

You deserved it 185

My good boy

By Anonymous - 23/03/2025 14:00 - United States - Anaheim

Today, my husband is divorcing me because I refused to sign off on the paperwork to break our kids’ trust funds or mortgage our house in order to pay for surgery for his 12 year-old dog. Yeah, it’s not like our kids need a future or a place to live or anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 560

You deserved it 188

By Maxime - 28/02/2014 00:32 - France - Paris

Today, I called a company for a problem with our septic tank. Two workers show up, I take them into the garden to show them the manhole cover at the top of it. They open it up. We then gaze upon a sea of condoms floating on the surface. My wife and I don't use condoms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 560

You deserved it 41

Road movie

By Anonymous - 17/10/2022 12:00

Today, I threw up while on a road trip. My boyfriend asked what made me sick, but I didn't want to tell him that his belching the entire time smelled so goddamn bad it made me physically sick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 560

You deserved it 771

Alexa, play "Back to the old house" by The Smiths

By I wanna go back - 10/06/2024 23:00 - United States

Today, it's officially been a year since my grandma passed away. I still have the occasional dream where I go to her house and she's right there, waiting for me, after which I wake up sobbing because it will never happen again. I don't wanna be an adult anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 560

You deserved it 104

Hold on…

By Anonymous - 16/07/2024 21:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I got home and my elderly mum was on the house phone on hold. She had rung the number next to a crossword to complain that the crossword was unsolvable because they'd made a spelling mistake. I looked at the display; she’d been on hold for 6 hours at £1 a minute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 560

You deserved it 72

Horn section

By Anonymous - 09/03/2021 21:30

Today, I matched with someone on a dating app. The first thing they said to me was, "What is the chance that you are the trombone player living below me and would you please stop playing after 9 p.m.?" I am that trombone player and due to Covid I have to practice a lot in my apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 560

You deserved it 1 845

Domestic Dispute on the Road

By FML Approved - 11/09/2017 03:30

Hang in there, buddy!

I agree, your life sucks 560

You deserved it 136

Chill out, Mom

By Anonymous - 16/03/2024 03:00 - United States - Dallas

Today, my mom is in hysterics, all because I told her I don't want to get married or have kids, and I'm not interested in dating anyone. I'm 16. FML

I agree, your life sucks 560

You deserved it 112

Hangover blues

By VibeCheck - 10/03/2020 07:57

Today, I woke up hungover and went to the kitchen for some food. I saw what I thought was a blueberry muffin. Halfway through eating it, I realized I couldn’t taste any blueberries, so I tried another one. I then remembered my dad telling me to throw out any old food we had. It was mould. FML

I agree, your life sucks 560

You deserved it 1 870

By bittersweet - 08/02/2009 03:08 - United States

Today, I texted my boyfriend saying "Hi." His response: "I got your best friend pregnant". FML

I agree, your life sucks 560

You deserved it 45

Check this out!

By Anonymous - 15/04/2024 05:00

Today, my brother let us know his wife was in labour. I rang him a few hours later to ask how it was going. I wasn’t expecting him to switch to video chat to show me “The Miracle.” I now know what my sister-in-law's vagina looks like in the middle of birth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 560

You deserved it 136

Time to shine

By lukey101 - 07/09/2023 22:00

Today, I was flattered to receive a hand-addressed letter for the first time in years. I tore it open to discover it was actually addressed to my dog. It was a vaccination reminder from his vet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 560

You deserved it 146

Paranoid

By Anonymous - 02/04/2024 15:00 - United States

Today, my boss was hosting some client representatives for a meeting and had offered to buy everyone lunch. The "healthy" place he's ordering from made me sick last time, so I'd politely opted out. At lunch, the reps glared at me in the meeting room as I ate my homemade chili con carne. Turns out they're all vegans. FML

I agree, your life sucks 560

You deserved it 158

Unsettling

By life of cuck, never good enough - 05/10/2024 00:00 - United States - New York

Today, not only have I been cheated on in every relationship until where I am right now, I learned my current wife is fucking a guy 15 years younger than us. When we were both his age and post-grad, she turned me down several times. She didn't give me a chance until five years ago when she "wanted to settle." FML

I agree, your life sucks 560

You deserved it 224

FML by proxy

By Everything Counts - 10/09/2023 16:00 - United States

Today, my brother's life was ripped apart. His wife has chosen to no longer be his wife and is trying to keep his dog as well. My brother has always been proud of his family and hopeful for the future. He will spring back, but this came out of left field. FML

I agree, your life sucks 560

You deserved it 125

Dodged a bullet

By whatever - 08/06/2025 09:00 - United States - Edison

Today, I went on a coffee date with a new girl. It was over less than a minute in, when I ordered a black coffee. She lectured me about how I "obviously" have a "seriously fragile ego." I just like black coffee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 560

You deserved it 71

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The Top

Today, my parents came to my house for my birthday. My mom backed her car into my motorcycle, knocking it over. She said because it was my birthday I could pay for the damages to her car later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 039

You deserved it 2 175

Today, there's a stray black cat in my apartment complex. It had badly bitten me two months ago and I had to get several injections. Today the same cat barged into my flat when I opened the door to receive a delivery, and it attacked my cat. I barely managed to fight and push him out of my flat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 463

You deserved it 102

Today, I was on a train when I felt the unsettling urge to vomit. I ran to the toilet, but there was someone in there, with another waiting in the corridor. Out of time, and luck, I projectile-vomited into a bin built into the wall. The man waiting for the toilet looked truly traumatised. FML

I agree, your life sucks 917

You deserved it 95

Today, I was singing to my cat and she reached up and put her paw over my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 100

You deserved it 38 842

Today, my partner and I were informed by the man we had a three-way with, the first one after having finally screwed up the courage to do it, that he has mono. I don't feel so good. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 556

You deserved it 38 445

Today, while on vacation, I found out that my boyfriend moved out. He had claimed that he couldn't come with me because his boss messed up his time off request, and for the last two days he said he'd been "cleaning". FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 490

You deserved it 317