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By oh_its_true - 18/09/2009 19:23 - United States

Today, I had a blind date with a girl someone in my office set me up with. Before the waitress returned with our drinks, this girl asked me to go to her parent's house and pretend to be the father of her yet unborn child because the real father is a drug addict and in jail for stealing her dad's car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 138

You deserved it 3 417

oh_its_true tells us more.

oh_its_true 0

Saturday 19 September 2009 19:47

To those who think she made it up to get out of the date...i initially thought the same thing too. so i said "listen, you dont have to make up some crappy story like you are on Jerry Springer. I am old enough to be told the truth." So then she started crying. Loudly. Which made everyone look at me like I was some jerk for making her cry. She then tells me its all true and she doesnt know what to do. I tell her maybe jail will straighten her man out and get him straight. I got up and walked out, passing the waitress who was on her way to our table with our drinks (to be fair, she ordered a coke)...i tossed around $40 on the tray and hit the door running. i later remembered that i left my gloves on the table... that is a totaly true story.

Road rage

By Anonymous - 12/02/2014 18:11 - United States

Today, a guy drove straight into an intersection, running a stop sign and narrowly missing my car. I had to swerve into a snow bank to avoid him. He stopped long enough to see that I had a toddler in my car, before flipping me off and driving away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 345

You deserved it 3 670

Help!

By ritz - 10/09/2009 14:15 - United States

Today, I was leaving my job at a huge mall. I couldn't find my car anywhere, so I panicked and flagged a security officer. I cried while he drove me around for miles in the endless parking lot. Then, suddenly, I remembered. My friend had dropped me off in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 583

You deserved it 56 265

Surveillance

By HiddlePuff - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - Australia

Today, while teaching my class, I hooked my laptop up to the projector and put on a documentary. I left it playing and went to the toilet. When I came back, the whole class was talking to my mother. She must've Skyped me while I was gone and someone answered the call. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 772

You deserved it 8 373

Full support

By Anna - 18/03/2010 12:20 - United States

Today, I called my dad at his new wife's house to inform him I was all set to graduate from community college with my associate degree and that we needed to sit down and plan how to pay for the 4 year degree, to which he replied, "All a girl needs is an associate degree." Thanks Dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 084

You deserved it 4 902

By baddriver - 31/01/2012 17:17 - United States

Today, I went to the DMV to get my license. I almost ran over my evaluator as he was walking to get in the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 017

You deserved it 24 609

I'm so hot and lonely

By lonely dreams - 01/01/2013 17:26 - United States - Reno

Today, I have been single and out of the game for so long that instead of having real wet dreams, I now dream about jacking off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 427

You deserved it 6 805

Trickster

By parker1993 - 03/02/2011 18:53 - United States

Today, while waiting for a job interview, a woman sat down next to me and asked if I was here for the job too. Thinking she was also an applicant, I tried to demoralise her, and said the job was going to be a complete joke. With that, she stood up and said, "Do you still want to go into my office?" She was the interviewer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 922

You deserved it 77 543

Rookie

By aceshot97 - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I saw a 10 dollar bill on the street. As I went to grab it, it was pulled away by a string. I don't know what's worse, the fact that I was tricked by teenagers, or that I tripped and fell as I went for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 215

You deserved it 7 731

By Anonymous - 01/02/2011 13:43 - United States

Today, I was startled awake at 4am by a loud and awful sound. Completely serious, I asked my fiancé if he had just shit his pants. His response: giggles followed by a softly whispered "maybe". FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 174

You deserved it 5 340

By JJ_V3N0M - 03/01/2015 10:48 - United States - San Francisco

Today, it was my girlfriend's birthday, so I decided to take her to a fancy restaurant and give her an expensive $400 necklace that I had bought. Being traditional, I asked the waiter to arrange it nicely on the tray when he came with our dessert. Neither he nor the necklace ever showed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 977

You deserved it 9 431

By Anonymous - 02/01/2010 13:33 - United States

Today, I went to visit my aunt who recently was released from an institution. She had leftover Christmas cookies so I began snacking on them. They tasted a bit off so I inquired about the ingredients. She told me they only had white icing so she used Crayola markers to give them color. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 638

You deserved it 5 829

By weirdthingtosay - 21/11/2014 09:56 - United States - Kalama

Today, I was getting to second base with a really hot guy, but I couldn't stop laughing when he said my boobs were "soft like cake." He got so embarrassed that he lost his boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 930

You deserved it 11 932

That backfired

By Alexander D. - 14/07/2012 00:48 - United States

Today, I was fired for telling a customer's kid to shut his mouth. As revenge, I sent the CEO a picture I acquired months ago of my boss drunkenly pissing on a cow. He wrote that it was the funniest thing he had ever seen, and that I am "clearly an insufferable killjoy; a total liability to the company." FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 685

You deserved it 37 274

In training

By anonymous - 16/11/2009 06:00 - Japan

Today, after months of trying to potty train my son, he finally told me he used the potty. I went to the bathroom to check. There was nothing there. So I asked him, "Where did you go to the potty?" He then grabbed my hand and took me to the cat's litter box. My son has successfully litter trained himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 283

You deserved it 4 077

Chill zone

By notnicefools - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - San Diego

Today, I went to visit my husband's grave. I was unable to mourn in peace because some teenagers were smoking pot and talking about a government conspiracy "to change the way gravity works" on the next grave over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 059

You deserved it 2 369

By FML136969 - 05/05/2013 23:30 - United States - Oxford

Today, I tried channeling Mr. Miyagi by catching a fly with my bare hands. It turned out to be a wasp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 778

You deserved it 50 356

Bye bye!

