The Top

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So romantic

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Middleboro

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me by handing me a ring and saying, "Let's get this dumb shit over and done with." FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 521

You deserved it 2 020

Run faster

By Noname - 15/03/2009 19:32 - United States

Today, I went for a jog in my neighborhood. While I was running I passed my girlfriend's parents who were out for a walk. Trying to make a good impression, I stopped to talk. When I got home I realized I was wearing a shirt that friends gave me as a joke. It said "Blow me, bitch. It's my b-day." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 177

You deserved it 79 319

Manchild

By babysheets - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Uruguay

Today, I washed my sheets. They wouldn't dry quick enough, so I had to use my old Buzz Lightyear sheets. My new girlfriend took it upon herself to become a damn psychic and pay me a surprise visit right there and then. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 055

You deserved it 4 522

Bear with me

By bear food - 08/01/2014 04:37 - United States - Anaheim

Today, my friends and I went camping in the woods. I fell asleep first. Waking up hours later to them bunched up together in the middle of the tent and me half-way outside, I confronted them about it. They admitted, "We heard a bear so we needed a sacrifice." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 760

You deserved it 5 551

By ihatelongflights - 21/08/2009 16:18 - United States

Today, I was on a flight coming back home. On my right was a fat monk who was snoring very loudly, and on my left there were two old women who were talking about their teenage love lives in detail. The flight was 17 hours long. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 771

You deserved it 3 028

Breaking news

By Anonymous - 22/12/2013 06:17 - United States - Roseville

Today, I was helping my mom look for some money she'd misplaced. At my wit's end, I flipped through her diary, in case she'd hidden it between the pages as she has before. Didn't find the money, but I did find out she might well be cheating on my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 439

You deserved it 8 317

Get me the manager

By WhyMe - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I called the car repair shop to complain to the manager about their tow driver who keeps making sexual passes at me. The girl taking my call started crying and said that their driver was her husband. I'm being sexually harassed, my car is dead, and I think I just ended a marriage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 240

You deserved it 4 434

By Michigan - 05/02/2009 01:18 - United States

Today, I walked past a man handing out miniature Bibles on my way to class. He handed me one, commenting "here, you look like you need this." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 754

You deserved it 4 877

Freakout

By Anonymous - 20/03/2015 16:56 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I had to take a dump at work. I walked into the bathroom and opened a stall, only to find what I can only describe as a fecal crime scene. It was like a turd had exploded mid-air. It was so vile, my anxiety kicked in and I broke down into a sobbing panic attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 419

You deserved it 3 664

Branching out

By Anonymous - 08/12/2012 09:28 - Australia - Weston

Today, I thought it would be nice to park my new car under a big, shady oak tree to prevent it from heating up in the sun. The big, shady oak tree thought it would be nice to shed a massive branch on top of my new car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 020

You deserved it 4 161

Powerful

By Noguestlist - 02/03/2011 08:16

Today, on the train, a cute girl gave me her number. After maybe half an hour, she went to her seat and I went to the toilet for a quick but loud and painful dump. I opened the door and saw her outside getting bitch-slapped by the smell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 589

You deserved it 9 963

By notanightowlanymore - 05/01/2016 17:44 - United States - Clyde

Today, my grandfather showed up at my house in a panic. He rushed over, with a gun, because I wasn't answering his texts and he thought something had happened to me. I was asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 342

You deserved it 2 137

Close call

By Purple - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Fremont

Today, my dad told me that my mom wanted to name me something "unusual." He eventually got her to compromise. I go by Violet. I now know that my legal name is Purple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 875

You deserved it 3 003

By The Selfie Parent - 04/11/2014 21:48 - Canada - Mount Pearl

Today, I looked at my twelve-year-old daughter's test. One of the question was, "When is a good time to worry about your parents?" Her answer was, "When they take selfies, because selfies aren't made for old people." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 985

You deserved it 6 645

By sufia - 29/09/2016 11:14 - Pakistan

Today, I was traveling. At airport security, the woman patting me down felt something "down there" and asked me what I was wearing. I told her it was a sanitary napkin. She put her hands inside my pants just to be sure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 377

You deserved it 1 183

Customer service

By Anonymous - 08/08/2015 22:23 - United States - Gainesville

Today, I had to serve an incredibly rude and irrationally angry customer, but I managed to keep my cool. When he finally went to leave with his purchase, I wished him a good day. He whirled around and yelled, "I'll have whatever the fuck kind of day I want, bitch!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 080

You deserved it 2 159

By Anonymous - 04/04/2014 17:26 - Dominican Republic - Santo Domingo

Today, I was feeling adventurous and decided to freeball it to school. As I went to sit down during first class, I managed to sit on my own balls, scream, then collapse on the floor gasping. My teacher thought I was screwing around and gave me detention. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 112

