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By Garrett - 01/10/2009 05:58 - United States

Today, I was on my computer when the girl that I really like instant-messages me. I went to type back, accidentally pressed control-V, and posted an entire article on how to remove genital warts. FML

agreeclassic 16 021

vote type 1 46 585

By Fabio - 29/07/2016 00:13 - Malta - Piet?

Today, my girlfriend started insulting me on Facebook. Angry and hurt, I let it all out and insulted her back with her obesity. Turns out it was her brother who used her account to play a "prank" on me. FML

agreeclassic 8 994

vote type 1 20 048

By Username - 21/03/2012 17:10 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my boss recognized my shoes under the stall wall and had a conversation with me while we were both taking a dump. I had severe diarrhea. FML

agreeclassic 31 419

vote type 1 2 347

Busted

By Anonymous - 31/05/2015 04:47 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my hateful mother-in-law showed up unexpectedly. I faked taking a phone call so the bitter old hag would leave me alone. She then pulled out her phone, called my number, and glared at me as my phone rang against my ear. FML

agreeclassic 28 743

vote type 1 13 109

By M.L. - 06/09/2009 21:09 - United States

Today, I went on a busy train. I packed myself in close to a very good looking woman and, too scared to say anything, looked out the window. After feeling a hand on my ass, I assumed it was her. To not ruin the moment, I didn't look back. After a few stops, I looked back. It was an old man. FML

agreeclassic 38 491

vote type 1 12 804

By Noname - 20/02/2009 23:42 - United States

Today, I drunk dialed my mom and told her I was so high and drunk that I thought the KGB was coming after me. When I woke up this morning, my mom told me that she's no longer paying for college. FML

agreeclassic 20 439

vote type 1 125 077

By muffinmen1022 - 20/02/2009 05:27 - United States

Today, I went to Macy's to go shopping, I was wearing a shirt and tie and dressed nicely. Customers came up to me with questions, but I just ignored them. Minutes later, thinking I was an employee, the manager came and yelled at me, and threatened to fire me. FML

agreeclassic 46 455

vote type 1 11 833

By Anonymous - 03/05/2015 05:58 - Finland

Today, our new boss banned coffee from the workplace, comparing caffeine to hard drugs. His comparison may not be wrong; after two hours, I couldn't take it any more, and in between fantasising about his cold-blooded murder, I begged to be allowed just one last cup. FML

agreeclassic 32 486

vote type 1 5 068

By Anonymous - 03/03/2015 22:02 - Germany - Lahr

Today, after several sleepless nights full of crying, I went to my university's free help center. After telling the psychologist my problems and asking what to do, he looked at me blankly and said, "Uh, it's not depression, I guess. You should go out more and, like, party some more." FML

agreeclassic 33 649

vote type 1 3 338

By Anonymous - 03/10/2012 08:24 - United States

Today, after complaining that I had nothing to write about in my weekly journal for college, my professor suggested in front of everyone that I should get a girlfriend. FML

agreeclassic 22 928

vote type 1 6 739

Slipping up

By FastFlight - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my daughter used Pledge to clean the wooden staircase. I found out when I tried to walk down them in socks. FML

agreeclassic 48 790

vote type 1 5 153

A step too far

By Anonymous - 10/12/2010 02:23 - United States

Today, one my friends died. All my crying gave me a headache, so I asked my boyfriend to bring me some aspirin. My headache didn't go away. Instead, I got diarrhea because my boyfriend gave me laxatives instead of aspirin as a "joke" to cheer me up. FML

agreeclassic 59 019

vote type 1 4 399

Handy

By Employee - 07/08/2012 19:17 - United States - Lincoln

Today, while at work, I used the restroom. After I noticed we were out of paper towels, I just tried shaking my hands dry. I then readjusted my bra, since it'd been driving me crazy all day. After getting back to my cubicle, I realized that I had two wet handprints over my boobs. FML

agreeclassic 21 450

vote type 1 12 624

By gng2fckngkilluyoufckngfckr - 03/08/2012 18:31 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I found out that my girlfriend has been cheating on me. I also found out that my best friend knew about it all along. When I confronted him, he tried to justify the betrayal by saying that she paid him to keep quiet. FML

agreeclassic 26 495

vote type 1 2 002

By fatty - 14/08/2014 03:46 - United States - Madison

Today, I was chatting with the cute new receptionist at the gym. I told her that I would be going there more if she was there. She looked me up and down and said that I should go regardless. FML

agreeclassic 38 380

vote type 1 15 888

By Anonymous - 21/07/2011 16:40 - United States

Today, I missed a call from my mom. It's my birthday, and glad she remembered, I called back to thank her. She was surprised when I brought up going out for dinner, and asked me what the occasion was. FML

agreeclassic 36 718

vote type 1 2 783

By Anonymous - 30/10/2009 14:23 - United States

Today, my mother sent my birthday present to me four days late. It was a handy keychain blood alcohol detector so I can make sure I'm sober before I drive. FML

agreeclassic 26 863

vote type 1 7 706

By chinatownhobo - 08/04/2013 06:12 - Australia - Canberra

Today, while at a hospital, a prayer group circled me and started praying that God and the good doctors and nurses would heal me from the disease that disfigured my face. I was there to visit my sick grandmother. FML