By Tickettoride - 04/05/2013 10:24 - Austria - Vienna

Today, my boyfriend and I stressed out preparing for our one week holiday. We packed for the whole day, said goodbye to everyone and arrived at the airport quite exhausted after a 45-minute train ride. Turns out our flight isn't until tomorrow. The check-in lady couldn't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 083

You deserved it 16 309

The Return of the Mullet

By faux ma - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Winter Park

Today, I told the hairdresser that my kid had cut my hair. I don't have kids. I was just really drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 349

You deserved it 33 284

Well, this is awkward

By Samantha - 29/03/2009 03:14 - Canada

Today, I was having lunch at a cafe. There was an attractive guy looking at me from another table. I smiled back and gave a little wink. A minute later he approached me. I introduced myself and asked if he wanted my number. He said, "Um, no but what are you eating? It looks really good" FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 215

You deserved it 21 880

The good old days

By WOWreally - 25/09/2009 06:24 - United States

Today, I decided to surprise my husband in the shower. I got in and we were talking and goofing around and I stuck out my chest and sucked in my stomach being stupid, and my husband said, "Wait! Do it again! That's how you looked when I first met you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 065

You deserved it 12 120

By whereismyprince? - 18/12/2013 17:01 - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, I met a great guy at the bar, and we went back to my place. He left before I woke up, leaving a badly-scrawled note saying, "Gone to work, call me!" I couldn't make out the number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 629

You deserved it 7 461

By mrrichkid - 06/03/2010 01:05 - United States

Today, my wife of four years confessed to me that she only married me for the money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 040

You deserved it 3 712

By ZG_Rules - 20/03/2015 14:38 - Netherlands - Wageningen

Today, I disproved a scientific theory created by my supervisor. He was furious and said that I shouldn't have tried to disprove him. He told me to continue working with his theory and now he threatens to fire me if I publish my work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 689

You deserved it 2 981

By Giggity - 21/02/2011 19:20 - United States

Today, I found out that the mysterious smell from under my bed was my cats collection of dead mice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 378

You deserved it 6 520

By sixsix - 24/12/2008 11:19 - France

Today, I made love to my girlfriend. I penetrated her for a while, then stopped to get my breath back... She carried on moaning even though I'd stopped moving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 210

You deserved it 8 682

By baddad - 23/09/2013 04:44 - United States

Today, I started shaking my son's Little Bill doll in frustration, as the batteries weren't working. My nosy neighbor saw through the window and called the cops. They wouldn't believe me and now the whole neighborhood thinks I'm a child abuser. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 545

You deserved it 7 794

By Anonymous - 17/10/2012 02:48 - United States

Today, I got married. I received a beautifully wrapped gift from my dad. I was full of excitement until I opened it and found two taxidermied rabbits. The ones I had when I was in the fifth grade. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 031

You deserved it 2 021

By CityBoysNow - 11/09/2013 00:14 - United States - Lake Saint Louis

Today, I hooked up with the guy I've liked for a while, even though my friends joked that his large pickup truck meant that he was "compensating" for having a small penis. They were right. Very right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 648

You deserved it 13 285

By mcpeepants - 08/01/2010 17:56 - United States

Today, I found out I've recently developed a bladder control issue. Every time I lift anything more than about fifteen pounds, I pee myself a little. I work in a warehouse. Heavy lifting is my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 307

You deserved it 2 699

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The Top

Today, my date asked if I could drive his friend home before we went out for breakfast. His friend had blonde hair, big boobs and wore a skimpy black dress. He wasn't 100% sure of her name. I guess I drove home my date's one night stand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 459

You deserved it 12 127

Today, my sister had an emotional breakdown because two guys love her and she can't pick just one. Meanwhile I'm single and spend my time laying treats on my floor in a pattern and watching my rabbit run in circles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 447

You deserved it 4 322

Today, I'm babysitting two 6 year old kids. One of them won't stop screaming, and the other kid found his mom's vibrator and won't stop playing spaceship with it. The parents will be home in an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 502

You deserved it 5 488

Today, I found out how it feels to have my groin catch fire due to a magic trick going wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 237

You deserved it 12 618

Today, I was roused from my peaceful slumber by the sound of evil laughter coming from my closet. It was my old Furby, with dead batteries, that I could have sworn I got rid of several years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 082

You deserved it 2 430

Today, in my job as an assistant at a music venue, I had to get posters signed by that night's performer. When I walked into the dressing room, I was told, "unless you're sucking my cock then get the fuck out of here" and had the posters slapped out of my hands. It's my job to deal with these pricks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 369

You deserved it 3 592