You deserved it 20 391

By boss_daughter - 20/05/2015 12:03 - United States

Today, while we were at a work party, I noticed a drunk lady in the mix. I pointed out to my boss how dumb she looked. It was his daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 588

You deserved it 14 274

Spooked

By broke - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I started my new job as a dishwasher, and was very excited since I've been broke for weeks. A few people dined and dashed, apparently for the first time in the restaurant's history. My boss is superstitious. She fired me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 902

You deserved it 2 408

By Anonymous - 27/02/2016 11:17 - United States

Today, I forgot to bring my lunch to work. I got so hungry, I resorted to eating antacid tablets from the medicine cabinet for lunch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 261

You deserved it 6 345

Weird flex, but OK

By mrwilly - 02/01/2015 03:22 - United States - Corona

Today, as usual, my boyfriend referred to his penis in the third person as "Mr. Willy". Even during sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 913

You deserved it 4 906

By Anonymous - 15/09/2013 21:16 - United States - Dover

Today, my grandmother opened the bathroom door to find me eating a spoonful of Nutella while on the toilet. She is convinced that I was eating my own shit and will not stop telling everybody. They believe her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 207

You deserved it 44 255

Hicks

By >_< - 30/08/2013 22:56 - United States - Richmond

Today, I took my girlfriend home to meet my parents. They thought it'd be hilarious to put on ridiculous accents and act like country hicks, spewing obscenities and strongly hinting that we're into incest. She soon left in disgust. I haven't heard back from her since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 661

You deserved it 6 338

You must be kidding me

By surfernerd6987 - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I received an email from a temp agency trying to hire me. Surprisingly, it was the same job I was just laid off from after two years of great employment. They were trying to hire me at half my original salary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 701

You deserved it 2 734

By Anonymous - 08/07/2013 15:15 - Canada - Markham

Today, I was walking down the street when someone pushed me into poison ivy. He ran off saying, "That's for beating me in the race." I've never been in a race, nor have I ever met him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 681

You deserved it 3 527

This charming dork

By Anonymous - 14/11/2015 11:47 - United States - Taunton

Today, I started to tell my step-dad about a funny video I came across online last night. He cut me off by saying, "Yeah? Well I came across your mom's face last night!" then left for work with a shit-eating grin on his face. I could've gone the rest of my life without knowing that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 397

You deserved it 2 085

By pianoplayer - 22/05/2013 01:57 - Canada - Mackenzie

Today, my neighbors called the police and said that they saw, through the window, a suspicious person in my house doing something to my piano. The "suspicious person" was me, in my own house, playing my own piano. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 602

You deserved it 2 852

By Anonymous - 07/05/2013 12:48 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, it's my birthday. I worked late, so I was looking forward to spending a quiet evening with my husband. When he suggested we go grocery shopping, I got excited thinking he had organized a surprise party or something. He actually just took me grocery shopping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 200

You deserved it 9 701

Classy

By bkay26 - 29/08/2010 15:37 - United States

Today, I walked in on my mom giving my dad head. Acting like I hadn't seen anything, I asked if I could use a towel sitting on the dresser. My mom said, "No, we're going to need that one." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 842

You deserved it 7 669

TMI

By SoggyPancakes - 11/03/2009 19:49 - United States

Today, I decided to call my wife while she was having a private lunch with my parents. I began to tell her all the nasty things I was going to do to her in bed. Halfway through my fantasy, she giggled and told me that she was going to take me off speakerphone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 836

You deserved it 71 938

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The Top

Today, I went on the road for work for the first time in a very long time. I was enjoying lunch with coworkers when my phone got bombarded with calls and texts. Turns out my wife and my mother had gotten into a fight within two hours of me being away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 999

You deserved it 1 044

Today, I had to bring my youngest (a 3 year-old) with me to my therapist's, due to not having childcare. After waiting 10 minutes, the receptionist called me up to the desk to inform me that my therapist wouldn’t be seeing me, because of my child being there. Nothing like wasting an hour of my time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 923

You deserved it 767

Today, my 7-month-old spit up on the floor. My 3-year-old puts their hands in it, sniffed, and puked. Then sticks their hands in their own puke, sniffed, and puked again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 665

You deserved it 252

Today, I’m on vacation in Peru in the Amazonian forest. I woke up in the middle of the night to the noise of a snake moving around on my bed. I screamed so loudly that one of the locals woke up and came to have a look. When I explained, he laughed his ass off and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 648

You deserved it 98

Today, I spent over an hour shovelling the walkway and driveway, snow blowing in my face and down my coat. When I was finally finished, a guy started going through the neighborhood plowing everyone's driveways for them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 483

You deserved it 2 990

Today, on a plane, a little kid was kicking the back of my son's chair. When the kid's mom went to the toilet, my son told this little kid, "If you kick my chair one more time, I’m going to kill your mom and you’ll never see her again." He stopped kicking but damn, what kind of son did I raise? FML

I agree, your life sucks 417

You deserved it 255