agreeclassic 52 492

vote type 1 3 639

By Anonymous - 29/04/2011 02:24 - United States

Today, I returned home after a three-week trip to Jamaica. When I opened the door to my room, I was greeted by a swarm of bees and their enormous nest, which was attached to my doorknob. Apparently, I'd forgotten to close the window properly before I left. FML

agreeclassic 28 558

vote type 1 18 502

By Annoymous - 03/09/2009 10:19 - Australia

Today, walking home from work, I saw a little boy crying, so I crouched down to his eye level. I asked him what was wrong, his reply was to kick me in the groin. FML

agreeclassic 43 513

vote type 1 5 818

By gross - 11/06/2016 07:56 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, at 19 years of age, I finally saw a nude girl in real life. Specifically, my sister. FML

agreeclassic 14 820

vote type 1 2 094

By Kayla_BlowPop - 03/01/2014 08:34 - Canada - Amherst

Today, my water pipes froze and burst and I now have to take snow from my back yard and boil it down into water in order to flush my toilet. FML

agreeclassic 42 310

vote type 1 3 962

Kayla_BlowPop app_comment_confession_title

Kayla_BlowPop 21

Friday 3 January 2014 23:30

Hey, I'm the OP. My pipes burst at about 2:00 AM so I couldn't take water from neighbours or call a friend. We figured out they froze at like five PM and we were all trying to unfreeze them. At that point it was just the hot water that didn't work. It actually happened to us once already, and we fixed it so we didn't think it was a big deal until they burst. We called the plumber the next day and we had water by the time I woke up. It was just my little sister and I who were melting the snow, because we were the only ones who had to pee. We made a really big mess and my sister kept flushing the toilet before we actually had enough water, making us have to start all over again. It was a horrible experience and my older brother refused to help. But now, it's just a really funny story to tell.

By Foxy - 05/02/2009 14:06 - United States

Spicy

Today, I had just gotten over the flu and thought I was better. So me and my boyfriend decided to have sex. As I was about to orgasm, I puked all over his face. He was so disgusted that he ended up throwing up on me as well. FML

agreeclassic 70 367

vote type 1 26 889

By Wheresthebeefz - 01/02/2011 02:46 - United States

Today, I tried to save a dying bird I found on the sidewalk. I got a parking ticket for $114 in front of the animal hospital. I later found out the bird died. FML

agreeclassic 29 964

vote type 1 7 905

What were the chances?

By emilyparra1 - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Riverview

Today, I had a job interview for a job I've been dying to have. As I walked into the office, the manager said, "Aren't you my son's ex, the one he cheated on?" All I could do was sit there quietly as he laughed at me. FML

agreeclassic 33 909

vote type 1 2 573

By frapples1 - 21/12/2009 19:30 - United States

Today, I was at a family party and everyone was seeing my new glasses for the first time. My 48 year old uncle told me that I look like a hot librarian and then grabbed my ass. He was still sober. FML

agreeclassic 38 415

vote type 1 2 963

By yoggabe - 18/08/2012 20:34 - Mexico - Villahermosa

Today, I found out that my six year old cousin has a raging crush on my boyfriend. She lives across the street and watches from her window for his car to appear in front of my house. She's indicated that she'll stop at nothing until he's hers. FML

agreeclassic 28 559

vote type 1 2 355

You OK, dude?

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, during a review session for a botany class, I began to space out. Then, I started to go, "Beep, beep, beep, beep." I stopped when I noticed the entire class staring at me as if I were insane. This was not the first time this had happened. FML

agreeclassic 10 490

vote type 1 37 328

By Anonymous - 18/06/2012 14:39 - Canada - Markham

Today, I tripped and fell on the sidewalk. As I did, a car that was passing by stopped, made a U-turn, and then came back so the people inside could laugh at me. When they were done taunting me, they made another U-turn and continued back in their original direction. FML

agreeclassic 28 256

vote type 1 2 746

Charged

By Stickerless - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was pulled over for not having my car inspection up to date. I had my car inspected two weeks earlier. Since I'm at college my sticker was mailed to my home. My mother didn't want to pay the 42 cent postage, so now I have to pay $250 because my mother is cheap. FML

agreeclassic 64 525

vote type 1 4 486

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Keywords

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Today, I found out that the only two people I've had feelings for in years are both dating each other. FML

agreeclassic 37 075

vote type 1 4 089

Today, I was at work alone with a stomach bug. For some reason, our bathroom was out of toilet paper, so I had to quickly run to the nearest store to buy more, only to shit my pants midway there. I'm pretty sure the cashier knew exactly what had happened. FML

agreeclassic 43 212

vote type 1 4 214

Today, my spineless shitwhip of a boss made me go fire a notoriously abusive employee. I had to act like firing him was my decision, even though I'm the secretary. Now I get to live in constant fear that the guy was serious when he threatened to find out where I live and kill me. FML

agreeclassic 24 898

vote type 1 1 710

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex to music, which we hadn't done before. I was getting close when it cut to commercial. I was so turned off by the idea of coming during an ad break that I didn't come at all. Thanks Spotify. FML

agreeclassic 7 719

vote type 1 2 170

Noooooooo!

agreeclassic 462

vote type 1 177

Today, and pretty much every day, my co-worker takes off her shoes while working. The smell of her feet makes me dizzy. I don't know if she's oblivious to the fact that her feet stink, or she just doesn't care. It's affecting the quality of my work. FML

agreeclassic 29 104

vote type 1 2 980